I'd be happier if you didn't care.

Dear You;


Why do you fool me so? I'm pretty sure I was head over heals for you since last year. You lead me on, or maybe you didn't. Maybe you truly did like me, but you didn't do anything about it.

Maybe that's what hurts the most. Knowing that you cared for me, but you didn't care enough. Like I wasn't worth it. I'll have to tell you sometime how you made me feel, or I'll regret it forever. I have to, but I can't do it now. Not now.

Maybe you didn't like me. Maybe you just thought of me as a friend. I don't know what that looks like. I've never been so infatuated with one of my close guy friends. You make my head explode.

In the halls, I constantly search for a glimpse of you, because it makes my day 10 times better just seeing your face; I never say anything to you though. If I do, you talked to me first, and that doesn't happen often. 

I try to look busy like I don't care, so if you don't care. I won't be the only one caring. It's a self-defense mechanism. I sat at my locker today, looking for you, and when I saw you all the way at the end of the hall, I smiled and quickly turned away.

You didn't see me, and you didn't smile; or at least I didn't see. I know one thing though for sure. You don't hate me. You don't grow annoyed with me or frustrated, and maybe that's why I keep hanging on. You always respond to my texts, and never yell at me or act disinterested. 

Maybe if you didn't care, or hated me. Then my mind wouldn't be such a messed up place.


Love
Me. 

But instead he's just a friend.

I can't let go of him. I know that he's bad news. I know that he probably doesn't like me. I know it won't last past May. I know that I can't go 24 hours with out thinking about him.

 It's horrible. I can't stand it, but I can't help the fact that I find the need to talk to him every chance I get.

I sit there and wait for him to get on facebook to chat, and when he gets on I just stare at my computer screen in shock and never say anything. 
xo.
Tansy.

Hey Morals. Good Job Back There.

"There's more to life than being straight-edge my dear." - Pot head/alcoholic/underage idiot who thinks he's my friend.

How did I respond. I gave him the, "Are you high right now look?" While I was prepared to go into "I have morals and just because I don't get drunk on the weekends doesn't mean your better than me speech", I refrained. How, because he was right.

There is more to life than being straight-edge. There is love. There is laughter. There is hope.

Sure I didn't tell him this, but I probably should have. Why? Because I was kinda in shock. My morals were being questioned, and that's something I don't come in contact with very much. I mean lately I've been hanging around people that aren't Christians, and this is really the first time my faith and morals have been tested.

And maybe that's a good thing. I don't want to be a spoil sport. I just won't drink or do illegal drugs, and that's that.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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Just Get Over it Already Tansy

So Winter Formal is coming up. You don't have a date. I don't have a date, and it's extremely awkward when one of your friends tells me to ask you... EXTREMELY. I get frozen, and I don't know what to say... It's BAD.

Its also BAD, when ever your name comes up in conversations with my best friend she immediately says "your prom date?" 

Are we that perfect for each other, but we don't see it? I hope not. Because honestly. I really just want to get over you.


Peace out Girl Scout.
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I Used to be Love Drunk, but Now I'm Hungover.

I'm just completely confused. I don't want to think him about him all day, but I do anyway. I know I shouldn't think about him all the time, but I do anyway..

I hate being this person who constantly thinks of him. It's pathetic, and that's all there is to it. I should really just move one, but deep down I know that's not going to happen. And that sucks.

And it's not like he hates me or doesn't want to be around me, because I'm pretty sure he just maybe likes me too, but it's not going anywhere, and I'm being an obsessive freak, and I HATE IT.


Peace Out Girl Scout
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Sometimes, I wish I could be lazy.

So ever scince I was little, I've always been doing something. Something all the time, soccer, t-ball, dance, science club, church, piano lessons, or art class. I've always been working always been going always busy, and it keeps going now. I've got so much too do, so many commitments. I just wish somethings could be easier.

Why is stress the thing overwhelming my life! I'm the kind of person that doesn't do things half-heartedly, so if I have a 208923472389427394283942738 million things to do. I'll do them to the best of my abilities.

Like my relationship with Wren. I'm pretty sure he likes me again, but can't it just be easy as him asking me to do something. No. It can't, and honestly, I think relationships should take some work, but I'm tired of working, and I'm not going into this half heartedly.

I'm about to crash I've been working so much... and honestly I don't think I want a relationship now, because a relationship will take work, and its not like it would last. And I don't want heartbreak to slide into the picture.

This has just been rambling. I'm sorry, but I just need to vent.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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Drama Mama & My First Guest Post :)

Y'all should definitely check out my guest blog post on The Musings of a Wannabe Star by Jessi Haish. It's an open letter to "haters", and its something different than I've done before. I really surprised myself. I think its just because of all this drama that's been happening, and I think I've just gotten over it. I'm ready to move on and have an awesome senior year, and I don't want friend drama right now. 

I don't know if Top Ten Thursday's going to happen, I've got a big paper due on Friday that I haven't even started yet so.... Top Ten Thursday is canceled... :(


Peace out Girl Scout.
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Maybe. Just Maybe I'm the one with the problem.

So maybe I've been going about this the wrong way. Maybe I need to look at this from another perspective. Maybe what I'm doing in my point of view isn't the real thing that I'm doing. Does that make sense.

 I think I need to take a step back, and look at things in an unbiased opinion and decide that I'm not the victim here. Maybe I'm initiating the problem. Maybe I'm missing something. 

So I don't feel like explaining this whole sit-iation, but for the most part I'm in a fight with my friends. I hope you could get that much. It seems really stupid and I think I'm over it, but I think I might have caused some of it. I don't know. I'm just very confuzeled. 


Peace out Girl Scout.
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I just get so frustrated at my "friends" that I don't want to do anything but punch a wall or something. and I just couldn't get past that wall of crap and i finally just breathed, stepped back and asked myself, is it worth my time and effort to fight this fight. And apparently I thought I needed to and where did it get me? No where. No one ever listens to me and I just can't deal with this anymore. I just really can't. Sometimes I just want to scream through the top of my lungs "F you", but I can't. I just can't. I can't. I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't. 


I just can't wait until college. New friends, new life, New everything. Most of the time I'm terrified of change, but now, I need it. I need to rid myself of these poison people and this poison thats ruining my life. I'm done with it.


x

I hate people.

UGHHH! So have you ever tried to tell someone a piece of information, then they blow up on you, well that just happened to me. I keep trying to tell my friend I can't do a study group during the week and it would be better for me to do it on the weekend, but they decided to go completely bonkers and tell me that i'm stupid and crap. I just told them that it would be easier to do it on the weekend or later on the week day, but no. They decide that I just can't be trusted and I'm a bad person. Ah. 


x.

Thank you college board for making me seem stupid.

So College board told me to make a list of my abilities, preferences, and personal qualities. Well what is that supposed to mean? I apologize for spelling. My head is killing me.

Abilities:

None

Prefrences:

Don't understand the question

Personal Qualities:

huh?

the end. you are welcome college board.

Peace out Girl Scout.

Tansy and Cheese Soup.

I've just realized something. All along trying to find myself wasn't really trying to find myself. I was trying to find a label. I'm the type of girl who gets a long with everyone. I was looking for a label to call myself. I feel stupid and conceited. I don't know what finding myself means! Is this a blogging FAIL? So what does "finding myself" mean. Well its more about creating myself, but ugh! I'm so confuseded(yes that extra "ed" was intended) AH!

I feel so befuzzled! Does who I am concern my likes and dislikes? My hopes and dreams? I guess that could be a part of it. What are the ingredients to an ideal "me".

Sugar

Spice

Everything nice?

I'm a girl so that has to be in there.

Ugh. I'll keep you posted.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Loserville: Population- Me.

So I am officially a loser. I did it, but then I took it back. No seriously. I am a loser. For this to make sense read this. I can't believe I canceled it. Yeah, thats right. I took initative, set up this "meeting" and freaked and canceled it. UGH! I hate myself sometimes. I chickened out because I was so terrified of Scenario Three! AH! I fail.

To make it even worse I lied to him! I told him that I couldn't make it because I had to baby sit my sister. LIES! I am a LIAR! AH! AH! AH! I hate myself. Really, why didn't I meet him. It would be the first time I saw him all summer! Now I'm just wishing he'll ask me to go to a concert that we've been talking about forever, but knowing me I'll say I can't go. UGH!

Why did I do it. I really don't know. I think its my fear of confrontation. Seriously, if I don't know you like if I haven't been to your house and met your parents know you, I will not talk to you in person alone. I've talked to Wren like that before, except we were waiting on friends and we were the first people there. Thats different though. This was my one opportunity, but wait! I still have the notes! I can still win this! Hazaah! Okay, I'm an optpessimist. Guilty. I overthink things way too much.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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She was lookin' kinda dumb with her finger and her thumb in a shape of an "L" on her forehead.

I'm officially a loser. I made such a big deal, gave myself a head ache, then its over with because the other person "doesn't want to talk about it anymore". And what did I do, Say okay. Yup. Because I was trying to get over it. Not deal with it, and after I realize nothing is better still. I still have no one to talk to because the person I did talk to hardly talked to me back. Sigh. I hate drama. It's summer for crying out loud. I didn't have this much drama during the school year. Stupid.

Sad thing is the person I told, Wren, didn't even give me the time of day. Well he sent two text messages. Neither really helping me. I'm afraid I might have said something too honest. Ah. The price I pay for honesty. Is it always that high. Is it even worth it. Now he won't talk to me unless I talk to him about one thing. Like always. sigh.. What is it that even makes me like him, if I can't talk to him. He's not worth it then, but why do I keep hoping to see his name pop up on my phone? Ah! I hate him, I hate liking him. Ugh. Why?!

Peace out Girl Scout.

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