It was really nice to meet you, goodbye.

I don't like leaving. I don't like it. Not one bit. I hate that my friends are going to be scattered across the south, I hate that I never had with him what I wish I did. I hate becoming super close to someone this year, then leaving now. I hate graduation, I hate finding out other people are leaving. I can't stand hearing, "this is the last." 

I know I'm in denial. I scream and close my ears when anyone says something about leaving or graduation or college. I can't help it. I've known this place for all my life, I've known these people forever. How can I let them go?

I know that it's pretty ridiculous of me to say, that I have to let them go, because they're going whether I like it or not. I just hope they know how thankful I am to have them in my life. How grateful I truly am to have known them and to laugh, and cry, and sing, and dance, and explore, and create, and experience, with them. 

Maybe our stories don't end here, but it sure feels like it. I hope it doesn't, but if it has to I hope that every moment we spent all together will not be forgotten. I know it will be, and that's okay, what I really want all of us to remember is how much fun we had, and how we were each other's strong holds; that we were there for each other. 

This is my last blog post. It seems appropriate. I'm leaving high school behind, I want to leave the girl who all she cared about was whether she needed a boyfriend or not behind. I'll still pop in, look at my posts, reflect about who I was and who I was becoming. 

I guess you could say I found myself. It wasn't what I expected. I didn't find out what I wanted to be in life, I didn't find my social circle, but I found my potential. I learned I have something inside of me that's great. I learned that life isn't just what I see from my viewfinder. It's that I have to take away that blue plastic toy and learn that there is a whole world out there ready for me to experience.

I want to thank everyone who reads this. Who has supported me with kind words, who's put up with my mindless rants. I truly appreciate you. You've made an impact on my life, and I hope I've impacted yours too. 


Much much love,
Tansy.

New Year; New Me?

Every year at new years, you hear of people reinventing themselves. Changing who they are for what ever reason. In reality, we never really change who we are. We're always the same person. Scientifically of course. Philosophically? We can become who ever we want to be.

But are these new years resolutions to change how we see ourselves, or how the world sees us? Personally, I think it's much of the latter. I found a new years resolution list from 6th grade. Do you know what one of my resolutions was? Be Popular. Wow. How stereotypical. A middle school girl wishing to be popular.

My resolution for this year? Be myself. Don't conform, don't become something I'm not. Don't act. Don't lie. Be who I am everyday. It's not just that, it's showing myself to the world, and being proud of the wonderful person I have become.

Yeah, so what? I think I'm wonderful. I think everyone should think that they're wonderful. I think that true self gratification comes from accepting yourself as you are, not allowing the world to mold you into something you're not proud of.

I've been told I'm well liked. Apparently, everyone loves me. Why? I don't know. I don't try to please them, I try to please most of all God that's the only one who matters, and second I try to please myself. If I can't live my life with out regrets, then it's not a life worth living.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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Less is More

"Fear less, hope more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more, and good things will be yours" -Swedish Proverb.

So, I came across this, and my heart smiled, because it really applies to my life right now. 

"Fear less, hope more." Lately I've been in a ball of fear. I can't move. Its like I'm afraid, everything I do is wrong, and I'm paralyzed. I'm paralyzed with fear before I act on anything. Maybe, I just need to let hope fill my life, and let my actions be from my heart, not paralyzed by my brain.

"Whine less, breathe more." I complain. A lot. Quotes from me about every other day. "I'm cold." "There are too many stairs" "I don't want to go" "My computer won't work." "I don't want to take a test." It's pathetic because there are kids out there and people who have it far worse than me. I just need to breathe through what I think is bad.

"Talk less, say more." If you ask anyone of my friends, they would tell you I talk 100% of the time and you can only understand me less than 50%. Maybe, I just need to listen for once, and think about what I say before I say it..

"Hate less, love more." I know you may not think this but I'm a hateful person. I make on the spot judgments about people that I don't even know. Its like I look at a person and immediately find the worse thing I can about them. Maybe instead of finding the bad. I'll find the good.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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Friends for now.

So when ever I'm in a sucky mood, I read over my old blog posts, and I just feel so stupid and pathetic right now, but then I came across this post. Wow, I am that seventh grade girl again, and I need to get over that. ASAP.

Then "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars came on my iPod, then "Leave" by Jo Jo, and finally "Change" by Taylor Swift. Its like my iPod made me feel ten times better about my situation.

I realize now that, 1. I should enjoy the time I have left with Wren before graduation, 2. It shouldn't be about a relationship, it should be about having fun, and 3. He's my friend right now, and I should be happy with that.

Though it's going to be hard to keep the feelings I have for him submerged, I should be completely happy just spending time with him as friends, and do you know what? For once in my life, I'm going to listen to my own advice.

"It was the night things changed, can you see it now, these walls they put up to hold us back fell down."

Sometimes I think Taylor Swift steals all her song ideas from my life, but that's okay, because now I have an awesome soundtrack to my life.


Peace Out Girl Scout
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Leftovers.

So a while back I became acquainted with a pleasant young fellow. To be frank I was quite smitten with him. We talked and conversed quite regularly. It wasn't until like a month ago, he liked me to, but I ruined it. 

For about a month I've just been head over heels for him, and it just wasn't working, until tonight I didn't realize that what happened happened, and its not going to happen again.

Though it would be nice to have a relationship, I don't have the time. With college apps taking up most of my time, SAT study time, ACT study time, and normal AP study time. I'm bogged down. 

I've learned I need to live for the moment. Live for today, and have no regrets. I enjoyed the time I spent with him, but it ended. I regret nothing. 

Living on the edge doesn't mean taking risks, it means living knowing that tomorrow might not come, and being okay with that. I've learned that I don't need some guy to be happy. I need to just LIVE. 

Besides, come May, we'd have to break it off any way, and I don't want to have to go through that. Meanwhile there are other relationships that I'd like to work on. Like the one with the all mighty God. I've been so busy I've left Him at the wayside and I'm giving Him my left over time. He deserves ALL my time, not just the left overs.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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AH! IDEA!!!

So after my last post I had an awesome idea!! Top Ten Thursday! I have a subject, tell you my top ten, then you would tell me and like your post on my post! Sound awesome?! I think so!!!


PEACE OUT GIRL SCOUT!

Brief is Life, but Love is Long.

So, as I was cleaning my room today I discovered a small journal I used to keep from seventh to eighth grade. Well this journal was full of stupid stuff about a crush I had on this ONE guy for that long. I was a stalker. It was scary.

Anyway, this guy was all I used to think about, and as I read this stupid girls version of what she felt for this guy, I realized, 1. I was a creep and 2. I had better things in my life to worry about than guys. As I came to the last page in this journal I read a entry that I had written my Freshman year, It seems forever ago, I don't even remember writing it. This is what it said.

"So yeah its almost been a year since I wrote in this stupid thing..... I've learned somethings since seventh grade (mostly from God). I shouldn't seek love. I should stumble upon it."

I then go on to talk about a previous boyfriend and say "I didn't go into this relationship head over heels, but I didn't come out of it heart over head. The whole thing was a big awkward mess, but those little, but few sweet things that we shared stuck. It was awkward, so I tried to get out of it. I started a fight out of nothing and broke it off, and put it out of sight, out of mind."

Wow, I was a deep person then.

I then go on to finish the entry by saying.

"I really haven't stopped thinking 'did i do the right thing?".......  "Do I let it go knowing I might have missed out on something great?"

There was a big transition from that seventh grade girl obsessing over some guy she thought she knew, to this older, more self aware girl who knows that everything in life isn't about having a boy friend.

I look back at that journal, and my previous blog posts and realize, that seventh grade girl was there during the summer, and that mature ninth grade girl has made her way back into the picture. I understand now that God knows what is best for me, even when I think something else is better. I know now that God's love is all I need.

Just think, the creator of this glorious universe loves ME. Me of all people who sin and could care less about God during the week, but on Sunday act like He is the only one for me. And He is. He's the only one I could ever need, and I forget that sometimes. Not anymore, never again will I forget that.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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I've got a feelin'

So school is really starting to catch up on me. Thats why this blog post is so late even though what I'm about to write about happened last weekend. So I guess it would be Sunday, I hoped on over to the town next to mine to get a book for school. You're probably like, "Well okay Tansy good for you, you actually read", but no, thats not the point of this story. The point of this story is about people.

So immediately as I walk in the book store, a clerk welcomes me by saying, "Hey Angel," but at first I was like oh she's not talking to me, but then she continued to talk to me and I was like "uhhhh I'm doing fine thanks". Then she continued to say " Just let me know if you need any help now" I said " I will thanks".

Sooo.... anywho, I go about my normal shopping getting the book I need for school, a book for Bayla and my mom, and a book for me.

So as I go to check out the same clerk was just so cheerful and pleasant. It really just made my day. I had a shirt on that said "Walk Humbly" and she was like "aw, I love that scripture" and I immediately liked her even more.

Then these two girls walked in who obviously just got there hair done, and she yelled "You're hair looks really good. You're so pretty".

Then she says to me " You know sometimes girls tend to hate other girls because they think they're prettier than them, and sometimes pretty girls don't think they're pretty and need a bit of self confidience, because really all of us are beautiful on the inside. We should tell each other that sometimes."

I was like fully ready to ask her to be my best friend forever at this point.

I mean, she was like a modern day philosopher, but it made me think. No matter if I forget her name, or where she worked, where I met her. I'll know that she made me feel like I was special. That I mattered. That we all mattered in the grand scheme of things. That woman, girl, student, what ever has changed my life.

What if I hadn't gone to the book store that day? What if she wasn't working? My life would have stayed the same, but that chance encounter showed me that there is really and truly an awesome God out there. She really changed my life, I'm serious. Because of that chance meeting, my life is better.

I'll always remember that feeling that I felt when I was around her.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Ah. For the love of Grayson.

So I just realize I didn't post a back to school post. Well its been like a week now since school started, which gave you the I Don't Know post because already all of my friends are like are you doing early enrollment and I'm like uhhhh.... what?

So as I started this second week of school I think, this is MY senior year, MINE and I want to make the most of it.

I may never see these people again, maybe I don't want to, but still there are people that I want to see again, and WANT to stay in my life. Why not live life for now, not for later not what could be or should be. I know I can get into college.

My SAT's were pretty good, and I've taken several AP classes. I'm an all A student, so I can get it. I just don't know WHERE, but right now I don't care. Senior '11.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Just Dance.

I have had what you might call a blogging FAIL. The last time I really posted was in like 18 days ago. I feel stupid. I love blogging. It keeps my head on straight. When I blog I feel energized and excited and just plain happy. I need some happy in my life. I will never again go more than a week with out blogging. Granted it will probably be only once a week when school starts back, but I will, nay must blog.

Blogging clears my mind of everything. Its my creative outlet. Well this and dance. I love to dance:) Some people run, swim, eat, drink, smoke, or even sleep(what i've been doing(sad face)) to clear their mind. Me, I blog, and dance. Mostly dance.

Dancing is my outward expression of happiness:), but I don't only dance when I'm happy. I dance when:

I'm bored

I'm sick

I'm silly

I'm excited

Dancing just makes me feel good inside.

I blog when;

I'm sad

I'm lonely

I'm hurt

I'm angry.

I think I've found the two things I'm good at are the two things that I love to do the most.

and this brings me back to the purpose of this blog. To find myself. Or create myself. Before Taylor asked me to help her, I never even thought of blogging. Now I've realized that the simple idea of this blog, to find who I am, has helped me more than anything. I've found more of me than I ever could have before. Needless to say, I'm ecstatic.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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What if I don't know.

So I've decided I don't like where I'm at right now. You ask "Well where are you Tansy?" My reply? "I have no fucking idea where I am right now" Thats why I don't like it. I don't know where I am. Next year at this time I'm gone. Far away. Do I know where? Nope.

I don't know where I'm going to college. I don't know where I'm going to get the money to pay for it. I don't know if I can leave my mom by herself. I don't know who my friends are. I don't know if I even have any friends. I don't know if I even want to stay in this stupid town.

All I know is right now my life is a big WHAT IF? Those two words are the most hated words I could ever speak. What if I can't afford the college I want? What if I never find out where I'm supposed to be?

Adding to the What if to my life is the DON'T KNOW, but I have decided after the many conflicting voices in my head to let it go. Let go and let GOD. He's the only one who can sees the outcome of my life. So I'll give it to him to do what's right.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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