Release.

Hey. So you're probably like, "Who are you again?" It's me, Tansy. Or at least I think it is. Shit's happened. I became something I never thought I would be. I did something that I regret, and that doesn't happen often. 

I thought I could hang around the wrong crowd and not get sucked in, I thought I was strong enough that I could resist temptation. I was wrong. I didn't do anything illegal. I didn't do anything too terribly bad. I went against my morals. 

So I've been hanging around this group of guys who, don't always make the best decisions. I was sucked in by charm. Long story short. They convinced me to sneak out at 2 am. I got caught. 

Was I mad that I was grounded for 2 weeks? No. I was mad that after all my protesting, Wren said, "Do I have to make the decision for you?" I said yes, and he said, "We're coming to get you." 

I'm still pissed that I did it. I'm pissed that I've turned into this person who cusses and my excuse for hanging out with them was "Maybe if I hang out with them, I might be a good influence. God wants me to do this." 

They know I don't like drugs and alcohol, so they didn't do that when I was with them, (well once, but I didn't know they were high at the time). I thought I was changing them, but they were changing me. I was trying so hard to impress them, that I changed. 

Now. I'm just through. I've spent the last month alone. I never go out of my house. No one invites me to things. Just alone, and that sucks, and it makes me want to cry. I don't tell anyone anything. I'm pissed and hurt and scared and alone and no one cares.

No one asks how I am. I act okay at school. I laugh. I smile. I fake. My grades are dropping. I'm sinking into this place that's awful. And it just feels so good to write this. To get everything out of my system.


xo.
i missed you.
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I Used to be Love Drunk, but Now I'm Hungover.

I'm just completely confused. I don't want to think him about him all day, but I do anyway. I know I shouldn't think about him all the time, but I do anyway..

I hate being this person who constantly thinks of him. It's pathetic, and that's all there is to it. I should really just move one, but deep down I know that's not going to happen. And that sucks.

And it's not like he hates me or doesn't want to be around me, because I'm pretty sure he just maybe likes me too, but it's not going anywhere, and I'm being an obsessive freak, and I HATE IT.


Peace Out Girl Scout
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Diving Headfirst into Heartbreak

Headfirst. I'm falling headfirst and this time, there's no stopping it. My mind is 90% focused on him, and honestly it shouldn't be. I suck at this. I really do.

 Does he like me? Is this flirting? How do we not get bored after talking for an hour? What does that mean though? My relationship experience is VERY limited. I know, its sad. 

So the other day he said, "Please don't kill yourself next year." Chill guys, I'm not going to kill myself. He just was telling me not to overload myself (which I tend to do very often). 

I'm just confused. I just want to know I can leap and you'll be there to catch me, but I'm not very good at leaping. I might need a push.


Peace out Girl Scout
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Maybe. Just Maybe I'm the one with the problem.

So maybe I've been going about this the wrong way. Maybe I need to look at this from another perspective. Maybe what I'm doing in my point of view isn't the real thing that I'm doing. Does that make sense.

 I think I need to take a step back, and look at things in an unbiased opinion and decide that I'm not the victim here. Maybe I'm initiating the problem. Maybe I'm missing something. 

So I don't feel like explaining this whole sit-iation, but for the most part I'm in a fight with my friends. I hope you could get that much. It seems really stupid and I think I'm over it, but I think I might have caused some of it. I don't know. I'm just very confuzeled. 


Peace out Girl Scout.
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Ah. For the love of Grayson.

So I just realize I didn't post a back to school post. Well its been like a week now since school started, which gave you the I Don't Know post because already all of my friends are like are you doing early enrollment and I'm like uhhhh.... what?

So as I started this second week of school I think, this is MY senior year, MINE and I want to make the most of it.

I may never see these people again, maybe I don't want to, but still there are people that I want to see again, and WANT to stay in my life. Why not live life for now, not for later not what could be or should be. I know I can get into college.

My SAT's were pretty good, and I've taken several AP classes. I'm an all A student, so I can get it. I just don't know WHERE, but right now I don't care. Senior '11.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Someone Please Burst my Bubble.

Oh my dear bloggy poo poo. How I've missed you so. Its been so long since I've wrote a really heart felt post, and I miss that. I really and truly miss that I haven't been pouring my heart into this. I knew I would do this. Sooner or later. Leave my blog. Slowly stop posting.

Slowly stop going to this place where I get in this bubble and don't come out. Inside that bubble I stay. I don't come out. I keep all my secrets to myself. I don't tell anyone how I'm feeling, and I don't talk to God. I hate that bubble.

That was the bubble I was in before I started this blog. And I will not. EVER go back into that bubble. I won't let myself. I don't want to go back to that horrible horrible place. I can't.

As my tears stream down my face I realize that the only person who did this was me. I let myself shrivel down to nothingness. You say "Tansy didn't anyone notice". Nope, they didn't, because I'm a damn good actress. No one could have possibly known.

I was the picture of happiness to everyone around me. If they did notice, they didn't care enough to help. I realize this now. I may have had fun in that bubble, but now its slowly starting to pop. I don't care either. I'm ready to be rid of it.

I think this is why I'm so obsessed with falling in love, because when I find love. I won't be alone anymore. I can talk to someone about how I feel, and how they make me feel better. Thats why I want love.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Tansy and Cheese Soup.

I've just realized something. All along trying to find myself wasn't really trying to find myself. I was trying to find a label. I'm the type of girl who gets a long with everyone. I was looking for a label to call myself. I feel stupid and conceited. I don't know what finding myself means! Is this a blogging FAIL? So what does "finding myself" mean. Well its more about creating myself, but ugh! I'm so confuseded(yes that extra "ed" was intended) AH!

I feel so befuzzled! Does who I am concern my likes and dislikes? My hopes and dreams? I guess that could be a part of it. What are the ingredients to an ideal "me".

Sugar

Spice

Everything nice?

I'm a girl so that has to be in there.

Ugh. I'll keep you posted.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Road Blocked

Now is the time I wish I had someone there for me. Someone who could talk back to me, not a computer. I know I can talk to God, but I think he's telling me to tell someone. I don't know who though. I just feel like bursting into tears, but I can't. I don't have the comfort of my room, or my show just feel so burdened so out of place. My mind is going twenty different directions.

I don't want to do this, but I think my mental health might count on it. Its been my life, my passion. I can't give up. I can't but I don't see another option. And the person I just told probably doesn't care what I do. Probably could care less, probably won't even respond to my text. I feel beaten, I feel abused. I feel like I can't go on. I can't take another step.

pfh.

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