Journal Fail, but Life A++

So I hate this journal thing. I fail at journaling. I can't do it. Nope. I hate my handwriting/doodling ablitites. So thats something I'm not good at. Which is closer than I was before to "finding myself". Progress, Progress my dance coach would say.

I think failing and passing is a part of life. You win some and you loose some. Its a part of life. Its a rising and a falling of the tides, but each time the tide rises and falls new sea shells and treasures are unhidden. The tides are controlled by the moon. A sort of higher energy.

My passes and fails are controlled by God, but shaped by my own free will. Life is about experiences, ultimately. Looking at life as it comes at you. Taking the good with the bad and learning to get on with life.

I just sort of had an "ah-ha" moment. I love those little thoughts when you realize its not about me. It was never about me. I love this. Seriously. I'm like pure mind bliss.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Half way there.

So June's over basically. Did I spend it how I wanted to? Did I spend it how God wanted me to? Summer's half way over and there's so much more I want to do. AH! My summer's moving by too quickly!

I'll be a senior this year.. GASP! Scary thought. I've got so many choices to make! I just want this to slow down!

A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes.

So I hate sleeping. I never thought I would! I slept to two today. Yeah.. Well during that time I had several different dreams. Dream 1, gave me feelings for Wren back. AH! I thought I was over that! Any way. It was different, because we were friends, best friends, but there was more too it. I don't know it was just very strange. Its like we were best friend, but I think we were dating. I don't know. Strange.

Second dream, Glee related. It was VERY strange. Any way. Good dream, but very weird.

Third dream, I was in the navy, but it was a very weird navy. Well I wasn't in the navy. I was a visitor to the Navy, or more like a Navy psychological consultant. I had to help these two girls and some guy. Well it was about making snowflakes or something. It was very strange, but at the end I was marrying the guy. It was all just very strange.

Any way. Just thought you all would like to know this for some odd reason. It was all very strange. They were all connected some how too.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Prompt 2

Since its 12:18 technically its day two of the journal challenge!

My favorite times of the day are:

Playing with my kitty Tonks

Watching my little sister Bayla.

Me Time

Food Time

and

Night time

Here's Janel's prompt

Journal Prompt Number 2: What is the BEST part of your day?
Is it working out?
Is it "quitting time" at work?
Is it dinner with the fam?
What is it?
You can write about it, draw it, sketch it, doodle it, anything you like!

I want to see YOUR journal entries!!

Peace out Girl Scout!

Who I am.

So just kidding. Lets start now. Here's the first prompt. Above is my first entry. In the smaller words it says:

The mysteries of me is what i set out to seek. Where it will lead me I'll never know. Who I am will constantly change, yet i'll always be me. No one can change that. You see. Tansy will always be my name for thats who i was set out to be. I don't know who I am now. I'm looking for her. I truly am. what I'll find will change my life. This sounds weird I know. I'm a very weird person, but just watch now. I'll grow. Tansy is a type of flower. I'm ready to see what I'll look like when I bloom

Journal Prompt Number 1: Create a full page design introducing yourself :)
Highlight your name many times in the midst of your design.
I chose to use a lot of line design because I love it so much lately.
I also chose to draw some of the things that I like as well in there!!
Have fun, be creative, don't stress, just jump right in!!

This prompt is from Janel from run with scissors. Click Journal Prompt Number one to find Janel's blog.

Peace out Girl Scout.

p.s. I want to see YOUR journal pages too!

30 day journal challenge!!

So I've been inspired by Taylor to start the 30 day Journal Challenge. I always wanted to journal. I started this blog as a journal originally, but the words wouldn't flow. So now I'm copying my blog into a journal, but any way. I'll start the challenge soon, I just need a Journal... choices choices(before I decided to spell that with out an h). I know what pen I'll be using. Its my new favorite. Its a Choice hotels pen... yeah make fun. I love it though! :) I challenge you all to do the challenge with me. Everyone else is way far ahead. Lets start Next Monday. Kay? I"m getting all these prompts from Janel. So all the things will be hers and i'll put a picture up of my journal post that goes along with the prompt.

So get you a journal and a hotel pen and lets get ready to journal!

Peace out Girl Scout.

Thank you college board for making me seem stupid.

So College board told me to make a list of my abilities, preferences, and personal qualities. Well what is that supposed to mean? I apologize for spelling. My head is killing me.

Abilities:

None

Prefrences:

Don't understand the question

Personal Qualities:

huh?

the end. you are welcome college board.

Peace out Girl Scout.

Going Dark; Update 1

So as for going dark. I have. Well not completely. Since I've made this blog I haven't been using my normal email. And have created multiple social network accounts just for that email and for blogging purposes. I gave my phone to my loving mother to keep safe and hidden at her work. Yup. No contact from friends. They'll probably hate me by the end of the summer. If they really want to see me they can come by work.

As for what I do durring the day I embrace family. Me and my little sister have been having bunches of fun together when I'm not working at RT's. I really want to start getting into art some more. I dabble in pretty much everything and can't make up my mind.

So one of the purposes of this blog is to find out what I'm good at. I want to be a creative spirit. As selfish as this seems I want this summer to be about me. I don't want to surround myself with going to parties, getting invited to long weekend trips. I want to relax and enjoy MY summer. Its no one else's.

Peace out Girl Scout

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Open up your eyes

I think it's time for a more serious post, something that I think will help me define myself instead of talking about stupid boys. Well I think I've already ruined it by giving it this introduction. Really. I've butchered it. Well I'll go ahead and start before I start digging my self deeper.

I could never be blind. Never, in a million years would I ever be able to say okay, I don't have to see anymore. All of the things, faces, art, nature I haven't seen yet. All of these experiences I don't think would be complete with out the gift sight. I don't know if I could handle not seeing color any more. Not being able to look up at the clouds and daydream forever.

I admire Hellen Keller. To the deepest ends. She overcame so much, but she still wasn't able to fully experience the world like I have. I wonder if she knew what she was missing, yet with eyes that see, come tears that hurt. The world isn't always a happy place. Though people might like to turn a blind eye to poverty and desperation. It's still there. No matter how hard we try to look away.

Would the world be a different place if we were all blind. There would be no judgement. No discrimination. Would that be a better world, or just a blind world? No art. Not knowing about the problems the rest of the world has? Would that be better?

Believing isn't seeing, but seeing is believing. Once you see something you'll never forget how it made you feel. Ever. A piece of art. A favorite blanket. A favorite color. God gave us sight for a reason, yet he chose not to give it to others for a different reason. He chose to let us see each for separate reasons. Only he knows the full reason. We only get to "see" bits and pieces of why.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Tansy and Cheese Soup.

I've just realized something. All along trying to find myself wasn't really trying to find myself. I was trying to find a label. I'm the type of girl who gets a long with everyone. I was looking for a label to call myself. I feel stupid and conceited. I don't know what finding myself means! Is this a blogging FAIL? So what does "finding myself" mean. Well its more about creating myself, but ugh! I'm so confuseded(yes that extra "ed" was intended) AH!

I feel so befuzzled! Does who I am concern my likes and dislikes? My hopes and dreams? I guess that could be a part of it. What are the ingredients to an ideal "me".

Sugar

Spice

Everything nice?

I'm a girl so that has to be in there.

Ugh. I'll keep you posted.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Sweet sweet Freedom

So after all that whining and crying, I realized. I don't like Wren. Nope. Not at all. Well maybe a little, but thats not the point. I realized I had built him up to so much more than he really was. Yeah, I realized that before, but before I didn't do anything about it. So after I figured out I just put all the "perfect qualities" into him. I did nothing. I kept on liking WREN. Not the made up person in my head.

Now I've figured out how I can avoid not liking Wren, and getting hurt by someone who I thought I knew, but really I know nothing about. Its going to be lame. Don't laugh at me. I'm going to insert those soul mate qualities into a celebrity. Lame. I know. Laugh all you want. This way I'm not obsessing over a guy I actually see during the day. So who is my handsome soul mate you might ask.

None other than Nick Jonas. Don't make fun. I actually really like Nick. I was going to pick Justin Beiber, but then I might kill myself hahaha. No, but Nick is really cute and fits all the physical requirements, so I can just insert my soul mate qualities and stop flipping heart over head for Wren. I feel somewhat loserish for doing this, but I think it might help me in the long run.

It will also help me find an actual guy. You may say "Why Tansy, how is that ever going to help you find a boyfriend? Aren't you basically making up your own boyfriend" Nope. I'm not. This way I won't be so blinded by Wren, and I can see when guys actually like me. I tend to do that. A lot. Turn guys away that I'm not crushing on.

Of course, this doesn't mean I'm fishing for a boyfriend. I'm just going to wait and sit and do nothing. Yup. I don't like anyone any more so I can be free to be single and mingle haha! I don't expect to find a boyfriend, he'll find me, and unlike most of the time I'll give it a chance. I feel so light hearted right now:) I like this feeling. Its like I'm turning over a new leaf.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Loserville: Population- Me.

So I am officially a loser. I did it, but then I took it back. No seriously. I am a loser. For this to make sense read this. I can't believe I canceled it. Yeah, thats right. I took initative, set up this "meeting" and freaked and canceled it. UGH! I hate myself sometimes. I chickened out because I was so terrified of Scenario Three! AH! I fail.

To make it even worse I lied to him! I told him that I couldn't make it because I had to baby sit my sister. LIES! I am a LIAR! AH! AH! AH! I hate myself. Really, why didn't I meet him. It would be the first time I saw him all summer! Now I'm just wishing he'll ask me to go to a concert that we've been talking about forever, but knowing me I'll say I can't go. UGH!

Why did I do it. I really don't know. I think its my fear of confrontation. Seriously, if I don't know you like if I haven't been to your house and met your parents know you, I will not talk to you in person alone. I've talked to Wren like that before, except we were waiting on friends and we were the first people there. Thats different though. This was my one opportunity, but wait! I still have the notes! I can still win this! Hazaah! Okay, I'm an optpessimist. Guilty. I overthink things way too much.

Peace out Girl Scout.

weheartit

Don't go with the Flow

ALERT ALERT! THIS POST ITS TOO MUCH INFORMATION! TMI ALERT! TMI! I suggest if you are A. a boy or B. easily grossed out or C. Both A and B. do NOT read this post. You have been warned.

Mother Nature. Sometimes I really hate you. You seem to give me my gift at the worst possible moments ever. You worry me so when you don't come for 4 months, but then you come the day of my dance recital. How rude of you. And you don't just bring a small gift. You bring a HUGE ONE, thank you for being the worst possible person ever. However I am thankful for you, but not at a POOL PARTY! Really, do you hate me that much because you are absent 5 months at a time and think I'll give you a warm return if my gift is REALLY BIG.

You ruin my life sometimes. You scare me with your irregularity(NO pregnancy scare people, like something is WRONG scare), but then expect to be welcomed back. No. I will not stand for it any longer. I will not sit in your gift for two hours because I'm afraid to stand up any longer! Please become regular. I'm begging you.

Peace out Girl Scout.

weheartit

3 is the Magic Number.

So I've done it. Yes shy little Tansy S. has done it!! I have made plans with Wren! Well not really. Well kinda. I'm giving him some notes on a class I took this past year and he's taking this year, but still we have plans to meet in a parking lot!! Yeah, sketchy right, but no it's not! Thats were everyone meets down here! So in my mind it can go three different ways.

Scenario 1: We meet at 2 in the parking lot, I give him the notes. We both leave. I would be fine with this situation because thats all that was planned. This is what I expect to happen.

Scenario 2: We meet at 2 in the parking lot, I give him the notes. We start talking, are cars would be facing each other and we would both be sitting on our hoods. We would talk for an hour. He would ask me to go grab something to eat with him. I would jump in his car, and we would ride of into the sunset with him on the way to McDonald's or something.(I'm hungry okay).

This is the least likely scenario considering its 2 in the afternoon, and we would have to be talking for like 5 hours. This would be my hope and dream. I would actually get to spend time with him, but it probably won't happen.

Scenario 3: I would arrive at the parking lot at 1:45. I would wait in my hot car, with Lady Ga Ga busting out the speakers. It would be 2. I would turn down the radio and stop dancing like a fool. I keep waiting. 2:18 I would send him a text and ask him if he died. 2:30. No reply. I decide to get brave and call him because we all know how I hate to talk on the phone. 2:31. Voicemail. I say to myself, he probably just got stuck in traffic.

2:32. I realize there isn't any traffic at 2 in the afternoon. 2:40. I send the tenth text message asking him where he is. 3:00. I admit defeat. I was stood up. In a parking lot. At 2 in the afternoon. With AP US History notes in the passenger side of my car. I am a loser. This is worst case scenario. I would then proceed to cry until 3:30. And boohoo all the way home. This scenario would happen after scenario 1, and way before scenario 2. I would have failed.

Stay tuned, remember this is going to be like a Stream of Posts(like Faulkner's stream of consciousness). Don't read "Don't Go with the Flow" if you don't want to be extremely disgusted.

Peace out Girl Scout.

weheartit

Today's Epic Blogging Adventure.

So I have a LOT to blog about today. So bare with me. I'm going to break it down into my stages of thought post by post. Also for those weak hearted or my guy readers(i don't think i have any) don't read the post called "Don't go with the Flow." So bare with me. I've been an emotional roller coaster all day. So chill. Relax and enjoy summer and my blog:)

Peace out Girl Scout.

weheartit

P.S. read in order.

I did it!

TMI ALERT (not for the faint of heart)

I hate myself.

Hopelessly in Love

So I've realized something today as I was watching the Bachelorette. I'm hopelessly in love with falling in love. No joke. That and I have no life because I was watching the Bachelorette, but thats a whole 'nother ball game. Any way. This is such an unhealthy relationship. You will not be receiving a rose hulu for recommending me this show. Really though. I think I'm so smitten with falling in love, I really love the idea. Which sounds really cheezy.

Its true though. I want to fall in love so badly that it hurts my relationships I think. I don't know, but I think its not a good thing for me to sit there and watch people "falling in love". Though I am so hopelessly addicted to it. Ah.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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She was lookin' kinda dumb with her finger and her thumb in a shape of an "L" on her forehead.

I'm officially a loser. I made such a big deal, gave myself a head ache, then its over with because the other person "doesn't want to talk about it anymore". And what did I do, Say okay. Yup. Because I was trying to get over it. Not deal with it, and after I realize nothing is better still. I still have no one to talk to because the person I did talk to hardly talked to me back. Sigh. I hate drama. It's summer for crying out loud. I didn't have this much drama during the school year. Stupid.

Sad thing is the person I told, Wren, didn't even give me the time of day. Well he sent two text messages. Neither really helping me. I'm afraid I might have said something too honest. Ah. The price I pay for honesty. Is it always that high. Is it even worth it. Now he won't talk to me unless I talk to him about one thing. Like always. sigh.. What is it that even makes me like him, if I can't talk to him. He's not worth it then, but why do I keep hoping to see his name pop up on my phone? Ah! I hate him, I hate liking him. Ugh. Why?!

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Road Blocked

Now is the time I wish I had someone there for me. Someone who could talk back to me, not a computer. I know I can talk to God, but I think he's telling me to tell someone. I don't know who though. I just feel like bursting into tears, but I can't. I don't have the comfort of my room, or my show just feel so burdened so out of place. My mind is going twenty different directions.

I don't want to do this, but I think my mental health might count on it. Its been my life, my passion. I can't give up. I can't but I don't see another option. And the person I just told probably doesn't care what I do. Probably could care less, probably won't even respond to my text. I feel beaten, I feel abused. I feel like I can't go on. I can't take another step.

pfh.

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Going Dark.

I'm done. I'm finnished. I'm through with people. I know its awful, but its true. I need to completely sever myself from the situation, so... I'm going dark. Yup. No electronics the rest of the summer. Only exceptions are this blog, my email(for my work schedules), and my ipod. Its the only way I be at peace. No facebook, no myspace, no twitter, no cell phone(except when I'm driving I'll take that for my parents, so change of plans)no TEXTing. I think my life be much more at ease with out the interruptions of other peoples lifes. I've already logged out of twitter myspace and facebook, and I have turned off my cellphone. I'm done. Through. I'm now devoting all my time to God.

Peace out Girl Scout.

Chocolate and Blogging, Good for the soul.

So as I poor my heart out into the internet and eat a bowl of chocolate ice cream, I realize that it helps my confusion and frustration disappear. It removes outside distractions and problems, and I can just... write. I can focus and actually solve my problems rather than just lying there thinking.

The million things rushing about my head slowly stop spinning and start to make sense instead of giving me a head ache, but today it was so bad that I literally had to mentally collect myself before I even started writing. Why can I open myself up to everyone in the world, but I can't open it up to the people in my life I care about?

Why am I more willing to trust strangers than my best friends? Have my relationships turned that bad that I can't trust anyone? At least my headache is clearing up. That shows that blogging (or maybe it was the chocolate ice cream) does help.

Yet when I go back to the world, the REAL world. It just pushes me to the point of tears. Tears freely falling at this point. Why is it so hard? Why does the world insist on pushing against me? This is what I'm supposed to be doing right? Right?! I just don't understand.

I need an escape. An escape from all this shit(I've alloted 5 cuss words for this blog, because I really don't like doing it, but sometimes I can't help it.) that's happening. I need a break from this lonliness thats consumed me for far too long.

...

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Breathe.

I shouldn't have to put up with this. I shouldn't have to force myself to be around my "friends". Why are they all jerks?! I would really like to know. Its like you joke about "hating" me, but are you really joking? The way you treat me is intolerable. I can't deal with this any more. It is just adding unnecessary stress to my already stressful life. You really need to chill out and realize the whole world doesn't worship at your feet. You are NOT God. He is the only one I will ever bow to. No matter how many times you make fun of that.

UGH! Sorry You does not refer to you reading this. I'm ranting, psychotically. So my best friends are jerks to me. Like I've known this forever, but it's finally really hit me. I've realized that they aren't my friends, no matter what they tell me. Its giving me an awful stress headache and I'm writing this with my eyes closed. I'm just too flustered to do anything! UAH! I'm trying to do a good thing, but they're road blocking me. Not letting me do what I need to do. This has gone way to far. Its done. I'm about to go all ninja on their butts. But maybe its time for me to let go, and let God. That's always the best option right?

God, Please give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

So I can't change the way they act, but I can change the way I react towards their actions.

I think this blog is more of my personal therapist more than anything else. Writing makes it easier to sort through the mess I call my brain.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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I might as well be the cowardly lion.

So today is one of those days where one post isn't enough. While looking for pictures for one of my posts i stumbled upon a Madonna quote. "To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt."

By Gosh. Madonna has done it again.

So I have as much courage as courage the cowardly dog .I'm not brave. Nope. Never have been. But I do love someone unconditionally. Not expecting anything in return, but I can't tell them that. I can't leave myself out in the open. Busting out of my shell now is not an option. No way no how. Maybe End of senior year I'll tell him. Okay so Next may you guys have to make sure I tell ...who shall I call him...Wren*.

You are here by demanded to force me to tell him. Tell him what though? That I think of you every night. I wish you were here with me. I think you are the coolest most awesome person in the whole wide world? Would it change anything? Would me telling him I love him make a difference? Do I love him? URG!

I guess the point is, I'm not telling him anything anytime soon. Or well I might. Because the longer I like him the sooner my big mouth opens and I tell the whole world. I don't tell people who I like. I've gotten stabbed in the back one too many times to open up to anyone, but the longer I hold it in. The louder it sounds when it finally comes out.

Peace out Girl Scout

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*name has been changed.

The phone, The phone is ringing!

DING DONG! You have 1 new text message. When ever my phone vibrates I rush too it like a cat to a mouse. Bad comparison, but it's late. Anyway. I love to text. Do you know why because there is more distance than actually...gasp...talking on the phone. I HATE talking on the phone. No seriously. I'm horrible at talking on the phone. I had to go ask to get an appointment to get my hair done today. I called and hung up like five times, but then I realized if I didn't call I would gulp have to go down there myself to make an appointment. So I ended up getting my mom to call.

Anyway. I also love to text because if you happen to be texting a certain someone you can lock their message and look at it for all eternity...mwahhahaha. No really. Those texts make or break me sometimes. Looking at them and trying to figure out the emotion behind the words. Yeah. I'm a dork, but really I sit there and think why did they say this. What does it mean. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they text. whether or not they txt like this. C U L8r b/c i'm biz-e. Yeah. I could barely write that. I HATE text talk.

But the real REAL reason I'm writing this because its been like a week and a half since i spoke to the said "crush". And I'm sitting looking at his facebook page thinking. I want to talk to him. Nay. NEED to talk to him, but I'm not. Because thats the type of person I am. ugh. boys. can't live with them, can't live with out them. But really. I really want to text him, but I'm afraid it will be bad! AH!

Peace out Girl Scout.

p.s. I will make a post all about the first person to tell me what the title of this post is about!

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You can take that mask off now. Halloween's over.

So I've realized I blog better at night. I sit at my computer during the day and say. I want to blog, nay I need to blog. And now I'm poppin' out two posts in a row. So back to the point. Masks. We all wear them. A certain mask for going to church, a mask for your parents, a mask for school, a mask for your friends, a mask for your best friends, a mask for you enemies. Yeah. THOSE kind of masks.

No matter what you say we all wear them. And once you start to peel back those masks you start to find the real you. Thats what I'm trying to do now. What I've been trying to do for years. Maybe I have more masks than most people. Or maybe they're super glued to my face. sigh.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Make it or Fake it.

First impressions. Yup. We all make 'em. But how do we really make a good first impression? First it starts out with your outfit. Yeah, how materialistic is that, but it's true. If you see someone wearing nothing but black clothes and spiked bracelets you're going to think wow they must be a goth. Its awful how today's society we make snap judgement about people because of the way someone looks, but thats why I'm writing this. WHAT SHOULD I WEAR! What you wear defines you. Defines who you are. But I don't know who I am.

I look in my closet and see clothes everywhere. I wonder. Who do I want to be today. I could be a million different people. Am I indie? Am I rock? Am I prep? Am I goth? Am I athletic? Am I nerdy? WHO AM I? Who do I want people to see me as? Who do I want to present myself to the world as? I really wish I would find out because I am having several fashion melt downs.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Look before you Leap

Up late again blogging... sigh. So I would like to thank V from Starts and Chilies for awarding me her blog of the week. I feel so honored after only blogging for like two days. Check her out she's got some awesome recipies I'm dying to try and the way she talks about God is incredible. But anywho. The real reason I'm righting is because I think I'm going outside my comfort zone. So to understand what I'm about to say you need to read my last post. So read it? Good. So now even though I do the same thing over and over again I think I like this guy. And I have talked to him one on one like once. like we've talked more than that, but its been about classes and stuff. I don't know. ugh. I just don't want to leap before i look and make sure someone's there to catch me.

Most of all I want to be able to leap and me catch myself. I'm not much of a... go for it person. Do you know what I'm saying? I can't just...gasp...talk to him. Its just. I think I'm too self conscious. Ha. Maybe I'm worried he'll judge me. So I get these crushes who I like for YEARS and I never talk to them. And I've talked to this guy. A lot. And I thought he liked me, but now he won't answer his phone. Facebook chat. or anything and Its not like I send him a message every five seconds. Some days I make myself promise not to talk to him. Not to say anything to him. He's been there for me. He seems honestly concerned for me. Would we make better friends. Ugh. I feel like this is a diary. Well it kinda is. I originally started a diary for this, but I couldn't make the words flow. So this is kinda my diary, and I'm letting random strangers look into it. Ah. I kinda went off subject there for a minute. Oh. Well. I think I'm finnished. If you have an advise for me don't feel shy to "share the love" so to speak

Peace out Girl Scout.

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