Release.

Hey. So you're probably like, "Who are you again?" It's me, Tansy. Or at least I think it is. Shit's happened. I became something I never thought I would be. I did something that I regret, and that doesn't happen often. 

I thought I could hang around the wrong crowd and not get sucked in, I thought I was strong enough that I could resist temptation. I was wrong. I didn't do anything illegal. I didn't do anything too terribly bad. I went against my morals. 

So I've been hanging around this group of guys who, don't always make the best decisions. I was sucked in by charm. Long story short. They convinced me to sneak out at 2 am. I got caught. 

Was I mad that I was grounded for 2 weeks? No. I was mad that after all my protesting, Wren said, "Do I have to make the decision for you?" I said yes, and he said, "We're coming to get you." 

I'm still pissed that I did it. I'm pissed that I've turned into this person who cusses and my excuse for hanging out with them was "Maybe if I hang out with them, I might be a good influence. God wants me to do this." 

They know I don't like drugs and alcohol, so they didn't do that when I was with them, (well once, but I didn't know they were high at the time). I thought I was changing them, but they were changing me. I was trying so hard to impress them, that I changed. 

Now. I'm just through. I've spent the last month alone. I never go out of my house. No one invites me to things. Just alone, and that sucks, and it makes me want to cry. I don't tell anyone anything. I'm pissed and hurt and scared and alone and no one cares.

No one asks how I am. I act okay at school. I laugh. I smile. I fake. My grades are dropping. I'm sinking into this place that's awful. And it just feels so good to write this. To get everything out of my system.


xo.
i missed you.
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Don't Call Me Humpty Dumpty Quite Yet

I'm lost. I'm scared. And I'm back in a bubble. I don't know what it is. I don't know what I'm feeling. I just plain out don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I don't know what is right anymore. I just feel fucked up.



Letting go. I've tried it. I've tried letting go of this, but I haven't tried letting go and letting God. This whole quarter has just been filled with stupid. Stupid crushes, stupid feelings, stupid actions, and honestly there is no one to blame but myself.



My life is twisted in knots and it's come to the point where I'm trying to undo it by pulling as hard as I can to get it undone, but all that happens is that I make it tighter. I realized tonight that I can't do it by myself. I can't really do it at all. 

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I will cry at most anything depressing. I'm a passionate person, what can I say. In reality, I'm terrified of tears, because tears to me mean heartbreak and emotional pain. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared of admitting I'm broken. 

I denied it for a long time, but I'm in pieces. And I can't move on. I can't move from this place of frustration, heart ache, stress, just being miserable. I haven't been taking care of myself, I haven't been exercising, I've barely gotten up from my lap top in two weeks. I'm just not healthy inside or out. 

I've just been holding all of this in. I literally can't talk to anyone about this. I have no one to confide in. I'm sitting here realizing, that I care so much about the world and the people in it, that I never care about myself.

"I have been dealing with versions of you my whole life and I'm going to tell you something that I should have told myself a long time ago. Sometimes it's about me, OK? Not all the time but every once in a while it's my time." -Anne Hathaway; Bride Wars

I have a passion for people, and sometimes I forget it's okay to care about myself. I need time to heal. Time to let God undo the mess I've made. Right now, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just confused, and at a point where there is no other choice but to give everything up to Him. That's what I should have done all along.

Peace out Girl Scout

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I Used to be Love Drunk, but Now I'm Hungover.

I'm just completely confused. I don't want to think him about him all day, but I do anyway. I know I shouldn't think about him all the time, but I do anyway..

I hate being this person who constantly thinks of him. It's pathetic, and that's all there is to it. I should really just move one, but deep down I know that's not going to happen. And that sucks.

And it's not like he hates me or doesn't want to be around me, because I'm pretty sure he just maybe likes me too, but it's not going anywhere, and I'm being an obsessive freak, and I HATE IT.


Peace Out Girl Scout
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Sometimes, I wish I could be lazy.

So ever scince I was little, I've always been doing something. Something all the time, soccer, t-ball, dance, science club, church, piano lessons, or art class. I've always been working always been going always busy, and it keeps going now. I've got so much too do, so many commitments. I just wish somethings could be easier.

Why is stress the thing overwhelming my life! I'm the kind of person that doesn't do things half-heartedly, so if I have a 208923472389427394283942738 million things to do. I'll do them to the best of my abilities.

Like my relationship with Wren. I'm pretty sure he likes me again, but can't it just be easy as him asking me to do something. No. It can't, and honestly, I think relationships should take some work, but I'm tired of working, and I'm not going into this half heartedly.

I'm about to crash I've been working so much... and honestly I don't think I want a relationship now, because a relationship will take work, and its not like it would last. And I don't want heartbreak to slide into the picture.

This has just been rambling. I'm sorry, but I just need to vent.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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Slipping Back to Reality.

It was nice to visit blog. I'll miss you when I'm gone again. School starts in 10 hours, and I'm dreading it. Tonight can't be another sleepless night sorting out my thoughts. 

Its time to go back to tests, school, and teachers, and pressure to make all A's. It's time to go back to drama, and crap, and honestly I'm not ready. This break has done wonders for my mental health, granted it has driven me a little insane, but what's life with out a little insanity?

It's time to go back to crappy food at 12 each day, time to go back to calculus and other crap... I just wish it would be time to go back to love, because honestly. I'd go back for love, but now I'm convinced there's no such thing. 

I have to go back though.. and it sucks.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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Too much, too soon.

So I'd really just like to apologize for my Headfirst into Heartbreak post. The emotions were real, the writing was BAD. It's just I miss my bloggy poo poo. This break has allowed me to blog again, and I'm really glad for it.  

It's the fact that I don't have time to blog when I really need to that frustrates me. My head's spinning, this year is flying by and frankly I don't like it. It really just needs to slow down. 


Peace out Girl Scout.
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Drama Mama & My First Guest Post :)

Y'all should definitely check out my guest blog post on The Musings of a Wannabe Star by Jessi Haish. It's an open letter to "haters", and its something different than I've done before. I really surprised myself. I think its just because of all this drama that's been happening, and I think I've just gotten over it. I'm ready to move on and have an awesome senior year, and I don't want friend drama right now. 

I don't know if Top Ten Thursday's going to happen, I've got a big paper due on Friday that I haven't even started yet so.... Top Ten Thursday is canceled... :(


Peace out Girl Scout.
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Maybe. Just Maybe I'm the one with the problem.

So maybe I've been going about this the wrong way. Maybe I need to look at this from another perspective. Maybe what I'm doing in my point of view isn't the real thing that I'm doing. Does that make sense.

 I think I need to take a step back, and look at things in an unbiased opinion and decide that I'm not the victim here. Maybe I'm initiating the problem. Maybe I'm missing something. 

So I don't feel like explaining this whole sit-iation, but for the most part I'm in a fight with my friends. I hope you could get that much. It seems really stupid and I think I'm over it, but I think I might have caused some of it. I don't know. I'm just very confuzeled. 


Peace out Girl Scout.
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I just get so frustrated at my "friends" that I don't want to do anything but punch a wall or something. and I just couldn't get past that wall of crap and i finally just breathed, stepped back and asked myself, is it worth my time and effort to fight this fight. And apparently I thought I needed to and where did it get me? No where. No one ever listens to me and I just can't deal with this anymore. I just really can't. Sometimes I just want to scream through the top of my lungs "F you", but I can't. I just can't. I can't. I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't. 


I just can't wait until college. New friends, new life, New everything. Most of the time I'm terrified of change, but now, I need it. I need to rid myself of these poison people and this poison thats ruining my life. I'm done with it.


x

I hate people.

UGHHH! So have you ever tried to tell someone a piece of information, then they blow up on you, well that just happened to me. I keep trying to tell my friend I can't do a study group during the week and it would be better for me to do it on the weekend, but they decided to go completely bonkers and tell me that i'm stupid and crap. I just told them that it would be easier to do it on the weekend or later on the week day, but no. They decide that I just can't be trusted and I'm a bad person. Ah. 


x.

What if I don't know.

So I've decided I don't like where I'm at right now. You ask "Well where are you Tansy?" My reply? "I have no fucking idea where I am right now" Thats why I don't like it. I don't know where I am. Next year at this time I'm gone. Far away. Do I know where? Nope.

I don't know where I'm going to college. I don't know where I'm going to get the money to pay for it. I don't know if I can leave my mom by herself. I don't know who my friends are. I don't know if I even have any friends. I don't know if I even want to stay in this stupid town.

All I know is right now my life is a big WHAT IF? Those two words are the most hated words I could ever speak. What if I can't afford the college I want? What if I never find out where I'm supposed to be?

Adding to the What if to my life is the DON'T KNOW, but I have decided after the many conflicting voices in my head to let it go. Let go and let GOD. He's the only one who can sees the outcome of my life. So I'll give it to him to do what's right.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Half way there.

So June's over basically. Did I spend it how I wanted to? Did I spend it how God wanted me to? Summer's half way over and there's so much more I want to do. AH! My summer's moving by too quickly!

I'll be a senior this year.. GASP! Scary thought. I've got so many choices to make! I just want this to slow down!

Chocolate and Blogging, Good for the soul.

So as I poor my heart out into the internet and eat a bowl of chocolate ice cream, I realize that it helps my confusion and frustration disappear. It removes outside distractions and problems, and I can just... write. I can focus and actually solve my problems rather than just lying there thinking.

The million things rushing about my head slowly stop spinning and start to make sense instead of giving me a head ache, but today it was so bad that I literally had to mentally collect myself before I even started writing. Why can I open myself up to everyone in the world, but I can't open it up to the people in my life I care about?

Why am I more willing to trust strangers than my best friends? Have my relationships turned that bad that I can't trust anyone? At least my headache is clearing up. That shows that blogging (or maybe it was the chocolate ice cream) does help.

Yet when I go back to the world, the REAL world. It just pushes me to the point of tears. Tears freely falling at this point. Why is it so hard? Why does the world insist on pushing against me? This is what I'm supposed to be doing right? Right?! I just don't understand.

I need an escape. An escape from all this shit(I've alloted 5 cuss words for this blog, because I really don't like doing it, but sometimes I can't help it.) that's happening. I need a break from this lonliness thats consumed me for far too long.

...

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Breathe.

I shouldn't have to put up with this. I shouldn't have to force myself to be around my "friends". Why are they all jerks?! I would really like to know. Its like you joke about "hating" me, but are you really joking? The way you treat me is intolerable. I can't deal with this any more. It is just adding unnecessary stress to my already stressful life. You really need to chill out and realize the whole world doesn't worship at your feet. You are NOT God. He is the only one I will ever bow to. No matter how many times you make fun of that.

UGH! Sorry You does not refer to you reading this. I'm ranting, psychotically. So my best friends are jerks to me. Like I've known this forever, but it's finally really hit me. I've realized that they aren't my friends, no matter what they tell me. Its giving me an awful stress headache and I'm writing this with my eyes closed. I'm just too flustered to do anything! UAH! I'm trying to do a good thing, but they're road blocking me. Not letting me do what I need to do. This has gone way to far. Its done. I'm about to go all ninja on their butts. But maybe its time for me to let go, and let God. That's always the best option right?

God, Please give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

So I can't change the way they act, but I can change the way I react towards their actions.

I think this blog is more of my personal therapist more than anything else. Writing makes it easier to sort through the mess I call my brain.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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