Hey. So you're probably like, "Who are you again?" It's me, Tansy. Or at least I think it is. Shit's happened. I became something I never thought I would be. I did something that I regret, and that doesn't happen often.
I thought I could hang around the wrong crowd and not get sucked in, I thought I was strong enough that I could resist temptation. I was wrong. I didn't do anything illegal. I didn't do anything too terribly bad. I went against my morals.
So I've been hanging around this group of guys who, don't always make the best decisions. I was sucked in by charm. Long story short. They convinced me to sneak out at 2 am. I got caught.
Was I mad that I was grounded for 2 weeks? No. I was mad that after all my protesting, Wren said, "Do I have to make the decision for you?" I said yes, and he said, "We're coming to get you."
I'm still pissed that I did it. I'm pissed that I've turned into this person who cusses and my excuse for hanging out with them was "Maybe if I hang out with them, I might be a good influence. God wants me to do this."
They know I don't like drugs and alcohol, so they didn't do that when I was with them, (well once, but I didn't know they were high at the time). I thought I was changing them, but they were changing me. I was trying so hard to impress them, that I changed.
Now. I'm just through. I've spent the last month alone. I never go out of my house. No one invites me to things. Just alone, and that sucks, and it makes me want to cry. I don't tell anyone anything. I'm pissed and hurt and scared and alone and no one cares.
No one asks how I am. I act okay at school. I laugh. I smile. I fake. My grades are dropping. I'm sinking into this place that's awful. And it just feels so good to write this. To get everything out of my system.
xo.
i missed you.
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Y'all should definitely check out my guest blog post on The Musings of a Wannabe Star by Jessi Haish. It's an open letter to "haters", and its something different than I've done before. I really surprised myself. I think its just because of all this drama that's been happening, and I think I've just gotten over it. I'm ready to move on and have an awesome senior year, and I don't want friend drama right now.
I don't know if Top Ten Thursday's going to happen, I've got a big paper due on Friday that I haven't even started yet so.... Top Ten Thursday is canceled... :(
Peace out Girl Scout.
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So maybe I've been going about this the wrong way. Maybe I need to look at this from another perspective. Maybe what I'm doing in my point of view isn't the real thing that I'm doing. Does that make sense.
I think I need to take a step back, and look at things in an unbiased opinion and decide that I'm not the victim here. Maybe I'm initiating the problem. Maybe I'm missing something.
So I don't feel like explaining this whole sit-iation, but for the most part I'm in a fight with my friends. I hope you could get that much. It seems really stupid and I think I'm over it, but I think I might have caused some of it. I don't know. I'm just very confuzeled.
Peace out Girl Scout.
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I just get so frustrated at my "friends" that I don't want to do anything but punch a wall or something. and I just couldn't get past that wall of crap and i finally just breathed, stepped back and asked myself, is it worth my time and effort to fight this fight. And apparently I thought I needed to and where did it get me? No where. No one ever listens to me and I just can't deal with this anymore. I just really can't. Sometimes I just want to scream through the top of my lungs "F you", but I can't. I just can't. I can't. I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't.
I just can't wait until college. New friends, new life, New everything. Most of the time I'm terrified of change, but now, I need it. I need to rid myself of these poison people and this poison thats ruining my life. I'm done with it.
x
I'm officially a loser. I made such a big deal, gave myself a head ache, then its over with because the other person "doesn't want to talk about it anymore". And what did I do, Say okay. Yup. Because I was trying to get over it. Not deal with it, and after I realize nothing is better still. I still have no one to talk to because the person I did talk to hardly talked to me back. Sigh. I hate drama. It's summer for crying out loud. I didn't have this much drama during the school year. Stupid. 
Sad thing is the person I told, Wren, didn't even give me the time of day. Well he sent two text messages. Neither really helping me. I'm afraid I might have said something too honest. Ah. The price I pay for honesty. Is it always that high. Is it even worth it. Now he won't talk to me unless I talk to him about one thing. Like always. sigh.. What is it that even makes me like him, if I can't talk to him. He's not worth it then, but why do I keep hoping to see his name pop up on my phone? Ah! I hate him, I hate liking him. Ugh. Why?!
Peace out Girl Scout.
