Release.

Hey. So you're probably like, "Who are you again?" It's me, Tansy. Or at least I think it is. Shit's happened. I became something I never thought I would be. I did something that I regret, and that doesn't happen often. 

I thought I could hang around the wrong crowd and not get sucked in, I thought I was strong enough that I could resist temptation. I was wrong. I didn't do anything illegal. I didn't do anything too terribly bad. I went against my morals. 

So I've been hanging around this group of guys who, don't always make the best decisions. I was sucked in by charm. Long story short. They convinced me to sneak out at 2 am. I got caught. 

Was I mad that I was grounded for 2 weeks? No. I was mad that after all my protesting, Wren said, "Do I have to make the decision for you?" I said yes, and he said, "We're coming to get you." 

I'm still pissed that I did it. I'm pissed that I've turned into this person who cusses and my excuse for hanging out with them was "Maybe if I hang out with them, I might be a good influence. God wants me to do this." 

They know I don't like drugs and alcohol, so they didn't do that when I was with them, (well once, but I didn't know they were high at the time). I thought I was changing them, but they were changing me. I was trying so hard to impress them, that I changed. 

Now. I'm just through. I've spent the last month alone. I never go out of my house. No one invites me to things. Just alone, and that sucks, and it makes me want to cry. I don't tell anyone anything. I'm pissed and hurt and scared and alone and no one cares.

No one asks how I am. I act okay at school. I laugh. I smile. I fake. My grades are dropping. I'm sinking into this place that's awful. And it just feels so good to write this. To get everything out of my system.


xo.
i missed you.
pictures

ME > YOU.

So the Sad new is, Letters to the Future as well as Top Ten Thursdays are canceled. This blog is for ME. Not YOU, and those things were for YOU not ME. Yeah, I'm self absorbed, because sometimes it is about Me, not often but sometimes it is and this blog is really for me. 

For me and me only, if you're reading this it means that A.)  you find yourself to be in the same can of worms as myself, B.) You like the pretty pictures I post, or C.) you sincerely care for my well being. And all of those reasons are GRAND, but this blog isn't for YOU its for ME. 

And I'm okay with that. This blog is supposed to help me find out who I am as an individual, and I LOVE that you read my blog, I truly truly do, but if you didn't read it I wouldn't be upset. I really love having blogger friends and followers, but right now I just need to focus on ME not trying to please the whole internet.

Adiós

Peace Out Girl Scout.
pictures

Mr. Opportunity knocked, and I slammed the door in his face.

So its been a while since I've actually wrote anything, and I'm sorry. Its just college applications and school have completely bogged me down, but none the less, I feel the need to blog.

You know Wren, well, I thought I was over him, and I hoped and prayed I would be, but I'm not. No matter what I do, and do you know what sucks. I'm pretty sure he liked me. Back way back before he thought I wasn't crazy. 

I was looking at the emails we sent, and I realized, he DID like me, and I was too stupid to do anything about it. I just let it be.

UGH! Do you know how frustrated that makes me like Frustrated to the 10th power. I had a chance, and I sat there in my own little world and watched it pass me right on by. What am I going to do about it? Nothing, because thats what I do best.

AH, I was trying to fix it though, I really was and still am, but its not happening. Ah, and no one probably even cares. Lovely.


Peace out Girl Scout.
pictures

Drama Mama & My First Guest Post :)

Y'all should definitely check out my guest blog post on The Musings of a Wannabe Star by Jessi Haish. It's an open letter to "haters", and its something different than I've done before. I really surprised myself. I think its just because of all this drama that's been happening, and I think I've just gotten over it. I'm ready to move on and have an awesome senior year, and I don't want friend drama right now. 

I don't know if Top Ten Thursday's going to happen, I've got a big paper due on Friday that I haven't even started yet so.... Top Ten Thursday is canceled... :(


Peace out Girl Scout.
pictures

I just get so frustrated at my "friends" that I don't want to do anything but punch a wall or something. and I just couldn't get past that wall of crap and i finally just breathed, stepped back and asked myself, is it worth my time and effort to fight this fight. And apparently I thought I needed to and where did it get me? No where. No one ever listens to me and I just can't deal with this anymore. I just really can't. Sometimes I just want to scream through the top of my lungs "F you", but I can't. I just can't. I can't. I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't. 


I just can't wait until college. New friends, new life, New everything. Most of the time I'm terrified of change, but now, I need it. I need to rid myself of these poison people and this poison thats ruining my life. I'm done with it.


x

I hate people.

UGHHH! So have you ever tried to tell someone a piece of information, then they blow up on you, well that just happened to me. I keep trying to tell my friend I can't do a study group during the week and it would be better for me to do it on the weekend, but they decided to go completely bonkers and tell me that i'm stupid and crap. I just told them that it would be easier to do it on the weekend or later on the week day, but no. They decide that I just can't be trusted and I'm a bad person. Ah. 


x.

Breathe.

I shouldn't have to put up with this. I shouldn't have to force myself to be around my "friends". Why are they all jerks?! I would really like to know. Its like you joke about "hating" me, but are you really joking? The way you treat me is intolerable. I can't deal with this any more. It is just adding unnecessary stress to my already stressful life. You really need to chill out and realize the whole world doesn't worship at your feet. You are NOT God. He is the only one I will ever bow to. No matter how many times you make fun of that.

UGH! Sorry You does not refer to you reading this. I'm ranting, psychotically. So my best friends are jerks to me. Like I've known this forever, but it's finally really hit me. I've realized that they aren't my friends, no matter what they tell me. Its giving me an awful stress headache and I'm writing this with my eyes closed. I'm just too flustered to do anything! UAH! I'm trying to do a good thing, but they're road blocking me. Not letting me do what I need to do. This has gone way to far. Its done. I'm about to go all ninja on their butts. But maybe its time for me to let go, and let God. That's always the best option right?

God, Please give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

So I can't change the way they act, but I can change the way I react towards their actions.

I think this blog is more of my personal therapist more than anything else. Writing makes it easier to sort through the mess I call my brain.

Peace out Girl Scout.

pictures

Hey I thought you were kinda my best friend

So I don't understand. I don't understand why my best friend is being like this. Okay story time. So I asked my best friend a simple question that I needed to know the answer to. So she told me to never talk to her again about it. I said excuse me but I would just like to know the answer to the question. Then she completely went off on me. Loud voicemail and everything. So today(this happened like a week days ago) She sends me a text answering my question then proceeds to tell me she wishes i would die because "I deserve it" So i said um what are you talking about "best friend" and she said I love you but I hate you.

So i'm like well what is that supposed to mean. ugh. I hate fights. So maybe I need to change my attitude. Maybe she's going through something right now that I don't know about or something she doesn't want to talk about. Girl Drama. Can't live with it can't live with out it even though we'd all like to. All I can do now is pray about it. God will know what to do. I just have to listen.

Peace out Girl Scout.

pictures via weheartit

Don't Count on It.

So I have like started and erased and started and erased this post like twelve times, so I'm just going to write. Do you know what REALLY bothers me? People. Yup, people. At this point you're probably saying to yourself, "This chick is crazy, what is she talking about," and then you exit out of my page. Thats fine I don't care, and maybe I am a little bit crazy. Heck. Who isn't just a little bit crazy, but back to my people hating. Really though, I hate people. Don't take this personally. For all I know you are a great person, but I still hate people. I've started to rely on people way too much, and the truth is you can't rely on people. People aren't RELIABLE. No Joke. I asked someone to give my book back like a month ago and they sitll haven't. I NEED that book. It just irks me, yes I just said irks. But really was it that hard to go five minutes down the street? No. No it wasn't. Thats why I have to get up tomorrow and go do get it because PEOPLE didn't do it the first time. Hence, why I hate people.

Peace out Girl Scout.