It was really nice to meet you, goodbye.

I don't like leaving. I don't like it. Not one bit. I hate that my friends are going to be scattered across the south, I hate that I never had with him what I wish I did. I hate becoming super close to someone this year, then leaving now. I hate graduation, I hate finding out other people are leaving. I can't stand hearing, "this is the last." 

I know I'm in denial. I scream and close my ears when anyone says something about leaving or graduation or college. I can't help it. I've known this place for all my life, I've known these people forever. How can I let them go?

I know that it's pretty ridiculous of me to say, that I have to let them go, because they're going whether I like it or not. I just hope they know how thankful I am to have them in my life. How grateful I truly am to have known them and to laugh, and cry, and sing, and dance, and explore, and create, and experience, with them. 

Maybe our stories don't end here, but it sure feels like it. I hope it doesn't, but if it has to I hope that every moment we spent all together will not be forgotten. I know it will be, and that's okay, what I really want all of us to remember is how much fun we had, and how we were each other's strong holds; that we were there for each other. 

This is my last blog post. It seems appropriate. I'm leaving high school behind, I want to leave the girl who all she cared about was whether she needed a boyfriend or not behind. I'll still pop in, look at my posts, reflect about who I was and who I was becoming. 

I guess you could say I found myself. It wasn't what I expected. I didn't find out what I wanted to be in life, I didn't find my social circle, but I found my potential. I learned I have something inside of me that's great. I learned that life isn't just what I see from my viewfinder. It's that I have to take away that blue plastic toy and learn that there is a whole world out there ready for me to experience.

I want to thank everyone who reads this. Who has supported me with kind words, who's put up with my mindless rants. I truly appreciate you. You've made an impact on my life, and I hope I've impacted yours too. 


Much much love,
Tansy.

2011. You came too soon.

Everyone around me including most bloggers have been talking about what they want in 2011. Goals, dreams, etc. I don't know. All I do know is.

I want to be happy in 2011.


Peace Out Girl Scout.

Too much, too soon.

So I'd really just like to apologize for my Headfirst into Heartbreak post. The emotions were real, the writing was BAD. It's just I miss my bloggy poo poo. This break has allowed me to blog again, and I'm really glad for it.  

It's the fact that I don't have time to blog when I really need to that frustrates me. My head's spinning, this year is flying by and frankly I don't like it. It really just needs to slow down. 


Peace out Girl Scout.
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ME > YOU.

So the Sad new is, Letters to the Future as well as Top Ten Thursdays are canceled. This blog is for ME. Not YOU, and those things were for YOU not ME. Yeah, I'm self absorbed, because sometimes it is about Me, not often but sometimes it is and this blog is really for me. 

For me and me only, if you're reading this it means that A.)  you find yourself to be in the same can of worms as myself, B.) You like the pretty pictures I post, or C.) you sincerely care for my well being. And all of those reasons are GRAND, but this blog isn't for YOU its for ME. 

And I'm okay with that. This blog is supposed to help me find out who I am as an individual, and I LOVE that you read my blog, I truly truly do, but if you didn't read it I wouldn't be upset. I really love having blogger friends and followers, but right now I just need to focus on ME not trying to please the whole internet.

Adiós

Peace Out Girl Scout.
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Future Letters.

So exciting news guys! Tomorrow I'm going to start a brand new segment type thing on The Secret Life of Me(I'm pretty sure thats the first time I've called my blog by its name). Anyway, its called "Letters to the Future". I'm pretty pumped about it.

I'm going to be writing letters to various people, things, places, ect, in different times of the future. I'm pretty excited I'm going to try to do it every other Tuesday. Maybe. Quite possibly. Hopefully. I'm actually supposed to be doing my AP Calc. homework right now, but oh well. This seems more important.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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There's no place like home.

So these thoughts might be running through your head right now if you just read my last two posts.

-"Is this girl crazy"

-"Is this girl bipolar"

-"Is this girl on her period"

Only one of these answers would be correct. Well I guess two. Most of you are going to be able to guess which two they are, but in reality I think since the first blog post I've just been so happy I'm actually back. Like for realz. Its past midnight and I'm blogging. I love this me. So I'd like to say Welcome back me. You're home.

Peace out Girl Scout.

Just Dance.

I have had what you might call a blogging FAIL. The last time I really posted was in like 18 days ago. I feel stupid. I love blogging. It keeps my head on straight. When I blog I feel energized and excited and just plain happy. I need some happy in my life. I will never again go more than a week with out blogging. Granted it will probably be only once a week when school starts back, but I will, nay must blog.

Blogging clears my mind of everything. Its my creative outlet. Well this and dance. I love to dance:) Some people run, swim, eat, drink, smoke, or even sleep(what i've been doing(sad face)) to clear their mind. Me, I blog, and dance. Mostly dance.

Dancing is my outward expression of happiness:), but I don't only dance when I'm happy. I dance when:

I'm bored

I'm sick

I'm silly

I'm excited

Dancing just makes me feel good inside.

I blog when;

I'm sad

I'm lonely

I'm hurt

I'm angry.

I think I've found the two things I'm good at are the two things that I love to do the most.

and this brings me back to the purpose of this blog. To find myself. Or create myself. Before Taylor asked me to help her, I never even thought of blogging. Now I've realized that the simple idea of this blog, to find who I am, has helped me more than anything. I've found more of me than I ever could have before. Needless to say, I'm ecstatic.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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ooops Journal post dos

I was so busy giving myself a pity party I forgot to Journalblog. So the second post from Janel's blog(run with scissors) is supposed to be your favorite part of my day.

I already posted my favorite times of the day. In one of my earlier posts. But here's an updated list.

I like blogging:)

Playing with my cat:)

Spending time with my sis:)

And night time:)

the end:)

Peace out Girl Scout

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Someone Please Burst my Bubble.

Oh my dear bloggy poo poo. How I've missed you so. Its been so long since I've wrote a really heart felt post, and I miss that. I really and truly miss that I haven't been pouring my heart into this. I knew I would do this. Sooner or later. Leave my blog. Slowly stop posting.

Slowly stop going to this place where I get in this bubble and don't come out. Inside that bubble I stay. I don't come out. I keep all my secrets to myself. I don't tell anyone how I'm feeling, and I don't talk to God. I hate that bubble.

That was the bubble I was in before I started this blog. And I will not. EVER go back into that bubble. I won't let myself. I don't want to go back to that horrible horrible place. I can't.

As my tears stream down my face I realize that the only person who did this was me. I let myself shrivel down to nothingness. You say "Tansy didn't anyone notice". Nope, they didn't, because I'm a damn good actress. No one could have possibly known.

I was the picture of happiness to everyone around me. If they did notice, they didn't care enough to help. I realize this now. I may have had fun in that bubble, but now its slowly starting to pop. I don't care either. I'm ready to be rid of it.

I think this is why I'm so obsessed with falling in love, because when I find love. I won't be alone anymore. I can talk to someone about how I feel, and how they make me feel better. Thats why I want love.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Journal Post One

So with some pressure from my blogger friend V I'm starting over my journal challenge except I'm making it a BLOGGING CHALLENGE. So The first day you are supposed to create a page introducing yourself. Well here it goes.

My name is Tansy S. I live in the United States. I live with my mom and little sister, Bayla. God is the most important thing in my life. I need to learn to listen to his calling for me. I'll be a senior in high school this school year. I love my friends. I'm intent on learning more about myself and what God has planned for my life.

The End.

So... There you go. I've introduced myself. What about you?

Peace out Girl Scout.

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I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAck

Back from camp!! It was amazing! I met tons of awesome new people, and learned lots more about God and myself! Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to write any blog posts. So we'll start fresh tomorrow.

My blogger friend V has asked me to restart the Journaling challenge, but this time I'm just going to blog about the challenges. not journal them, because we all know how that turned out.... Well its good to be back!! I love you all!

Peace out Girl Scout

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I just can't hide it!

I'm so excited! I leave for camp tomorrow! Camp Glisson here I come! Camp Glisson is one of my favorite places in the whole wide world! I'm so excited to meet my new cabin mates and living group! Well with all this excitement comes bad news, I won't be blogging for a week:(, but I'll be sure to write my blog posts in a journal to post when I get back!

Everybody always gets worked up about the no cell phone rule, but this is so helping my going dark goal. This is actually where I got the idea. Two summers ago we had a speaker who talked about teen age mutant ninja turtles but thats besides the point. Any way he gave up a whole summer by staying in a cabin in the middle of no where, much like Emerson Throeau . But what ever I'm just excited to get closer to God this week! Wish me luck! Good bye bloggers!

Peace out Girl Scout.

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To my secret follower.

So guys. I have a secret follower. A follower that is apparent on my dashboard, but not on my blog. This is a letter to that person.

Dear Secret Follower;

Why are you a secret? We're all friends on this blog. Don't be ashamed to read this blog. Please. Come out. I want to follow your blog. I love to read blogs its true. I read at least 5 every day. Don't you want me to read yours. I know you read mine, or else why would you follow it. Please come out and reveal yourself. I'm revealing myself through these posts. Please destroy the anonymity. It will be awesome! You can share your thoughts to me to!

Please come out of hiding!

Love,

Tansy S.

Really I love every ones blog. I read them like every day! Please share your encouragement with this anonymous follower!

Peace out Girl Scout.

I heart ME

I love my blog. I truly do. I tailor it and brain storm sometimes even. I pour my heart and soul into this thing. So essentially, this blog is me. So Saying I love my blog, really means I love myself. So yeah. I'm concieted and I love myself.

I hate myself sometimes too, which means I hate this blog sometimes. It shows me at my weakest hardest moments in my life. I think its good though. I think its good for me to really remember these times. So I can learn from these experiences. Wow. I honestly didn't think I would even keep this up. I'm really proud of myself. I'm just feeling so happy with myself and who I'm becoming. Excitement :)

Peace out Girl Scout

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30 day journal challenge!!

So I've been inspired by Taylor to start the 30 day Journal Challenge. I always wanted to journal. I started this blog as a journal originally, but the words wouldn't flow. So now I'm copying my blog into a journal, but any way. I'll start the challenge soon, I just need a Journal... choices choices(before I decided to spell that with out an h). I know what pen I'll be using. Its my new favorite. Its a Choice hotels pen... yeah make fun. I love it though! :) I challenge you all to do the challenge with me. Everyone else is way far ahead. Lets start Next Monday. Kay? I"m getting all these prompts from Janel. So all the things will be hers and i'll put a picture up of my journal post that goes along with the prompt.

So get you a journal and a hotel pen and lets get ready to journal!

Peace out Girl Scout.

Tansy and Cheese Soup.

I've just realized something. All along trying to find myself wasn't really trying to find myself. I was trying to find a label. I'm the type of girl who gets a long with everyone. I was looking for a label to call myself. I feel stupid and conceited. I don't know what finding myself means! Is this a blogging FAIL? So what does "finding myself" mean. Well its more about creating myself, but ugh! I'm so confuseded(yes that extra "ed" was intended) AH!

I feel so befuzzled! Does who I am concern my likes and dislikes? My hopes and dreams? I guess that could be a part of it. What are the ingredients to an ideal "me".

Sugar

Spice

Everything nice?

I'm a girl so that has to be in there.

Ugh. I'll keep you posted.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Today's Epic Blogging Adventure.

So I have a LOT to blog about today. So bare with me. I'm going to break it down into my stages of thought post by post. Also for those weak hearted or my guy readers(i don't think i have any) don't read the post called "Don't go with the Flow." So bare with me. I've been an emotional roller coaster all day. So chill. Relax and enjoy summer and my blog:)

Peace out Girl Scout.

weheartit

P.S. read in order.

I did it!

TMI ALERT (not for the faint of heart)

I hate myself.

Chocolate and Blogging, Good for the soul.

So as I poor my heart out into the internet and eat a bowl of chocolate ice cream, I realize that it helps my confusion and frustration disappear. It removes outside distractions and problems, and I can just... write. I can focus and actually solve my problems rather than just lying there thinking.

The million things rushing about my head slowly stop spinning and start to make sense instead of giving me a head ache, but today it was so bad that I literally had to mentally collect myself before I even started writing. Why can I open myself up to everyone in the world, but I can't open it up to the people in my life I care about?

Why am I more willing to trust strangers than my best friends? Have my relationships turned that bad that I can't trust anyone? At least my headache is clearing up. That shows that blogging (or maybe it was the chocolate ice cream) does help.

Yet when I go back to the world, the REAL world. It just pushes me to the point of tears. Tears freely falling at this point. Why is it so hard? Why does the world insist on pushing against me? This is what I'm supposed to be doing right? Right?! I just don't understand.

I need an escape. An escape from all this shit(I've alloted 5 cuss words for this blog, because I really don't like doing it, but sometimes I can't help it.) that's happening. I need a break from this lonliness thats consumed me for far too long.

...

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Breathe.

I shouldn't have to put up with this. I shouldn't have to force myself to be around my "friends". Why are they all jerks?! I would really like to know. Its like you joke about "hating" me, but are you really joking? The way you treat me is intolerable. I can't deal with this any more. It is just adding unnecessary stress to my already stressful life. You really need to chill out and realize the whole world doesn't worship at your feet. You are NOT God. He is the only one I will ever bow to. No matter how many times you make fun of that.

UGH! Sorry You does not refer to you reading this. I'm ranting, psychotically. So my best friends are jerks to me. Like I've known this forever, but it's finally really hit me. I've realized that they aren't my friends, no matter what they tell me. Its giving me an awful stress headache and I'm writing this with my eyes closed. I'm just too flustered to do anything! UAH! I'm trying to do a good thing, but they're road blocking me. Not letting me do what I need to do. This has gone way to far. Its done. I'm about to go all ninja on their butts. But maybe its time for me to let go, and let God. That's always the best option right?

God, Please give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

So I can't change the way they act, but I can change the way I react towards their actions.

I think this blog is more of my personal therapist more than anything else. Writing makes it easier to sort through the mess I call my brain.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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I might as well be the cowardly lion.

So today is one of those days where one post isn't enough. While looking for pictures for one of my posts i stumbled upon a Madonna quote. "To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt."

By Gosh. Madonna has done it again.

So I have as much courage as courage the cowardly dog .I'm not brave. Nope. Never have been. But I do love someone unconditionally. Not expecting anything in return, but I can't tell them that. I can't leave myself out in the open. Busting out of my shell now is not an option. No way no how. Maybe End of senior year I'll tell him. Okay so Next may you guys have to make sure I tell ...who shall I call him...Wren*.

You are here by demanded to force me to tell him. Tell him what though? That I think of you every night. I wish you were here with me. I think you are the coolest most awesome person in the whole wide world? Would it change anything? Would me telling him I love him make a difference? Do I love him? URG!

I guess the point is, I'm not telling him anything anytime soon. Or well I might. Because the longer I like him the sooner my big mouth opens and I tell the whole world. I don't tell people who I like. I've gotten stabbed in the back one too many times to open up to anyone, but the longer I hold it in. The louder it sounds when it finally comes out.

Peace out Girl Scout

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*name has been changed.