Don't Call Me Humpty Dumpty Quite Yet

I'm lost. I'm scared. And I'm back in a bubble. I don't know what it is. I don't know what I'm feeling. I just plain out don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I don't know what is right anymore. I just feel fucked up.



Letting go. I've tried it. I've tried letting go of this, but I haven't tried letting go and letting God. This whole quarter has just been filled with stupid. Stupid crushes, stupid feelings, stupid actions, and honestly there is no one to blame but myself.



My life is twisted in knots and it's come to the point where I'm trying to undo it by pulling as hard as I can to get it undone, but all that happens is that I make it tighter. I realized tonight that I can't do it by myself. I can't really do it at all. 

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I will cry at most anything depressing. I'm a passionate person, what can I say. In reality, I'm terrified of tears, because tears to me mean heartbreak and emotional pain. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared of admitting I'm broken. 

I denied it for a long time, but I'm in pieces. And I can't move on. I can't move from this place of frustration, heart ache, stress, just being miserable. I haven't been taking care of myself, I haven't been exercising, I've barely gotten up from my lap top in two weeks. I'm just not healthy inside or out. 

I've just been holding all of this in. I literally can't talk to anyone about this. I have no one to confide in. I'm sitting here realizing, that I care so much about the world and the people in it, that I never care about myself.

"I have been dealing with versions of you my whole life and I'm going to tell you something that I should have told myself a long time ago. Sometimes it's about me, OK? Not all the time but every once in a while it's my time." -Anne Hathaway; Bride Wars

I have a passion for people, and sometimes I forget it's okay to care about myself. I need time to heal. Time to let God undo the mess I've made. Right now, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just confused, and at a point where there is no other choice but to give everything up to Him. That's what I should have done all along.

Peace out Girl Scout

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Less is More

"Fear less, hope more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more, and good things will be yours" -Swedish Proverb.

So, I came across this, and my heart smiled, because it really applies to my life right now. 

"Fear less, hope more." Lately I've been in a ball of fear. I can't move. Its like I'm afraid, everything I do is wrong, and I'm paralyzed. I'm paralyzed with fear before I act on anything. Maybe, I just need to let hope fill my life, and let my actions be from my heart, not paralyzed by my brain.

"Whine less, breathe more." I complain. A lot. Quotes from me about every other day. "I'm cold." "There are too many stairs" "I don't want to go" "My computer won't work." "I don't want to take a test." It's pathetic because there are kids out there and people who have it far worse than me. I just need to breathe through what I think is bad.

"Talk less, say more." If you ask anyone of my friends, they would tell you I talk 100% of the time and you can only understand me less than 50%. Maybe, I just need to listen for once, and think about what I say before I say it..

"Hate less, love more." I know you may not think this but I'm a hateful person. I make on the spot judgments about people that I don't even know. Its like I look at a person and immediately find the worse thing I can about them. Maybe instead of finding the bad. I'll find the good.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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To Be Thankful

Maybe everyday should be Thanksgiving day, because in reality, we should be thankful for so much.

I have a bed to sleep in, food to eat, clothes to put on my back, friends that make me laugh until I cry, family like no other, and what do I always do? complain. I promise you I complain more than anyone else on the planet, but honestly I have nothing to complain about.

There are seriously kids in Africa who have been TAKEN from their homes, forced to KILL their parents, taught how to VIOLENTLY MURDER their peers, and are exposed to DEATH more than I will ever have seen. Yet, I still complain.

Those kids, those sweet Ugandan kids, are honestly more thankful than I am. They're thankful for their single blanket, their sip of water, their shack, their brothers and sisters that aren't dead. 

Yet I'm not thankful for my laptop, my computer, my freewill, and I need to fix this. Now. As I sat around talking with my family at thanksgiving lunch, about nothing real important, I realized, I've got it pretty good. No more complaining, no more whining, no more "I want this, I want that," but more "wow, I'm glad I have this, and man I'm sure lucky,"


Happy Thanksgiving
xoxo
Tansy
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Brief is Life, but Love is Long.

So, as I was cleaning my room today I discovered a small journal I used to keep from seventh to eighth grade. Well this journal was full of stupid stuff about a crush I had on this ONE guy for that long. I was a stalker. It was scary.

Anyway, this guy was all I used to think about, and as I read this stupid girls version of what she felt for this guy, I realized, 1. I was a creep and 2. I had better things in my life to worry about than guys. As I came to the last page in this journal I read a entry that I had written my Freshman year, It seems forever ago, I don't even remember writing it. This is what it said.

"So yeah its almost been a year since I wrote in this stupid thing..... I've learned somethings since seventh grade (mostly from God). I shouldn't seek love. I should stumble upon it."

I then go on to talk about a previous boyfriend and say "I didn't go into this relationship head over heels, but I didn't come out of it heart over head. The whole thing was a big awkward mess, but those little, but few sweet things that we shared stuck. It was awkward, so I tried to get out of it. I started a fight out of nothing and broke it off, and put it out of sight, out of mind."

Wow, I was a deep person then.

I then go on to finish the entry by saying.

"I really haven't stopped thinking 'did i do the right thing?".......  "Do I let it go knowing I might have missed out on something great?"

There was a big transition from that seventh grade girl obsessing over some guy she thought she knew, to this older, more self aware girl who knows that everything in life isn't about having a boy friend.

I look back at that journal, and my previous blog posts and realize, that seventh grade girl was there during the summer, and that mature ninth grade girl has made her way back into the picture. I understand now that God knows what is best for me, even when I think something else is better. I know now that God's love is all I need.

Just think, the creator of this glorious universe loves ME. Me of all people who sin and could care less about God during the week, but on Sunday act like He is the only one for me. And He is. He's the only one I could ever need, and I forget that sometimes. Not anymore, never again will I forget that.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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What if I don't know.

So I've decided I don't like where I'm at right now. You ask "Well where are you Tansy?" My reply? "I have no fucking idea where I am right now" Thats why I don't like it. I don't know where I am. Next year at this time I'm gone. Far away. Do I know where? Nope.

I don't know where I'm going to college. I don't know where I'm going to get the money to pay for it. I don't know if I can leave my mom by herself. I don't know who my friends are. I don't know if I even have any friends. I don't know if I even want to stay in this stupid town.

All I know is right now my life is a big WHAT IF? Those two words are the most hated words I could ever speak. What if I can't afford the college I want? What if I never find out where I'm supposed to be?

Adding to the What if to my life is the DON'T KNOW, but I have decided after the many conflicting voices in my head to let it go. Let go and let GOD. He's the only one who can sees the outcome of my life. So I'll give it to him to do what's right.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Someone Please Burst my Bubble.

Oh my dear bloggy poo poo. How I've missed you so. Its been so long since I've wrote a really heart felt post, and I miss that. I really and truly miss that I haven't been pouring my heart into this. I knew I would do this. Sooner or later. Leave my blog. Slowly stop posting.

Slowly stop going to this place where I get in this bubble and don't come out. Inside that bubble I stay. I don't come out. I keep all my secrets to myself. I don't tell anyone how I'm feeling, and I don't talk to God. I hate that bubble.

That was the bubble I was in before I started this blog. And I will not. EVER go back into that bubble. I won't let myself. I don't want to go back to that horrible horrible place. I can't.

As my tears stream down my face I realize that the only person who did this was me. I let myself shrivel down to nothingness. You say "Tansy didn't anyone notice". Nope, they didn't, because I'm a damn good actress. No one could have possibly known.

I was the picture of happiness to everyone around me. If they did notice, they didn't care enough to help. I realize this now. I may have had fun in that bubble, but now its slowly starting to pop. I don't care either. I'm ready to be rid of it.

I think this is why I'm so obsessed with falling in love, because when I find love. I won't be alone anymore. I can talk to someone about how I feel, and how they make me feel better. Thats why I want love.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Will you be my best friend?

The more I think about it I realize I'm not looking for love. I'm looking for a best friend. A best friend who will always be there for me. A best friend that will love me for who I am. A best friend that is good looking, but a best friend who I can always count on.

I love my best friends. I let them know that. This is a special love. A special connection. Thats really what love is. You never can give it away too much, but you can keep it to yourself which might not be a good thing. I want a best friend. I best friend that will kiss me in the pouring rain. A best friend that will take me places and show me off.

I want to end up marrying my best friend. I want every thing we do together to be fun, to be a memory. This makes me realize that to marry my best friend I have to let people into my life. I'm a very introverted person. I need to open up to more people. I tend to turn people away. If I keep doing that I'll live to be an old maid with 30 cats.

I want someone to sweep me off my feet, but I want to know this person too. I don't want some random prince charming. I want someone I know. Someone I already care for. Someone who has been through it all with me. Someone who knows myself better than I do. That will be my best friend. Thats the person who I'll fall deeply and madly in love with.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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I heart ME

I love my blog. I truly do. I tailor it and brain storm sometimes even. I pour my heart and soul into this thing. So essentially, this blog is me. So Saying I love my blog, really means I love myself. So yeah. I'm concieted and I love myself.

I hate myself sometimes too, which means I hate this blog sometimes. It shows me at my weakest hardest moments in my life. I think its good though. I think its good for me to really remember these times. So I can learn from these experiences. Wow. I honestly didn't think I would even keep this up. I'm really proud of myself. I'm just feeling so happy with myself and who I'm becoming. Excitement :)

Peace out Girl Scout

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Journal Fail, but Life A++

So I hate this journal thing. I fail at journaling. I can't do it. Nope. I hate my handwriting/doodling ablitites. So thats something I'm not good at. Which is closer than I was before to "finding myself". Progress, Progress my dance coach would say.

I think failing and passing is a part of life. You win some and you loose some. Its a part of life. Its a rising and a falling of the tides, but each time the tide rises and falls new sea shells and treasures are unhidden. The tides are controlled by the moon. A sort of higher energy.

My passes and fails are controlled by God, but shaped by my own free will. Life is about experiences, ultimately. Looking at life as it comes at you. Taking the good with the bad and learning to get on with life.

I just sort of had an "ah-ha" moment. I love those little thoughts when you realize its not about me. It was never about me. I love this. Seriously. I'm like pure mind bliss.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Open up your eyes

I think it's time for a more serious post, something that I think will help me define myself instead of talking about stupid boys. Well I think I've already ruined it by giving it this introduction. Really. I've butchered it. Well I'll go ahead and start before I start digging my self deeper.

I could never be blind. Never, in a million years would I ever be able to say okay, I don't have to see anymore. All of the things, faces, art, nature I haven't seen yet. All of these experiences I don't think would be complete with out the gift sight. I don't know if I could handle not seeing color any more. Not being able to look up at the clouds and daydream forever.

I admire Hellen Keller. To the deepest ends. She overcame so much, but she still wasn't able to fully experience the world like I have. I wonder if she knew what she was missing, yet with eyes that see, come tears that hurt. The world isn't always a happy place. Though people might like to turn a blind eye to poverty and desperation. It's still there. No matter how hard we try to look away.

Would the world be a different place if we were all blind. There would be no judgement. No discrimination. Would that be a better world, or just a blind world? No art. Not knowing about the problems the rest of the world has? Would that be better?

Believing isn't seeing, but seeing is believing. Once you see something you'll never forget how it made you feel. Ever. A piece of art. A favorite blanket. A favorite color. God gave us sight for a reason, yet he chose not to give it to others for a different reason. He chose to let us see each for separate reasons. Only he knows the full reason. We only get to "see" bits and pieces of why.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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I might as well be the cowardly lion.

So today is one of those days where one post isn't enough. While looking for pictures for one of my posts i stumbled upon a Madonna quote. "To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt."

By Gosh. Madonna has done it again.

So I have as much courage as courage the cowardly dog .I'm not brave. Nope. Never have been. But I do love someone unconditionally. Not expecting anything in return, but I can't tell them that. I can't leave myself out in the open. Busting out of my shell now is not an option. No way no how. Maybe End of senior year I'll tell him. Okay so Next may you guys have to make sure I tell ...who shall I call him...Wren*.

You are here by demanded to force me to tell him. Tell him what though? That I think of you every night. I wish you were here with me. I think you are the coolest most awesome person in the whole wide world? Would it change anything? Would me telling him I love him make a difference? Do I love him? URG!

I guess the point is, I'm not telling him anything anytime soon. Or well I might. Because the longer I like him the sooner my big mouth opens and I tell the whole world. I don't tell people who I like. I've gotten stabbed in the back one too many times to open up to anyone, but the longer I hold it in. The louder it sounds when it finally comes out.

Peace out Girl Scout

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*name has been changed.

Bad Romance.

So you know that one person. You know who I'm talking about. It maybe your best friend or the person you have never even talked to. Yeah. That one. The one you swear you are going to make them fall deep and madly in love with you, but it never gets farther than that. Or it might.

You like them for like since October and its the middle of June and you haven't gotten anywhere closer than you were before. I know what you mean. Its like you sit there waiting for him to call you and say hey i like you lets go do something awesome, but you know deep deep down that its not going to happen.

Why can't it be as easy as hey I like you. Okay I like you too. No. It has to get complicated. You have to talk and then you have to hang out and then you have to have the "are we boyfriend girlfriend" talk. Why can't it be as simple as that. UGH! You lay in bed and night thinking about it and you know its never going to be, but you keep hoping that it will be something more. You'll be more than a friend to them.

However on the other hand you get super MAD mainly at yourself for not doing anything about it. Maybe I'm to young for this. Maybe high school shouldn't be about having relationships, but you see how almost everyone's pared up. And What about prom? I mean, you should go with someone you care about. I look like a loser when I go by myself. Oh well. I'll just keep hoping, but hoping never got anyone anywhere.

Doesn't building a relationship take some form of communication? And to communicate you actually have to have something to talk about, and what if that person gets tired talking about the same thing. How do you move one from talking about just that one subject?

Why does it have to be so HARD? I liked it better in Kindergarten where you could just chase each other around the playground. Times where simpler then. Oh well for the time being I'm going to make a plan of attack persay.

Peace out Girl Scout.