It was really nice to meet you, goodbye.

I don't like leaving. I don't like it. Not one bit. I hate that my friends are going to be scattered across the south, I hate that I never had with him what I wish I did. I hate becoming super close to someone this year, then leaving now. I hate graduation, I hate finding out other people are leaving. I can't stand hearing, "this is the last." 

I know I'm in denial. I scream and close my ears when anyone says something about leaving or graduation or college. I can't help it. I've known this place for all my life, I've known these people forever. How can I let them go?

I know that it's pretty ridiculous of me to say, that I have to let them go, because they're going whether I like it or not. I just hope they know how thankful I am to have them in my life. How grateful I truly am to have known them and to laugh, and cry, and sing, and dance, and explore, and create, and experience, with them. 

Maybe our stories don't end here, but it sure feels like it. I hope it doesn't, but if it has to I hope that every moment we spent all together will not be forgotten. I know it will be, and that's okay, what I really want all of us to remember is how much fun we had, and how we were each other's strong holds; that we were there for each other. 

This is my last blog post. It seems appropriate. I'm leaving high school behind, I want to leave the girl who all she cared about was whether she needed a boyfriend or not behind. I'll still pop in, look at my posts, reflect about who I was and who I was becoming. 

I guess you could say I found myself. It wasn't what I expected. I didn't find out what I wanted to be in life, I didn't find my social circle, but I found my potential. I learned I have something inside of me that's great. I learned that life isn't just what I see from my viewfinder. It's that I have to take away that blue plastic toy and learn that there is a whole world out there ready for me to experience.

I want to thank everyone who reads this. Who has supported me with kind words, who's put up with my mindless rants. I truly appreciate you. You've made an impact on my life, and I hope I've impacted yours too. 


Much much love,
Tansy.

"You didn't care at all."

Secret No. 17: I just keep sitting here thinking; if you wanted to talk to me you would. 

Release.

Hey. So you're probably like, "Who are you again?" It's me, Tansy. Or at least I think it is. Shit's happened. I became something I never thought I would be. I did something that I regret, and that doesn't happen often. 

I thought I could hang around the wrong crowd and not get sucked in, I thought I was strong enough that I could resist temptation. I was wrong. I didn't do anything illegal. I didn't do anything too terribly bad. I went against my morals. 

So I've been hanging around this group of guys who, don't always make the best decisions. I was sucked in by charm. Long story short. They convinced me to sneak out at 2 am. I got caught. 

Was I mad that I was grounded for 2 weeks? No. I was mad that after all my protesting, Wren said, "Do I have to make the decision for you?" I said yes, and he said, "We're coming to get you." 

I'm still pissed that I did it. I'm pissed that I've turned into this person who cusses and my excuse for hanging out with them was "Maybe if I hang out with them, I might be a good influence. God wants me to do this." 

They know I don't like drugs and alcohol, so they didn't do that when I was with them, (well once, but I didn't know they were high at the time). I thought I was changing them, but they were changing me. I was trying so hard to impress them, that I changed. 

Now. I'm just through. I've spent the last month alone. I never go out of my house. No one invites me to things. Just alone, and that sucks, and it makes me want to cry. I don't tell anyone anything. I'm pissed and hurt and scared and alone and no one cares.

No one asks how I am. I act okay at school. I laugh. I smile. I fake. My grades are dropping. I'm sinking into this place that's awful. And it just feels so good to write this. To get everything out of my system.


xo.
i missed you.
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"He used to stay awake to drive the dreams he had away."

Secret 16: You're shit, and it's taken me sometime to realize it, but I do know. I'm glad I didn't grow too attached. 

"But Instead He's Just a Friend"

Secret No. 15: Maybe I gave up too soon.

Hang in there, I know we're doing this for a reason.

Dear Morals,

I love you. I really truly do, and I'm sorry I'm putting myself in these situations that you get quite a beating, but always end up kicking ass in the end. I mean how many people can stand by what they believe in getting picked on for two hours? Not many. 

I know that you're probably telling me to stop putting myself in these situations, but the truth is, I think God wants us in those situations. Though you probably hate me for letting those kids laugh at you, I know we're stronger than that. 

Maybe we'll have some sort of impact on their lives, and honestly I really hope we do. They don't have awesome morals like you, except for Sam, I think he respects us. Even if we don't change their lives, I hope they know we tried, and I'm proud of us for not giving in and giving up the fight. 

Love, 
Tansy.

2011. You came too soon.

Everyone around me including most bloggers have been talking about what they want in 2011. Goals, dreams, etc. I don't know. All I do know is.

I want to be happy in 2011.


Peace Out Girl Scout.

New Year; New Me?

Every year at new years, you hear of people reinventing themselves. Changing who they are for what ever reason. In reality, we never really change who we are. We're always the same person. Scientifically of course. Philosophically? We can become who ever we want to be.

But are these new years resolutions to change how we see ourselves, or how the world sees us? Personally, I think it's much of the latter. I found a new years resolution list from 6th grade. Do you know what one of my resolutions was? Be Popular. Wow. How stereotypical. A middle school girl wishing to be popular.

My resolution for this year? Be myself. Don't conform, don't become something I'm not. Don't act. Don't lie. Be who I am everyday. It's not just that, it's showing myself to the world, and being proud of the wonderful person I have become.

Yeah, so what? I think I'm wonderful. I think everyone should think that they're wonderful. I think that true self gratification comes from accepting yourself as you are, not allowing the world to mold you into something you're not proud of.

I've been told I'm well liked. Apparently, everyone loves me. Why? I don't know. I don't try to please them, I try to please most of all God that's the only one who matters, and second I try to please myself. If I can't live my life with out regrets, then it's not a life worth living.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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"In the Shadow of Your Heart."

Secret No. 14: Luckily, hanging out with you didn't make me fall even harder. Luckily, I didn't even care you were there. Maybe I have let go and let God.

"I say I hate you and I love you the most"

Secret No. 13: How come when I decide I'm better off with out you, you make your way back into the picture? Why is it that you frustrate me so?

"I will rise when He calls my name."

Secret No. 12: I've broke, and I don't need you to fix me. God's got that taken care of.

Don't Call Me Humpty Dumpty Quite Yet

I'm lost. I'm scared. And I'm back in a bubble. I don't know what it is. I don't know what I'm feeling. I just plain out don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I don't know what is right anymore. I just feel fucked up.



Letting go. I've tried it. I've tried letting go of this, but I haven't tried letting go and letting God. This whole quarter has just been filled with stupid. Stupid crushes, stupid feelings, stupid actions, and honestly there is no one to blame but myself.



My life is twisted in knots and it's come to the point where I'm trying to undo it by pulling as hard as I can to get it undone, but all that happens is that I make it tighter. I realized tonight that I can't do it by myself. I can't really do it at all. 

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I will cry at most anything depressing. I'm a passionate person, what can I say. In reality, I'm terrified of tears, because tears to me mean heartbreak and emotional pain. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared of admitting I'm broken. 

I denied it for a long time, but I'm in pieces. And I can't move on. I can't move from this place of frustration, heart ache, stress, just being miserable. I haven't been taking care of myself, I haven't been exercising, I've barely gotten up from my lap top in two weeks. I'm just not healthy inside or out. 

I've just been holding all of this in. I literally can't talk to anyone about this. I have no one to confide in. I'm sitting here realizing, that I care so much about the world and the people in it, that I never care about myself.

"I have been dealing with versions of you my whole life and I'm going to tell you something that I should have told myself a long time ago. Sometimes it's about me, OK? Not all the time but every once in a while it's my time." -Anne Hathaway; Bride Wars

I have a passion for people, and sometimes I forget it's okay to care about myself. I need time to heal. Time to let God undo the mess I've made. Right now, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just confused, and at a point where there is no other choice but to give everything up to Him. That's what I should have done all along.

Peace out Girl Scout

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"Stay on your feet for me."

"I gave a solid attempt at keeping you in the light," he said.


Secret No. 11: I'm giving a solid attempt at keeping you with me.

Just Get Over it Already Tansy

So Winter Formal is coming up. You don't have a date. I don't have a date, and it's extremely awkward when one of your friends tells me to ask you... EXTREMELY. I get frozen, and I don't know what to say... It's BAD.

Its also BAD, when ever your name comes up in conversations with my best friend she immediately says "your prom date?" 

Are we that perfect for each other, but we don't see it? I hope not. Because honestly. I really just want to get over you.


Peace out Girl Scout.
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"It's enough to make you go Crazy"

Secret No. 10: So maybe being friends is harder than I thought it would be.

"Caught in a Nightmare and can't Wake up."

Secret No. 9: I never take my own advice, and that's kind of bad.

"It takes two, it's up to me and you."

Secret No. 8: I love it when you ride in my car :)

Sometimes, I wish I could be lazy.

So ever scince I was little, I've always been doing something. Something all the time, soccer, t-ball, dance, science club, church, piano lessons, or art class. I've always been working always been going always busy, and it keeps going now. I've got so much too do, so many commitments. I just wish somethings could be easier.

Why is stress the thing overwhelming my life! I'm the kind of person that doesn't do things half-heartedly, so if I have a 208923472389427394283942738 million things to do. I'll do them to the best of my abilities.

Like my relationship with Wren. I'm pretty sure he likes me again, but can't it just be easy as him asking me to do something. No. It can't, and honestly, I think relationships should take some work, but I'm tired of working, and I'm not going into this half heartedly.

I'm about to crash I've been working so much... and honestly I don't think I want a relationship now, because a relationship will take work, and its not like it would last. And I don't want heartbreak to slide into the picture.

This has just been rambling. I'm sorry, but I just need to vent.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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"The moon and the sun we all come undone"

Secret No. 7: Reality sucks, I'll just go back to daydreaming now, because honestly its better then whats here now.

"I know that she knows that I'm not fond of asking"

Secret No. 6: I hate mixed signals.