Diving Headfirst into Heartbreak

Headfirst. I'm falling headfirst and this time, there's no stopping it. My mind is 90% focused on him, and honestly it shouldn't be. I suck at this. I really do.

 Does he like me? Is this flirting? How do we not get bored after talking for an hour? What does that mean though? My relationship experience is VERY limited. I know, its sad. 

So the other day he said, "Please don't kill yourself next year." Chill guys, I'm not going to kill myself. He just was telling me not to overload myself (which I tend to do very often). 

I'm just confused. I just want to know I can leap and you'll be there to catch me, but I'm not very good at leaping. I might need a push.


Peace out Girl Scout
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Mr. Opportunity knocked, and I slammed the door in his face.

So its been a while since I've actually wrote anything, and I'm sorry. Its just college applications and school have completely bogged me down, but none the less, I feel the need to blog.

You know Wren, well, I thought I was over him, and I hoped and prayed I would be, but I'm not. No matter what I do, and do you know what sucks. I'm pretty sure he liked me. Back way back before he thought I wasn't crazy. 

I was looking at the emails we sent, and I realized, he DID like me, and I was too stupid to do anything about it. I just let it be.

UGH! Do you know how frustrated that makes me like Frustrated to the 10th power. I had a chance, and I sat there in my own little world and watched it pass me right on by. What am I going to do about it? Nothing, because thats what I do best.

AH, I was trying to fix it though, I really was and still am, but its not happening. Ah, and no one probably even cares. Lovely.


Peace out Girl Scout.
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Brief is Life, but Love is Long.

So, as I was cleaning my room today I discovered a small journal I used to keep from seventh to eighth grade. Well this journal was full of stupid stuff about a crush I had on this ONE guy for that long. I was a stalker. It was scary.

Anyway, this guy was all I used to think about, and as I read this stupid girls version of what she felt for this guy, I realized, 1. I was a creep and 2. I had better things in my life to worry about than guys. As I came to the last page in this journal I read a entry that I had written my Freshman year, It seems forever ago, I don't even remember writing it. This is what it said.

"So yeah its almost been a year since I wrote in this stupid thing..... I've learned somethings since seventh grade (mostly from God). I shouldn't seek love. I should stumble upon it."

I then go on to talk about a previous boyfriend and say "I didn't go into this relationship head over heels, but I didn't come out of it heart over head. The whole thing was a big awkward mess, but those little, but few sweet things that we shared stuck. It was awkward, so I tried to get out of it. I started a fight out of nothing and broke it off, and put it out of sight, out of mind."

Wow, I was a deep person then.

I then go on to finish the entry by saying.

"I really haven't stopped thinking 'did i do the right thing?".......  "Do I let it go knowing I might have missed out on something great?"

There was a big transition from that seventh grade girl obsessing over some guy she thought she knew, to this older, more self aware girl who knows that everything in life isn't about having a boy friend.

I look back at that journal, and my previous blog posts and realize, that seventh grade girl was there during the summer, and that mature ninth grade girl has made her way back into the picture. I understand now that God knows what is best for me, even when I think something else is better. I know now that God's love is all I need.

Just think, the creator of this glorious universe loves ME. Me of all people who sin and could care less about God during the week, but on Sunday act like He is the only one for me. And He is. He's the only one I could ever need, and I forget that sometimes. Not anymore, never again will I forget that.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Hopelessly in Love

So I've realized something today as I was watching the Bachelorette. I'm hopelessly in love with falling in love. No joke. That and I have no life because I was watching the Bachelorette, but thats a whole 'nother ball game. Any way. This is such an unhealthy relationship. You will not be receiving a rose hulu for recommending me this show. Really though. I think I'm so smitten with falling in love, I really love the idea. Which sounds really cheezy.

Its true though. I want to fall in love so badly that it hurts my relationships I think. I don't know, but I think its not a good thing for me to sit there and watch people "falling in love". Though I am so hopelessly addicted to it. Ah.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Chocolate and Blogging, Good for the soul.

So as I poor my heart out into the internet and eat a bowl of chocolate ice cream, I realize that it helps my confusion and frustration disappear. It removes outside distractions and problems, and I can just... write. I can focus and actually solve my problems rather than just lying there thinking.

The million things rushing about my head slowly stop spinning and start to make sense instead of giving me a head ache, but today it was so bad that I literally had to mentally collect myself before I even started writing. Why can I open myself up to everyone in the world, but I can't open it up to the people in my life I care about?

Why am I more willing to trust strangers than my best friends? Have my relationships turned that bad that I can't trust anyone? At least my headache is clearing up. That shows that blogging (or maybe it was the chocolate ice cream) does help.

Yet when I go back to the world, the REAL world. It just pushes me to the point of tears. Tears freely falling at this point. Why is it so hard? Why does the world insist on pushing against me? This is what I'm supposed to be doing right? Right?! I just don't understand.

I need an escape. An escape from all this shit(I've alloted 5 cuss words for this blog, because I really don't like doing it, but sometimes I can't help it.) that's happening. I need a break from this lonliness thats consumed me for far too long.

...

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Bad Romance.

So you know that one person. You know who I'm talking about. It maybe your best friend or the person you have never even talked to. Yeah. That one. The one you swear you are going to make them fall deep and madly in love with you, but it never gets farther than that. Or it might.

You like them for like since October and its the middle of June and you haven't gotten anywhere closer than you were before. I know what you mean. Its like you sit there waiting for him to call you and say hey i like you lets go do something awesome, but you know deep deep down that its not going to happen.

Why can't it be as easy as hey I like you. Okay I like you too. No. It has to get complicated. You have to talk and then you have to hang out and then you have to have the "are we boyfriend girlfriend" talk. Why can't it be as simple as that. UGH! You lay in bed and night thinking about it and you know its never going to be, but you keep hoping that it will be something more. You'll be more than a friend to them.

However on the other hand you get super MAD mainly at yourself for not doing anything about it. Maybe I'm to young for this. Maybe high school shouldn't be about having relationships, but you see how almost everyone's pared up. And What about prom? I mean, you should go with someone you care about. I look like a loser when I go by myself. Oh well. I'll just keep hoping, but hoping never got anyone anywhere.

Doesn't building a relationship take some form of communication? And to communicate you actually have to have something to talk about, and what if that person gets tired talking about the same thing. How do you move one from talking about just that one subject?

Why does it have to be so HARD? I liked it better in Kindergarten where you could just chase each other around the playground. Times where simpler then. Oh well for the time being I'm going to make a plan of attack persay.

Peace out Girl Scout.