Release.

Hey. So you're probably like, "Who are you again?" It's me, Tansy. Or at least I think it is. Shit's happened. I became something I never thought I would be. I did something that I regret, and that doesn't happen often. 

I thought I could hang around the wrong crowd and not get sucked in, I thought I was strong enough that I could resist temptation. I was wrong. I didn't do anything illegal. I didn't do anything too terribly bad. I went against my morals. 

So I've been hanging around this group of guys who, don't always make the best decisions. I was sucked in by charm. Long story short. They convinced me to sneak out at 2 am. I got caught. 

Was I mad that I was grounded for 2 weeks? No. I was mad that after all my protesting, Wren said, "Do I have to make the decision for you?" I said yes, and he said, "We're coming to get you." 

I'm still pissed that I did it. I'm pissed that I've turned into this person who cusses and my excuse for hanging out with them was "Maybe if I hang out with them, I might be a good influence. God wants me to do this." 

They know I don't like drugs and alcohol, so they didn't do that when I was with them, (well once, but I didn't know they were high at the time). I thought I was changing them, but they were changing me. I was trying so hard to impress them, that I changed. 

Now. I'm just through. I've spent the last month alone. I never go out of my house. No one invites me to things. Just alone, and that sucks, and it makes me want to cry. I don't tell anyone anything. I'm pissed and hurt and scared and alone and no one cares.

No one asks how I am. I act okay at school. I laugh. I smile. I fake. My grades are dropping. I'm sinking into this place that's awful. And it just feels so good to write this. To get everything out of my system.


xo.
i missed you.
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Don't Call Me Humpty Dumpty Quite Yet

I'm lost. I'm scared. And I'm back in a bubble. I don't know what it is. I don't know what I'm feeling. I just plain out don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I don't know what is right anymore. I just feel fucked up.



Letting go. I've tried it. I've tried letting go of this, but I haven't tried letting go and letting God. This whole quarter has just been filled with stupid. Stupid crushes, stupid feelings, stupid actions, and honestly there is no one to blame but myself.



My life is twisted in knots and it's come to the point where I'm trying to undo it by pulling as hard as I can to get it undone, but all that happens is that I make it tighter. I realized tonight that I can't do it by myself. I can't really do it at all. 

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I will cry at most anything depressing. I'm a passionate person, what can I say. In reality, I'm terrified of tears, because tears to me mean heartbreak and emotional pain. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared of admitting I'm broken. 

I denied it for a long time, but I'm in pieces. And I can't move on. I can't move from this place of frustration, heart ache, stress, just being miserable. I haven't been taking care of myself, I haven't been exercising, I've barely gotten up from my lap top in two weeks. I'm just not healthy inside or out. 

I've just been holding all of this in. I literally can't talk to anyone about this. I have no one to confide in. I'm sitting here realizing, that I care so much about the world and the people in it, that I never care about myself.

"I have been dealing with versions of you my whole life and I'm going to tell you something that I should have told myself a long time ago. Sometimes it's about me, OK? Not all the time but every once in a while it's my time." -Anne Hathaway; Bride Wars

I have a passion for people, and sometimes I forget it's okay to care about myself. I need time to heal. Time to let God undo the mess I've made. Right now, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just confused, and at a point where there is no other choice but to give everything up to Him. That's what I should have done all along.

Peace out Girl Scout

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Slipping Back to Reality.

It was nice to visit blog. I'll miss you when I'm gone again. School starts in 10 hours, and I'm dreading it. Tonight can't be another sleepless night sorting out my thoughts. 

Its time to go back to tests, school, and teachers, and pressure to make all A's. It's time to go back to drama, and crap, and honestly I'm not ready. This break has done wonders for my mental health, granted it has driven me a little insane, but what's life with out a little insanity?

It's time to go back to crappy food at 12 each day, time to go back to calculus and other crap... I just wish it would be time to go back to love, because honestly. I'd go back for love, but now I'm convinced there's no such thing. 

I have to go back though.. and it sucks.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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Maybe. Just Maybe I'm the one with the problem.

So maybe I've been going about this the wrong way. Maybe I need to look at this from another perspective. Maybe what I'm doing in my point of view isn't the real thing that I'm doing. Does that make sense.

 I think I need to take a step back, and look at things in an unbiased opinion and decide that I'm not the victim here. Maybe I'm initiating the problem. Maybe I'm missing something. 

So I don't feel like explaining this whole sit-iation, but for the most part I'm in a fight with my friends. I hope you could get that much. It seems really stupid and I think I'm over it, but I think I might have caused some of it. I don't know. I'm just very confuzeled. 


Peace out Girl Scout.
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Going Dark; Update 1

So as for going dark. I have. Well not completely. Since I've made this blog I haven't been using my normal email. And have created multiple social network accounts just for that email and for blogging purposes. I gave my phone to my loving mother to keep safe and hidden at her work. Yup. No contact from friends. They'll probably hate me by the end of the summer. If they really want to see me they can come by work.

As for what I do durring the day I embrace family. Me and my little sister have been having bunches of fun together when I'm not working at RT's. I really want to start getting into art some more. I dabble in pretty much everything and can't make up my mind.

So one of the purposes of this blog is to find out what I'm good at. I want to be a creative spirit. As selfish as this seems I want this summer to be about me. I don't want to surround myself with going to parties, getting invited to long weekend trips. I want to relax and enjoy MY summer. Its no one else's.

Peace out Girl Scout

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Going Dark.

I'm done. I'm finnished. I'm through with people. I know its awful, but its true. I need to completely sever myself from the situation, so... I'm going dark. Yup. No electronics the rest of the summer. Only exceptions are this blog, my email(for my work schedules), and my ipod. Its the only way I be at peace. No facebook, no myspace, no twitter, no cell phone(except when I'm driving I'll take that for my parents, so change of plans)no TEXTing. I think my life be much more at ease with out the interruptions of other peoples lifes. I've already logged out of twitter myspace and facebook, and I have turned off my cellphone. I'm done. Through. I'm now devoting all my time to God.

Peace out Girl Scout.