Release.

Hey. So you're probably like, "Who are you again?" It's me, Tansy. Or at least I think it is. Shit's happened. I became something I never thought I would be. I did something that I regret, and that doesn't happen often. 

I thought I could hang around the wrong crowd and not get sucked in, I thought I was strong enough that I could resist temptation. I was wrong. I didn't do anything illegal. I didn't do anything too terribly bad. I went against my morals. 

So I've been hanging around this group of guys who, don't always make the best decisions. I was sucked in by charm. Long story short. They convinced me to sneak out at 2 am. I got caught. 

Was I mad that I was grounded for 2 weeks? No. I was mad that after all my protesting, Wren said, "Do I have to make the decision for you?" I said yes, and he said, "We're coming to get you." 

I'm still pissed that I did it. I'm pissed that I've turned into this person who cusses and my excuse for hanging out with them was "Maybe if I hang out with them, I might be a good influence. God wants me to do this." 

They know I don't like drugs and alcohol, so they didn't do that when I was with them, (well once, but I didn't know they were high at the time). I thought I was changing them, but they were changing me. I was trying so hard to impress them, that I changed. 

Now. I'm just through. I've spent the last month alone. I never go out of my house. No one invites me to things. Just alone, and that sucks, and it makes me want to cry. I don't tell anyone anything. I'm pissed and hurt and scared and alone and no one cares.

No one asks how I am. I act okay at school. I laugh. I smile. I fake. My grades are dropping. I'm sinking into this place that's awful. And it just feels so good to write this. To get everything out of my system.


xo.
i missed you.
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Don't Call Me Humpty Dumpty Quite Yet

I'm lost. I'm scared. And I'm back in a bubble. I don't know what it is. I don't know what I'm feeling. I just plain out don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I don't know what is right anymore. I just feel fucked up.



Letting go. I've tried it. I've tried letting go of this, but I haven't tried letting go and letting God. This whole quarter has just been filled with stupid. Stupid crushes, stupid feelings, stupid actions, and honestly there is no one to blame but myself.



My life is twisted in knots and it's come to the point where I'm trying to undo it by pulling as hard as I can to get it undone, but all that happens is that I make it tighter. I realized tonight that I can't do it by myself. I can't really do it at all. 

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I will cry at most anything depressing. I'm a passionate person, what can I say. In reality, I'm terrified of tears, because tears to me mean heartbreak and emotional pain. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared of admitting I'm broken. 

I denied it for a long time, but I'm in pieces. And I can't move on. I can't move from this place of frustration, heart ache, stress, just being miserable. I haven't been taking care of myself, I haven't been exercising, I've barely gotten up from my lap top in two weeks. I'm just not healthy inside or out. 

I've just been holding all of this in. I literally can't talk to anyone about this. I have no one to confide in. I'm sitting here realizing, that I care so much about the world and the people in it, that I never care about myself.

"I have been dealing with versions of you my whole life and I'm going to tell you something that I should have told myself a long time ago. Sometimes it's about me, OK? Not all the time but every once in a while it's my time." -Anne Hathaway; Bride Wars

I have a passion for people, and sometimes I forget it's okay to care about myself. I need time to heal. Time to let God undo the mess I've made. Right now, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just confused, and at a point where there is no other choice but to give everything up to Him. That's what I should have done all along.

Peace out Girl Scout

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Sometimes, I wish I could be lazy.

So ever scince I was little, I've always been doing something. Something all the time, soccer, t-ball, dance, science club, church, piano lessons, or art class. I've always been working always been going always busy, and it keeps going now. I've got so much too do, so many commitments. I just wish somethings could be easier.

Why is stress the thing overwhelming my life! I'm the kind of person that doesn't do things half-heartedly, so if I have a 208923472389427394283942738 million things to do. I'll do them to the best of my abilities.

Like my relationship with Wren. I'm pretty sure he likes me again, but can't it just be easy as him asking me to do something. No. It can't, and honestly, I think relationships should take some work, but I'm tired of working, and I'm not going into this half heartedly.

I'm about to crash I've been working so much... and honestly I don't think I want a relationship now, because a relationship will take work, and its not like it would last. And I don't want heartbreak to slide into the picture.

This has just been rambling. I'm sorry, but I just need to vent.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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Slipping Back to Reality.

It was nice to visit blog. I'll miss you when I'm gone again. School starts in 10 hours, and I'm dreading it. Tonight can't be another sleepless night sorting out my thoughts. 

Its time to go back to tests, school, and teachers, and pressure to make all A's. It's time to go back to drama, and crap, and honestly I'm not ready. This break has done wonders for my mental health, granted it has driven me a little insane, but what's life with out a little insanity?

It's time to go back to crappy food at 12 each day, time to go back to calculus and other crap... I just wish it would be time to go back to love, because honestly. I'd go back for love, but now I'm convinced there's no such thing. 

I have to go back though.. and it sucks.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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Going Dark; Update 2

So its been really hard lately with no communication from the outside world. I've just been lazy. Today after work I was driving and saw my best friends together. It was very hard to see them having fun with out me. I don't like being left out.

I don't like not being in the loop, but I think its what's best for me right now. Its not that I don't want to hang out with my friends. I do. It hurts being left out. I guess its my fault, but it still hurts. Its like I'm on the outside looking in. Actually its more I'm inside looking out.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Thank you college board for making me seem stupid.

So College board told me to make a list of my abilities, preferences, and personal qualities. Well what is that supposed to mean? I apologize for spelling. My head is killing me.

Abilities:

None

Prefrences:

Don't understand the question

Personal Qualities:

huh?

the end. you are welcome college board.

Peace out Girl Scout.

Loserville: Population- Me.

So I am officially a loser. I did it, but then I took it back. No seriously. I am a loser. For this to make sense read this. I can't believe I canceled it. Yeah, thats right. I took initative, set up this "meeting" and freaked and canceled it. UGH! I hate myself sometimes. I chickened out because I was so terrified of Scenario Three! AH! I fail.

To make it even worse I lied to him! I told him that I couldn't make it because I had to baby sit my sister. LIES! I am a LIAR! AH! AH! AH! I hate myself. Really, why didn't I meet him. It would be the first time I saw him all summer! Now I'm just wishing he'll ask me to go to a concert that we've been talking about forever, but knowing me I'll say I can't go. UGH!

Why did I do it. I really don't know. I think its my fear of confrontation. Seriously, if I don't know you like if I haven't been to your house and met your parents know you, I will not talk to you in person alone. I've talked to Wren like that before, except we were waiting on friends and we were the first people there. Thats different though. This was my one opportunity, but wait! I still have the notes! I can still win this! Hazaah! Okay, I'm an optpessimist. Guilty. I overthink things way too much.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Road Blocked

Now is the time I wish I had someone there for me. Someone who could talk back to me, not a computer. I know I can talk to God, but I think he's telling me to tell someone. I don't know who though. I just feel like bursting into tears, but I can't. I don't have the comfort of my room, or my show just feel so burdened so out of place. My mind is going twenty different directions.

I don't want to do this, but I think my mental health might count on it. Its been my life, my passion. I can't give up. I can't but I don't see another option. And the person I just told probably doesn't care what I do. Probably could care less, probably won't even respond to my text. I feel beaten, I feel abused. I feel like I can't go on. I can't take another step.

pfh.

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