It was really nice to meet you, goodbye.

I don't like leaving. I don't like it. Not one bit. I hate that my friends are going to be scattered across the south, I hate that I never had with him what I wish I did. I hate becoming super close to someone this year, then leaving now. I hate graduation, I hate finding out other people are leaving. I can't stand hearing, "this is the last." 

I know I'm in denial. I scream and close my ears when anyone says something about leaving or graduation or college. I can't help it. I've known this place for all my life, I've known these people forever. How can I let them go?

I know that it's pretty ridiculous of me to say, that I have to let them go, because they're going whether I like it or not. I just hope they know how thankful I am to have them in my life. How grateful I truly am to have known them and to laugh, and cry, and sing, and dance, and explore, and create, and experience, with them. 

Maybe our stories don't end here, but it sure feels like it. I hope it doesn't, but if it has to I hope that every moment we spent all together will not be forgotten. I know it will be, and that's okay, what I really want all of us to remember is how much fun we had, and how we were each other's strong holds; that we were there for each other. 

This is my last blog post. It seems appropriate. I'm leaving high school behind, I want to leave the girl who all she cared about was whether she needed a boyfriend or not behind. I'll still pop in, look at my posts, reflect about who I was and who I was becoming. 

I guess you could say I found myself. It wasn't what I expected. I didn't find out what I wanted to be in life, I didn't find my social circle, but I found my potential. I learned I have something inside of me that's great. I learned that life isn't just what I see from my viewfinder. It's that I have to take away that blue plastic toy and learn that there is a whole world out there ready for me to experience.

I want to thank everyone who reads this. Who has supported me with kind words, who's put up with my mindless rants. I truly appreciate you. You've made an impact on my life, and I hope I've impacted yours too. 


Much much love,
Tansy.

I'd be happier if you didn't care.

Dear You;


Why do you fool me so? I'm pretty sure I was head over heals for you since last year. You lead me on, or maybe you didn't. Maybe you truly did like me, but you didn't do anything about it.

Maybe that's what hurts the most. Knowing that you cared for me, but you didn't care enough. Like I wasn't worth it. I'll have to tell you sometime how you made me feel, or I'll regret it forever. I have to, but I can't do it now. Not now.

Maybe you didn't like me. Maybe you just thought of me as a friend. I don't know what that looks like. I've never been so infatuated with one of my close guy friends. You make my head explode.

In the halls, I constantly search for a glimpse of you, because it makes my day 10 times better just seeing your face; I never say anything to you though. If I do, you talked to me first, and that doesn't happen often. 

I try to look busy like I don't care, so if you don't care. I won't be the only one caring. It's a self-defense mechanism. I sat at my locker today, looking for you, and when I saw you all the way at the end of the hall, I smiled and quickly turned away.

You didn't see me, and you didn't smile; or at least I didn't see. I know one thing though for sure. You don't hate me. You don't grow annoyed with me or frustrated, and maybe that's why I keep hanging on. You always respond to my texts, and never yell at me or act disinterested. 

Maybe if you didn't care, or hated me. Then my mind wouldn't be such a messed up place.


Love
Me. 

letting go for good.

I don't like him anymore, and I don't care. Okay, so maybe I like him like just an itsy bit, but I'm not going to be following him around like a hopeless puppy anymore. I'm relieved to say the least.

I mean, sure, it's disappointing to know that nothing happened between us, but at least I'm not going to feel my heart break come May. I let go. I let God, and now I could care less if he text me or not. 

Was this what I wanted? No, honestly, and maybe it's for the best. 


Peace Out Girl Scout.

Just Get Over it Already Tansy

So Winter Formal is coming up. You don't have a date. I don't have a date, and it's extremely awkward when one of your friends tells me to ask you... EXTREMELY. I get frozen, and I don't know what to say... It's BAD.

Its also BAD, when ever your name comes up in conversations with my best friend she immediately says "your prom date?" 

Are we that perfect for each other, but we don't see it? I hope not. Because honestly. I really just want to get over you.


Peace out Girl Scout.
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Slipping Back to Reality.

It was nice to visit blog. I'll miss you when I'm gone again. School starts in 10 hours, and I'm dreading it. Tonight can't be another sleepless night sorting out my thoughts. 

Its time to go back to tests, school, and teachers, and pressure to make all A's. It's time to go back to drama, and crap, and honestly I'm not ready. This break has done wonders for my mental health, granted it has driven me a little insane, but what's life with out a little insanity?

It's time to go back to crappy food at 12 each day, time to go back to calculus and other crap... I just wish it would be time to go back to love, because honestly. I'd go back for love, but now I'm convinced there's no such thing. 

I have to go back though.. and it sucks.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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Leftovers.

So a while back I became acquainted with a pleasant young fellow. To be frank I was quite smitten with him. We talked and conversed quite regularly. It wasn't until like a month ago, he liked me to, but I ruined it. 

For about a month I've just been head over heels for him, and it just wasn't working, until tonight I didn't realize that what happened happened, and its not going to happen again.

Though it would be nice to have a relationship, I don't have the time. With college apps taking up most of my time, SAT study time, ACT study time, and normal AP study time. I'm bogged down. 

I've learned I need to live for the moment. Live for today, and have no regrets. I enjoyed the time I spent with him, but it ended. I regret nothing. 

Living on the edge doesn't mean taking risks, it means living knowing that tomorrow might not come, and being okay with that. I've learned that I don't need some guy to be happy. I need to just LIVE. 

Besides, come May, we'd have to break it off any way, and I don't want to have to go through that. Meanwhile there are other relationships that I'd like to work on. Like the one with the all mighty God. I've been so busy I've left Him at the wayside and I'm giving Him my left over time. He deserves ALL my time, not just the left overs.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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Mr. Opportunity knocked, and I slammed the door in his face.

So its been a while since I've actually wrote anything, and I'm sorry. Its just college applications and school have completely bogged me down, but none the less, I feel the need to blog.

You know Wren, well, I thought I was over him, and I hoped and prayed I would be, but I'm not. No matter what I do, and do you know what sucks. I'm pretty sure he liked me. Back way back before he thought I wasn't crazy. 

I was looking at the emails we sent, and I realized, he DID like me, and I was too stupid to do anything about it. I just let it be.

UGH! Do you know how frustrated that makes me like Frustrated to the 10th power. I had a chance, and I sat there in my own little world and watched it pass me right on by. What am I going to do about it? Nothing, because thats what I do best.

AH, I was trying to fix it though, I really was and still am, but its not happening. Ah, and no one probably even cares. Lovely.


Peace out Girl Scout.
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Sometimes Nothing is Really Something.

So this post is a sort of continuation of my last post. After all of that I look back on my "crush"(that seems like so seventh grade, but still) on Wren. I used to think that I made it all up in my head, and that he didn't care for me. Yet as I think about all our conversations, we had something. We had something that made me happy.

I don't know if it was just a friendship, or something more, but whatever it was, its gone now. And somehow, I'm okay with it. I've realized that if God wants something between us, He'll put it there.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Brief is Life, but Love is Long.

So, as I was cleaning my room today I discovered a small journal I used to keep from seventh to eighth grade. Well this journal was full of stupid stuff about a crush I had on this ONE guy for that long. I was a stalker. It was scary.

Anyway, this guy was all I used to think about, and as I read this stupid girls version of what she felt for this guy, I realized, 1. I was a creep and 2. I had better things in my life to worry about than guys. As I came to the last page in this journal I read a entry that I had written my Freshman year, It seems forever ago, I don't even remember writing it. This is what it said.

"So yeah its almost been a year since I wrote in this stupid thing..... I've learned somethings since seventh grade (mostly from God). I shouldn't seek love. I should stumble upon it."

I then go on to talk about a previous boyfriend and say "I didn't go into this relationship head over heels, but I didn't come out of it heart over head. The whole thing was a big awkward mess, but those little, but few sweet things that we shared stuck. It was awkward, so I tried to get out of it. I started a fight out of nothing and broke it off, and put it out of sight, out of mind."

Wow, I was a deep person then.

I then go on to finish the entry by saying.

"I really haven't stopped thinking 'did i do the right thing?".......  "Do I let it go knowing I might have missed out on something great?"

There was a big transition from that seventh grade girl obsessing over some guy she thought she knew, to this older, more self aware girl who knows that everything in life isn't about having a boy friend.

I look back at that journal, and my previous blog posts and realize, that seventh grade girl was there during the summer, and that mature ninth grade girl has made her way back into the picture. I understand now that God knows what is best for me, even when I think something else is better. I know now that God's love is all I need.

Just think, the creator of this glorious universe loves ME. Me of all people who sin and could care less about God during the week, but on Sunday act like He is the only one for me. And He is. He's the only one I could ever need, and I forget that sometimes. Not anymore, never again will I forget that.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Will you be my best friend?

The more I think about it I realize I'm not looking for love. I'm looking for a best friend. A best friend who will always be there for me. A best friend that will love me for who I am. A best friend that is good looking, but a best friend who I can always count on.

I love my best friends. I let them know that. This is a special love. A special connection. Thats really what love is. You never can give it away too much, but you can keep it to yourself which might not be a good thing. I want a best friend. I best friend that will kiss me in the pouring rain. A best friend that will take me places and show me off.

I want to end up marrying my best friend. I want every thing we do together to be fun, to be a memory. This makes me realize that to marry my best friend I have to let people into my life. I'm a very introverted person. I need to open up to more people. I tend to turn people away. If I keep doing that I'll live to be an old maid with 30 cats.

I want someone to sweep me off my feet, but I want to know this person too. I don't want some random prince charming. I want someone I know. Someone I already care for. Someone who has been through it all with me. Someone who knows myself better than I do. That will be my best friend. Thats the person who I'll fall deeply and madly in love with.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes.

So I hate sleeping. I never thought I would! I slept to two today. Yeah.. Well during that time I had several different dreams. Dream 1, gave me feelings for Wren back. AH! I thought I was over that! Any way. It was different, because we were friends, best friends, but there was more too it. I don't know it was just very strange. Its like we were best friend, but I think we were dating. I don't know. Strange.

Second dream, Glee related. It was VERY strange. Any way. Good dream, but very weird.

Third dream, I was in the navy, but it was a very weird navy. Well I wasn't in the navy. I was a visitor to the Navy, or more like a Navy psychological consultant. I had to help these two girls and some guy. Well it was about making snowflakes or something. It was very strange, but at the end I was marrying the guy. It was all just very strange.

Any way. Just thought you all would like to know this for some odd reason. It was all very strange. They were all connected some how too.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Sweet sweet Freedom

So after all that whining and crying, I realized. I don't like Wren. Nope. Not at all. Well maybe a little, but thats not the point. I realized I had built him up to so much more than he really was. Yeah, I realized that before, but before I didn't do anything about it. So after I figured out I just put all the "perfect qualities" into him. I did nothing. I kept on liking WREN. Not the made up person in my head.

Now I've figured out how I can avoid not liking Wren, and getting hurt by someone who I thought I knew, but really I know nothing about. Its going to be lame. Don't laugh at me. I'm going to insert those soul mate qualities into a celebrity. Lame. I know. Laugh all you want. This way I'm not obsessing over a guy I actually see during the day. So who is my handsome soul mate you might ask.

None other than Nick Jonas. Don't make fun. I actually really like Nick. I was going to pick Justin Beiber, but then I might kill myself hahaha. No, but Nick is really cute and fits all the physical requirements, so I can just insert my soul mate qualities and stop flipping heart over head for Wren. I feel somewhat loserish for doing this, but I think it might help me in the long run.

It will also help me find an actual guy. You may say "Why Tansy, how is that ever going to help you find a boyfriend? Aren't you basically making up your own boyfriend" Nope. I'm not. This way I won't be so blinded by Wren, and I can see when guys actually like me. I tend to do that. A lot. Turn guys away that I'm not crushing on.

Of course, this doesn't mean I'm fishing for a boyfriend. I'm just going to wait and sit and do nothing. Yup. I don't like anyone any more so I can be free to be single and mingle haha! I don't expect to find a boyfriend, he'll find me, and unlike most of the time I'll give it a chance. I feel so light hearted right now:) I like this feeling. Its like I'm turning over a new leaf.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Hopelessly in Love

So I've realized something today as I was watching the Bachelorette. I'm hopelessly in love with falling in love. No joke. That and I have no life because I was watching the Bachelorette, but thats a whole 'nother ball game. Any way. This is such an unhealthy relationship. You will not be receiving a rose hulu for recommending me this show. Really though. I think I'm so smitten with falling in love, I really love the idea. Which sounds really cheezy.

Its true though. I want to fall in love so badly that it hurts my relationships I think. I don't know, but I think its not a good thing for me to sit there and watch people "falling in love". Though I am so hopelessly addicted to it. Ah.

Peace out Girl Scout.

weheartit

I might as well be the cowardly lion.

So today is one of those days where one post isn't enough. While looking for pictures for one of my posts i stumbled upon a Madonna quote. "To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt."

By Gosh. Madonna has done it again.

So I have as much courage as courage the cowardly dog .I'm not brave. Nope. Never have been. But I do love someone unconditionally. Not expecting anything in return, but I can't tell them that. I can't leave myself out in the open. Busting out of my shell now is not an option. No way no how. Maybe End of senior year I'll tell him. Okay so Next may you guys have to make sure I tell ...who shall I call him...Wren*.

You are here by demanded to force me to tell him. Tell him what though? That I think of you every night. I wish you were here with me. I think you are the coolest most awesome person in the whole wide world? Would it change anything? Would me telling him I love him make a difference? Do I love him? URG!

I guess the point is, I'm not telling him anything anytime soon. Or well I might. Because the longer I like him the sooner my big mouth opens and I tell the whole world. I don't tell people who I like. I've gotten stabbed in the back one too many times to open up to anyone, but the longer I hold it in. The louder it sounds when it finally comes out.

Peace out Girl Scout

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*name has been changed.