Release.

Hey. So you're probably like, "Who are you again?" It's me, Tansy. Or at least I think it is. Shit's happened. I became something I never thought I would be. I did something that I regret, and that doesn't happen often. 

I thought I could hang around the wrong crowd and not get sucked in, I thought I was strong enough that I could resist temptation. I was wrong. I didn't do anything illegal. I didn't do anything too terribly bad. I went against my morals. 

So I've been hanging around this group of guys who, don't always make the best decisions. I was sucked in by charm. Long story short. They convinced me to sneak out at 2 am. I got caught. 

Was I mad that I was grounded for 2 weeks? No. I was mad that after all my protesting, Wren said, "Do I have to make the decision for you?" I said yes, and he said, "We're coming to get you." 

I'm still pissed that I did it. I'm pissed that I've turned into this person who cusses and my excuse for hanging out with them was "Maybe if I hang out with them, I might be a good influence. God wants me to do this." 

They know I don't like drugs and alcohol, so they didn't do that when I was with them, (well once, but I didn't know they were high at the time). I thought I was changing them, but they were changing me. I was trying so hard to impress them, that I changed. 

Now. I'm just through. I've spent the last month alone. I never go out of my house. No one invites me to things. Just alone, and that sucks, and it makes me want to cry. I don't tell anyone anything. I'm pissed and hurt and scared and alone and no one cares.

No one asks how I am. I act okay at school. I laugh. I smile. I fake. My grades are dropping. I'm sinking into this place that's awful. And it just feels so good to write this. To get everything out of my system.


xo.
i missed you.
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Don't Call Me Humpty Dumpty Quite Yet

I'm lost. I'm scared. And I'm back in a bubble. I don't know what it is. I don't know what I'm feeling. I just plain out don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I don't know what is right anymore. I just feel fucked up.



Letting go. I've tried it. I've tried letting go of this, but I haven't tried letting go and letting God. This whole quarter has just been filled with stupid. Stupid crushes, stupid feelings, stupid actions, and honestly there is no one to blame but myself.



My life is twisted in knots and it's come to the point where I'm trying to undo it by pulling as hard as I can to get it undone, but all that happens is that I make it tighter. I realized tonight that I can't do it by myself. I can't really do it at all. 

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I will cry at most anything depressing. I'm a passionate person, what can I say. In reality, I'm terrified of tears, because tears to me mean heartbreak and emotional pain. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared of admitting I'm broken. 

I denied it for a long time, but I'm in pieces. And I can't move on. I can't move from this place of frustration, heart ache, stress, just being miserable. I haven't been taking care of myself, I haven't been exercising, I've barely gotten up from my lap top in two weeks. I'm just not healthy inside or out. 

I've just been holding all of this in. I literally can't talk to anyone about this. I have no one to confide in. I'm sitting here realizing, that I care so much about the world and the people in it, that I never care about myself.

"I have been dealing with versions of you my whole life and I'm going to tell you something that I should have told myself a long time ago. Sometimes it's about me, OK? Not all the time but every once in a while it's my time." -Anne Hathaway; Bride Wars

I have a passion for people, and sometimes I forget it's okay to care about myself. I need time to heal. Time to let God undo the mess I've made. Right now, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just confused, and at a point where there is no other choice but to give everything up to Him. That's what I should have done all along.

Peace out Girl Scout

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Sometimes, I wish I could be lazy.

So ever scince I was little, I've always been doing something. Something all the time, soccer, t-ball, dance, science club, church, piano lessons, or art class. I've always been working always been going always busy, and it keeps going now. I've got so much too do, so many commitments. I just wish somethings could be easier.

Why is stress the thing overwhelming my life! I'm the kind of person that doesn't do things half-heartedly, so if I have a 208923472389427394283942738 million things to do. I'll do them to the best of my abilities.

Like my relationship with Wren. I'm pretty sure he likes me again, but can't it just be easy as him asking me to do something. No. It can't, and honestly, I think relationships should take some work, but I'm tired of working, and I'm not going into this half heartedly.

I'm about to crash I've been working so much... and honestly I don't think I want a relationship now, because a relationship will take work, and its not like it would last. And I don't want heartbreak to slide into the picture.

This has just been rambling. I'm sorry, but I just need to vent.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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I just get so frustrated at my "friends" that I don't want to do anything but punch a wall or something. and I just couldn't get past that wall of crap and i finally just breathed, stepped back and asked myself, is it worth my time and effort to fight this fight. And apparently I thought I needed to and where did it get me? No where. No one ever listens to me and I just can't deal with this anymore. I just really can't. Sometimes I just want to scream through the top of my lungs "F you", but I can't. I just can't. I can't. I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't. 


I just can't wait until college. New friends, new life, New everything. Most of the time I'm terrified of change, but now, I need it. I need to rid myself of these poison people and this poison thats ruining my life. I'm done with it.


x

Loserville: Population- Me.

So I am officially a loser. I did it, but then I took it back. No seriously. I am a loser. For this to make sense read this. I can't believe I canceled it. Yeah, thats right. I took initative, set up this "meeting" and freaked and canceled it. UGH! I hate myself sometimes. I chickened out because I was so terrified of Scenario Three! AH! I fail.

To make it even worse I lied to him! I told him that I couldn't make it because I had to baby sit my sister. LIES! I am a LIAR! AH! AH! AH! I hate myself. Really, why didn't I meet him. It would be the first time I saw him all summer! Now I'm just wishing he'll ask me to go to a concert that we've been talking about forever, but knowing me I'll say I can't go. UGH!

Why did I do it. I really don't know. I think its my fear of confrontation. Seriously, if I don't know you like if I haven't been to your house and met your parents know you, I will not talk to you in person alone. I've talked to Wren like that before, except we were waiting on friends and we were the first people there. Thats different though. This was my one opportunity, but wait! I still have the notes! I can still win this! Hazaah! Okay, I'm an optpessimist. Guilty. I overthink things way too much.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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3 is the Magic Number.

So I've done it. Yes shy little Tansy S. has done it!! I have made plans with Wren! Well not really. Well kinda. I'm giving him some notes on a class I took this past year and he's taking this year, but still we have plans to meet in a parking lot!! Yeah, sketchy right, but no it's not! Thats were everyone meets down here! So in my mind it can go three different ways.

Scenario 1: We meet at 2 in the parking lot, I give him the notes. We both leave. I would be fine with this situation because thats all that was planned. This is what I expect to happen.

Scenario 2: We meet at 2 in the parking lot, I give him the notes. We start talking, are cars would be facing each other and we would both be sitting on our hoods. We would talk for an hour. He would ask me to go grab something to eat with him. I would jump in his car, and we would ride of into the sunset with him on the way to McDonald's or something.(I'm hungry okay).

This is the least likely scenario considering its 2 in the afternoon, and we would have to be talking for like 5 hours. This would be my hope and dream. I would actually get to spend time with him, but it probably won't happen.

Scenario 3: I would arrive at the parking lot at 1:45. I would wait in my hot car, with Lady Ga Ga busting out the speakers. It would be 2. I would turn down the radio and stop dancing like a fool. I keep waiting. 2:18 I would send him a text and ask him if he died. 2:30. No reply. I decide to get brave and call him because we all know how I hate to talk on the phone. 2:31. Voicemail. I say to myself, he probably just got stuck in traffic.

2:32. I realize there isn't any traffic at 2 in the afternoon. 2:40. I send the tenth text message asking him where he is. 3:00. I admit defeat. I was stood up. In a parking lot. At 2 in the afternoon. With AP US History notes in the passenger side of my car. I am a loser. This is worst case scenario. I would then proceed to cry until 3:30. And boohoo all the way home. This scenario would happen after scenario 1, and way before scenario 2. I would have failed.

Stay tuned, remember this is going to be like a Stream of Posts(like Faulkner's stream of consciousness). Don't read "Don't Go with the Flow" if you don't want to be extremely disgusted.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Road Blocked

Now is the time I wish I had someone there for me. Someone who could talk back to me, not a computer. I know I can talk to God, but I think he's telling me to tell someone. I don't know who though. I just feel like bursting into tears, but I can't. I don't have the comfort of my room, or my show just feel so burdened so out of place. My mind is going twenty different directions.

I don't want to do this, but I think my mental health might count on it. Its been my life, my passion. I can't give up. I can't but I don't see another option. And the person I just told probably doesn't care what I do. Probably could care less, probably won't even respond to my text. I feel beaten, I feel abused. I feel like I can't go on. I can't take another step.

pfh.

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