It was really nice to meet you, goodbye.

I don't like leaving. I don't like it. Not one bit. I hate that my friends are going to be scattered across the south, I hate that I never had with him what I wish I did. I hate becoming super close to someone this year, then leaving now. I hate graduation, I hate finding out other people are leaving. I can't stand hearing, "this is the last." 

I know I'm in denial. I scream and close my ears when anyone says something about leaving or graduation or college. I can't help it. I've known this place for all my life, I've known these people forever. How can I let them go?

I know that it's pretty ridiculous of me to say, that I have to let them go, because they're going whether I like it or not. I just hope they know how thankful I am to have them in my life. How grateful I truly am to have known them and to laugh, and cry, and sing, and dance, and explore, and create, and experience, with them. 

Maybe our stories don't end here, but it sure feels like it. I hope it doesn't, but if it has to I hope that every moment we spent all together will not be forgotten. I know it will be, and that's okay, what I really want all of us to remember is how much fun we had, and how we were each other's strong holds; that we were there for each other. 

This is my last blog post. It seems appropriate. I'm leaving high school behind, I want to leave the girl who all she cared about was whether she needed a boyfriend or not behind. I'll still pop in, look at my posts, reflect about who I was and who I was becoming. 

I guess you could say I found myself. It wasn't what I expected. I didn't find out what I wanted to be in life, I didn't find my social circle, but I found my potential. I learned I have something inside of me that's great. I learned that life isn't just what I see from my viewfinder. It's that I have to take away that blue plastic toy and learn that there is a whole world out there ready for me to experience.

I want to thank everyone who reads this. Who has supported me with kind words, who's put up with my mindless rants. I truly appreciate you. You've made an impact on my life, and I hope I've impacted yours too. 


Much much love,
Tansy.

Release.

Hey. So you're probably like, "Who are you again?" It's me, Tansy. Or at least I think it is. Shit's happened. I became something I never thought I would be. I did something that I regret, and that doesn't happen often. 

I thought I could hang around the wrong crowd and not get sucked in, I thought I was strong enough that I could resist temptation. I was wrong. I didn't do anything illegal. I didn't do anything too terribly bad. I went against my morals. 

So I've been hanging around this group of guys who, don't always make the best decisions. I was sucked in by charm. Long story short. They convinced me to sneak out at 2 am. I got caught. 

Was I mad that I was grounded for 2 weeks? No. I was mad that after all my protesting, Wren said, "Do I have to make the decision for you?" I said yes, and he said, "We're coming to get you." 

I'm still pissed that I did it. I'm pissed that I've turned into this person who cusses and my excuse for hanging out with them was "Maybe if I hang out with them, I might be a good influence. God wants me to do this." 

They know I don't like drugs and alcohol, so they didn't do that when I was with them, (well once, but I didn't know they were high at the time). I thought I was changing them, but they were changing me. I was trying so hard to impress them, that I changed. 

Now. I'm just through. I've spent the last month alone. I never go out of my house. No one invites me to things. Just alone, and that sucks, and it makes me want to cry. I don't tell anyone anything. I'm pissed and hurt and scared and alone and no one cares.

No one asks how I am. I act okay at school. I laugh. I smile. I fake. My grades are dropping. I'm sinking into this place that's awful. And it just feels so good to write this. To get everything out of my system.


xo.
i missed you.
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Hang in there, I know we're doing this for a reason.

Dear Morals,

I love you. I really truly do, and I'm sorry I'm putting myself in these situations that you get quite a beating, but always end up kicking ass in the end. I mean how many people can stand by what they believe in getting picked on for two hours? Not many. 

I know that you're probably telling me to stop putting myself in these situations, but the truth is, I think God wants us in those situations. Though you probably hate me for letting those kids laugh at you, I know we're stronger than that. 

Maybe we'll have some sort of impact on their lives, and honestly I really hope we do. They don't have awesome morals like you, except for Sam, I think he respects us. Even if we don't change their lives, I hope they know we tried, and I'm proud of us for not giving in and giving up the fight. 

Love, 
Tansy.

letting go for good.

I don't like him anymore, and I don't care. Okay, so maybe I like him like just an itsy bit, but I'm not going to be following him around like a hopeless puppy anymore. I'm relieved to say the least.

I mean, sure, it's disappointing to know that nothing happened between us, but at least I'm not going to feel my heart break come May. I let go. I let God, and now I could care less if he text me or not. 

Was this what I wanted? No, honestly, and maybe it's for the best. 


Peace Out Girl Scout.

New Year; New Me?

Every year at new years, you hear of people reinventing themselves. Changing who they are for what ever reason. In reality, we never really change who we are. We're always the same person. Scientifically of course. Philosophically? We can become who ever we want to be.

But are these new years resolutions to change how we see ourselves, or how the world sees us? Personally, I think it's much of the latter. I found a new years resolution list from 6th grade. Do you know what one of my resolutions was? Be Popular. Wow. How stereotypical. A middle school girl wishing to be popular.

My resolution for this year? Be myself. Don't conform, don't become something I'm not. Don't act. Don't lie. Be who I am everyday. It's not just that, it's showing myself to the world, and being proud of the wonderful person I have become.

Yeah, so what? I think I'm wonderful. I think everyone should think that they're wonderful. I think that true self gratification comes from accepting yourself as you are, not allowing the world to mold you into something you're not proud of.

I've been told I'm well liked. Apparently, everyone loves me. Why? I don't know. I don't try to please them, I try to please most of all God that's the only one who matters, and second I try to please myself. If I can't live my life with out regrets, then it's not a life worth living.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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Don't Call Me Humpty Dumpty Quite Yet

I'm lost. I'm scared. And I'm back in a bubble. I don't know what it is. I don't know what I'm feeling. I just plain out don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I don't know what is right anymore. I just feel fucked up.



Letting go. I've tried it. I've tried letting go of this, but I haven't tried letting go and letting God. This whole quarter has just been filled with stupid. Stupid crushes, stupid feelings, stupid actions, and honestly there is no one to blame but myself.



My life is twisted in knots and it's come to the point where I'm trying to undo it by pulling as hard as I can to get it undone, but all that happens is that I make it tighter. I realized tonight that I can't do it by myself. I can't really do it at all. 

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I will cry at most anything depressing. I'm a passionate person, what can I say. In reality, I'm terrified of tears, because tears to me mean heartbreak and emotional pain. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared of admitting I'm broken. 

I denied it for a long time, but I'm in pieces. And I can't move on. I can't move from this place of frustration, heart ache, stress, just being miserable. I haven't been taking care of myself, I haven't been exercising, I've barely gotten up from my lap top in two weeks. I'm just not healthy inside or out. 

I've just been holding all of this in. I literally can't talk to anyone about this. I have no one to confide in. I'm sitting here realizing, that I care so much about the world and the people in it, that I never care about myself.

"I have been dealing with versions of you my whole life and I'm going to tell you something that I should have told myself a long time ago. Sometimes it's about me, OK? Not all the time but every once in a while it's my time." -Anne Hathaway; Bride Wars

I have a passion for people, and sometimes I forget it's okay to care about myself. I need time to heal. Time to let God undo the mess I've made. Right now, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just confused, and at a point where there is no other choice but to give everything up to Him. That's what I should have done all along.

Peace out Girl Scout

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You Never Know What You Got Till It's Gone.

Driving home today, I had the worst daydream possible. I daydreamed that my two best friends died in a car crash. It was awful. I almost had to put over I was crying so much. They are all that I have, and I would be devastated if I lost them.

As soon as I got home I text both to make sure they were still living, and they were much to my pleasing. Over the summer though one of my friends, Samantha, from elementary school wrecked coming home from her boyfriends house. She hit a tree, broke her neck, and died instantly. 

That same night. I was with my two best friends and their boy friends. My best friend, Lucy, was probably driving around 80 mph. I was freaking out. When we got back to Lucy's house, who happened to live next door to Samantha. We went straight to bed. In the morning, while I was leaving for church Samantha's mom and another neighbor rang the doorbell. 

I left for church and didn't know what words were exchanged until during the church service, I heard the news. My heart stopped. 

I really didn't know what to do at that point. That could have been me and my two friends. It was a wake up call. I wasn't close to Samantha any more, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks.

I guess the whole point of this post was to show how thankful I am for my life, and my friends. Knowing that life could end at any moment is scary, but it's also humbling. I now know I'm not ten feet tall and bullet proof, and I intend to live life to the fullest everyday.


Rest in Peace Sam. #7. I love you. 
Peace Out Girl Scout.
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Less is More

"Fear less, hope more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more, and good things will be yours" -Swedish Proverb.

So, I came across this, and my heart smiled, because it really applies to my life right now. 

"Fear less, hope more." Lately I've been in a ball of fear. I can't move. Its like I'm afraid, everything I do is wrong, and I'm paralyzed. I'm paralyzed with fear before I act on anything. Maybe, I just need to let hope fill my life, and let my actions be from my heart, not paralyzed by my brain.

"Whine less, breathe more." I complain. A lot. Quotes from me about every other day. "I'm cold." "There are too many stairs" "I don't want to go" "My computer won't work." "I don't want to take a test." It's pathetic because there are kids out there and people who have it far worse than me. I just need to breathe through what I think is bad.

"Talk less, say more." If you ask anyone of my friends, they would tell you I talk 100% of the time and you can only understand me less than 50%. Maybe, I just need to listen for once, and think about what I say before I say it..

"Hate less, love more." I know you may not think this but I'm a hateful person. I make on the spot judgments about people that I don't even know. Its like I look at a person and immediately find the worse thing I can about them. Maybe instead of finding the bad. I'll find the good.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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Sometimes, I wish I could be lazy.

So ever scince I was little, I've always been doing something. Something all the time, soccer, t-ball, dance, science club, church, piano lessons, or art class. I've always been working always been going always busy, and it keeps going now. I've got so much too do, so many commitments. I just wish somethings could be easier.

Why is stress the thing overwhelming my life! I'm the kind of person that doesn't do things half-heartedly, so if I have a 208923472389427394283942738 million things to do. I'll do them to the best of my abilities.

Like my relationship with Wren. I'm pretty sure he likes me again, but can't it just be easy as him asking me to do something. No. It can't, and honestly, I think relationships should take some work, but I'm tired of working, and I'm not going into this half heartedly.

I'm about to crash I've been working so much... and honestly I don't think I want a relationship now, because a relationship will take work, and its not like it would last. And I don't want heartbreak to slide into the picture.

This has just been rambling. I'm sorry, but I just need to vent.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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To Be Thankful

Maybe everyday should be Thanksgiving day, because in reality, we should be thankful for so much.

I have a bed to sleep in, food to eat, clothes to put on my back, friends that make me laugh until I cry, family like no other, and what do I always do? complain. I promise you I complain more than anyone else on the planet, but honestly I have nothing to complain about.

There are seriously kids in Africa who have been TAKEN from their homes, forced to KILL their parents, taught how to VIOLENTLY MURDER their peers, and are exposed to DEATH more than I will ever have seen. Yet, I still complain.

Those kids, those sweet Ugandan kids, are honestly more thankful than I am. They're thankful for their single blanket, their sip of water, their shack, their brothers and sisters that aren't dead. 

Yet I'm not thankful for my laptop, my computer, my freewill, and I need to fix this. Now. As I sat around talking with my family at thanksgiving lunch, about nothing real important, I realized, I've got it pretty good. No more complaining, no more whining, no more "I want this, I want that," but more "wow, I'm glad I have this, and man I'm sure lucky,"


Happy Thanksgiving
xoxo
Tansy
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Leftovers.

So a while back I became acquainted with a pleasant young fellow. To be frank I was quite smitten with him. We talked and conversed quite regularly. It wasn't until like a month ago, he liked me to, but I ruined it. 

For about a month I've just been head over heels for him, and it just wasn't working, until tonight I didn't realize that what happened happened, and its not going to happen again.

Though it would be nice to have a relationship, I don't have the time. With college apps taking up most of my time, SAT study time, ACT study time, and normal AP study time. I'm bogged down. 

I've learned I need to live for the moment. Live for today, and have no regrets. I enjoyed the time I spent with him, but it ended. I regret nothing. 

Living on the edge doesn't mean taking risks, it means living knowing that tomorrow might not come, and being okay with that. I've learned that I don't need some guy to be happy. I need to just LIVE. 

Besides, come May, we'd have to break it off any way, and I don't want to have to go through that. Meanwhile there are other relationships that I'd like to work on. Like the one with the all mighty God. I've been so busy I've left Him at the wayside and I'm giving Him my left over time. He deserves ALL my time, not just the left overs.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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