Release.

Hey. So you're probably like, "Who are you again?" It's me, Tansy. Or at least I think it is. Shit's happened. I became something I never thought I would be. I did something that I regret, and that doesn't happen often. 

I thought I could hang around the wrong crowd and not get sucked in, I thought I was strong enough that I could resist temptation. I was wrong. I didn't do anything illegal. I didn't do anything too terribly bad. I went against my morals. 

So I've been hanging around this group of guys who, don't always make the best decisions. I was sucked in by charm. Long story short. They convinced me to sneak out at 2 am. I got caught. 

Was I mad that I was grounded for 2 weeks? No. I was mad that after all my protesting, Wren said, "Do I have to make the decision for you?" I said yes, and he said, "We're coming to get you." 

I'm still pissed that I did it. I'm pissed that I've turned into this person who cusses and my excuse for hanging out with them was "Maybe if I hang out with them, I might be a good influence. God wants me to do this." 

They know I don't like drugs and alcohol, so they didn't do that when I was with them, (well once, but I didn't know they were high at the time). I thought I was changing them, but they were changing me. I was trying so hard to impress them, that I changed. 

Now. I'm just through. I've spent the last month alone. I never go out of my house. No one invites me to things. Just alone, and that sucks, and it makes me want to cry. I don't tell anyone anything. I'm pissed and hurt and scared and alone and no one cares.

No one asks how I am. I act okay at school. I laugh. I smile. I fake. My grades are dropping. I'm sinking into this place that's awful. And it just feels so good to write this. To get everything out of my system.


xo.
i missed you.
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Don't Call Me Humpty Dumpty Quite Yet

I'm lost. I'm scared. And I'm back in a bubble. I don't know what it is. I don't know what I'm feeling. I just plain out don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I don't know what is right anymore. I just feel fucked up.



Letting go. I've tried it. I've tried letting go of this, but I haven't tried letting go and letting God. This whole quarter has just been filled with stupid. Stupid crushes, stupid feelings, stupid actions, and honestly there is no one to blame but myself.



My life is twisted in knots and it's come to the point where I'm trying to undo it by pulling as hard as I can to get it undone, but all that happens is that I make it tighter. I realized tonight that I can't do it by myself. I can't really do it at all. 

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I will cry at most anything depressing. I'm a passionate person, what can I say. In reality, I'm terrified of tears, because tears to me mean heartbreak and emotional pain. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared of admitting I'm broken. 

I denied it for a long time, but I'm in pieces. And I can't move on. I can't move from this place of frustration, heart ache, stress, just being miserable. I haven't been taking care of myself, I haven't been exercising, I've barely gotten up from my lap top in two weeks. I'm just not healthy inside or out. 

I've just been holding all of this in. I literally can't talk to anyone about this. I have no one to confide in. I'm sitting here realizing, that I care so much about the world and the people in it, that I never care about myself.

"I have been dealing with versions of you my whole life and I'm going to tell you something that I should have told myself a long time ago. Sometimes it's about me, OK? Not all the time but every once in a while it's my time." -Anne Hathaway; Bride Wars

I have a passion for people, and sometimes I forget it's okay to care about myself. I need time to heal. Time to let God undo the mess I've made. Right now, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just confused, and at a point where there is no other choice but to give everything up to Him. That's what I should have done all along.

Peace out Girl Scout

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You Never Know What You Got Till It's Gone.

Driving home today, I had the worst daydream possible. I daydreamed that my two best friends died in a car crash. It was awful. I almost had to put over I was crying so much. They are all that I have, and I would be devastated if I lost them.

As soon as I got home I text both to make sure they were still living, and they were much to my pleasing. Over the summer though one of my friends, Samantha, from elementary school wrecked coming home from her boyfriends house. She hit a tree, broke her neck, and died instantly. 

That same night. I was with my two best friends and their boy friends. My best friend, Lucy, was probably driving around 80 mph. I was freaking out. When we got back to Lucy's house, who happened to live next door to Samantha. We went straight to bed. In the morning, while I was leaving for church Samantha's mom and another neighbor rang the doorbell. 

I left for church and didn't know what words were exchanged until during the church service, I heard the news. My heart stopped. 

I really didn't know what to do at that point. That could have been me and my two friends. It was a wake up call. I wasn't close to Samantha any more, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks.

I guess the whole point of this post was to show how thankful I am for my life, and my friends. Knowing that life could end at any moment is scary, but it's also humbling. I now know I'm not ten feet tall and bullet proof, and I intend to live life to the fullest everyday.


Rest in Peace Sam. #7. I love you. 
Peace Out Girl Scout.
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To Be Thankful

Maybe everyday should be Thanksgiving day, because in reality, we should be thankful for so much.

I have a bed to sleep in, food to eat, clothes to put on my back, friends that make me laugh until I cry, family like no other, and what do I always do? complain. I promise you I complain more than anyone else on the planet, but honestly I have nothing to complain about.

There are seriously kids in Africa who have been TAKEN from their homes, forced to KILL their parents, taught how to VIOLENTLY MURDER their peers, and are exposed to DEATH more than I will ever have seen. Yet, I still complain.

Those kids, those sweet Ugandan kids, are honestly more thankful than I am. They're thankful for their single blanket, their sip of water, their shack, their brothers and sisters that aren't dead. 

Yet I'm not thankful for my laptop, my computer, my freewill, and I need to fix this. Now. As I sat around talking with my family at thanksgiving lunch, about nothing real important, I realized, I've got it pretty good. No more complaining, no more whining, no more "I want this, I want that," but more "wow, I'm glad I have this, and man I'm sure lucky,"


Happy Thanksgiving
xoxo
Tansy
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Mr. Opportunity knocked, and I slammed the door in his face.

So its been a while since I've actually wrote anything, and I'm sorry. Its just college applications and school have completely bogged me down, but none the less, I feel the need to blog.

You know Wren, well, I thought I was over him, and I hoped and prayed I would be, but I'm not. No matter what I do, and do you know what sucks. I'm pretty sure he liked me. Back way back before he thought I wasn't crazy. 

I was looking at the emails we sent, and I realized, he DID like me, and I was too stupid to do anything about it. I just let it be.

UGH! Do you know how frustrated that makes me like Frustrated to the 10th power. I had a chance, and I sat there in my own little world and watched it pass me right on by. What am I going to do about it? Nothing, because thats what I do best.

AH, I was trying to fix it though, I really was and still am, but its not happening. Ah, and no one probably even cares. Lovely.


Peace out Girl Scout.
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Playlist from the heart

So as you've probably read from the last post. I'm not in a very good happy joyful mood. "Feel Good" playlist;

1. Two is Better than One- Boys like Girls

I was singing this as I was making the "burst my bubble" post. I thought it felt appropriate.

2. Rest, Shame, Love- Augustana

I just love the sound of this song. Some lyrics hit me.

3. Northern Downpour- Panic at the Disco

The somewhat meaningless lyrics and the soft repetitiveness of it makes me smile.

4. Country Roads- John Denver

Reminds me of camp, and that I'll always have some place to come back to.

5. July Flame- Laura Veirs

Love the sound of it. "July Flame"

6. Hey Stephen- Taylor Swift

Yeah, good ole' classic love song. I love Taylor Swift:)

7. Kokomo- The Beach Boys

I remember me and my mom mopping the kitchen floor listening to her Beach Boys cassette. I always loved this song and it makes me smile with all the places.

8. Somewhere Only We Know-Keane

I just love the fantasy element. Its so soft and slow. One of my favorites.

9. M79- Vampire Weekend

I LOVE Vampire Weekend, love this song. Its so folksy:)

10. Keep Holding On- Avril Lavigne

Enough said.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Going Dark; Update 2

So its been really hard lately with no communication from the outside world. I've just been lazy. Today after work I was driving and saw my best friends together. It was very hard to see them having fun with out me. I don't like being left out.

I don't like not being in the loop, but I think its what's best for me right now. Its not that I don't want to hang out with my friends. I do. It hurts being left out. I guess its my fault, but it still hurts. Its like I'm on the outside looking in. Actually its more I'm inside looking out.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Road Blocked

Now is the time I wish I had someone there for me. Someone who could talk back to me, not a computer. I know I can talk to God, but I think he's telling me to tell someone. I don't know who though. I just feel like bursting into tears, but I can't. I don't have the comfort of my room, or my show just feel so burdened so out of place. My mind is going twenty different directions.

I don't want to do this, but I think my mental health might count on it. Its been my life, my passion. I can't give up. I can't but I don't see another option. And the person I just told probably doesn't care what I do. Probably could care less, probably won't even respond to my text. I feel beaten, I feel abused. I feel like I can't go on. I can't take another step.

pfh.

weheartit

Don't Count on It.

So I have like started and erased and started and erased this post like twelve times, so I'm just going to write. Do you know what REALLY bothers me? People. Yup, people. At this point you're probably saying to yourself, "This chick is crazy, what is she talking about," and then you exit out of my page. Thats fine I don't care, and maybe I am a little bit crazy. Heck. Who isn't just a little bit crazy, but back to my people hating. Really though, I hate people. Don't take this personally. For all I know you are a great person, but I still hate people. I've started to rely on people way too much, and the truth is you can't rely on people. People aren't RELIABLE. No Joke. I asked someone to give my book back like a month ago and they sitll haven't. I NEED that book. It just irks me, yes I just said irks. But really was it that hard to go five minutes down the street? No. No it wasn't. Thats why I have to get up tomorrow and go do get it because PEOPLE didn't do it the first time. Hence, why I hate people.

Peace out Girl Scout.