I'd be happier if you didn't care.

Dear You;


Why do you fool me so? I'm pretty sure I was head over heals for you since last year. You lead me on, or maybe you didn't. Maybe you truly did like me, but you didn't do anything about it.

Maybe that's what hurts the most. Knowing that you cared for me, but you didn't care enough. Like I wasn't worth it. I'll have to tell you sometime how you made me feel, or I'll regret it forever. I have to, but I can't do it now. Not now.

Maybe you didn't like me. Maybe you just thought of me as a friend. I don't know what that looks like. I've never been so infatuated with one of my close guy friends. You make my head explode.

In the halls, I constantly search for a glimpse of you, because it makes my day 10 times better just seeing your face; I never say anything to you though. If I do, you talked to me first, and that doesn't happen often. 

I try to look busy like I don't care, so if you don't care. I won't be the only one caring. It's a self-defense mechanism. I sat at my locker today, looking for you, and when I saw you all the way at the end of the hall, I smiled and quickly turned away.

You didn't see me, and you didn't smile; or at least I didn't see. I know one thing though for sure. You don't hate me. You don't grow annoyed with me or frustrated, and maybe that's why I keep hanging on. You always respond to my texts, and never yell at me or act disinterested. 

Maybe if you didn't care, or hated me. Then my mind wouldn't be such a messed up place.


Love
Me. 

But instead he's just a friend.

I can't let go of him. I know that he's bad news. I know that he probably doesn't like me. I know it won't last past May. I know that I can't go 24 hours with out thinking about him.

 It's horrible. I can't stand it, but I can't help the fact that I find the need to talk to him every chance I get.

I sit there and wait for him to get on facebook to chat, and when he gets on I just stare at my computer screen in shock and never say anything. 
xo.
Tansy.

Best Coast

This is the soundtrack to my life. You think I'm kidding you, but I'm not.


Best Coast- Boyfriend
I wish he was my boyfriend
I wish he was my boyfriend
I'd love him to the very end 
But instead he's just a friend
I wish he was my boyfriend

There's nothing worse than sitting all alone at home
And waiting waiting waiting waiting by the phone
I hope that he's at home
Waiting by his phone
I wonder if he knows
That I want him

I wish he was my boyfriend
I wish he was my boyfriend
I'd love him to the very end but instead he's just a friend
I wish he was my boyfriend

The other girl is not like me
She's prettier and skinnier
She has a college degree
I dropped out when I was seventeen
If only I could get her out of the picture
Then he would know how much I want him

One day I'll make him mine
And we'll be together all the time
We'll sit and watch the sun rise
And gaze into eachother's eyes
And know that he knows
I know that he knows
That he wants to be my boyfriend

Boyfriend
Boyfriend
I'd love him to the very end 
But instead he's just a friend
I wish he was my boyfriend
I wish he was my boyfriend
I'd love him to the very end 
But instead he's just a friend
I wish he was my boyfriend

letting go for good.

I don't like him anymore, and I don't care. Okay, so maybe I like him like just an itsy bit, but I'm not going to be following him around like a hopeless puppy anymore. I'm relieved to say the least.

I mean, sure, it's disappointing to know that nothing happened between us, but at least I'm not going to feel my heart break come May. I let go. I let God, and now I could care less if he text me or not. 

Was this what I wanted? No, honestly, and maybe it's for the best. 


Peace Out Girl Scout.

Just Get Over it Already Tansy

So Winter Formal is coming up. You don't have a date. I don't have a date, and it's extremely awkward when one of your friends tells me to ask you... EXTREMELY. I get frozen, and I don't know what to say... It's BAD.

Its also BAD, when ever your name comes up in conversations with my best friend she immediately says "your prom date?" 

Are we that perfect for each other, but we don't see it? I hope not. Because honestly. I really just want to get over you.


Peace out Girl Scout.
pictures

Friends for now.

So when ever I'm in a sucky mood, I read over my old blog posts, and I just feel so stupid and pathetic right now, but then I came across this post. Wow, I am that seventh grade girl again, and I need to get over that. ASAP.

Then "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars came on my iPod, then "Leave" by Jo Jo, and finally "Change" by Taylor Swift. Its like my iPod made me feel ten times better about my situation.

I realize now that, 1. I should enjoy the time I have left with Wren before graduation, 2. It shouldn't be about a relationship, it should be about having fun, and 3. He's my friend right now, and I should be happy with that.

Though it's going to be hard to keep the feelings I have for him submerged, I should be completely happy just spending time with him as friends, and do you know what? For once in my life, I'm going to listen to my own advice.

"It was the night things changed, can you see it now, these walls they put up to hold us back fell down."

Sometimes I think Taylor Swift steals all her song ideas from my life, but that's okay, because now I have an awesome soundtrack to my life.


Peace Out Girl Scout
pictures

I Used to be Love Drunk, but Now I'm Hungover.

I'm just completely confused. I don't want to think him about him all day, but I do anyway. I know I shouldn't think about him all the time, but I do anyway..

I hate being this person who constantly thinks of him. It's pathetic, and that's all there is to it. I should really just move one, but deep down I know that's not going to happen. And that sucks.

And it's not like he hates me or doesn't want to be around me, because I'm pretty sure he just maybe likes me too, but it's not going anywhere, and I'm being an obsessive freak, and I HATE IT.


Peace Out Girl Scout
picture

Diving Headfirst into Heartbreak

Headfirst. I'm falling headfirst and this time, there's no stopping it. My mind is 90% focused on him, and honestly it shouldn't be. I suck at this. I really do.

 Does he like me? Is this flirting? How do we not get bored after talking for an hour? What does that mean though? My relationship experience is VERY limited. I know, its sad. 

So the other day he said, "Please don't kill yourself next year." Chill guys, I'm not going to kill myself. He just was telling me not to overload myself (which I tend to do very often). 

I'm just confused. I just want to know I can leap and you'll be there to catch me, but I'm not very good at leaping. I might need a push.


Peace out Girl Scout
pictures

Leftovers.

So a while back I became acquainted with a pleasant young fellow. To be frank I was quite smitten with him. We talked and conversed quite regularly. It wasn't until like a month ago, he liked me to, but I ruined it. 

For about a month I've just been head over heels for him, and it just wasn't working, until tonight I didn't realize that what happened happened, and its not going to happen again.

Though it would be nice to have a relationship, I don't have the time. With college apps taking up most of my time, SAT study time, ACT study time, and normal AP study time. I'm bogged down. 

I've learned I need to live for the moment. Live for today, and have no regrets. I enjoyed the time I spent with him, but it ended. I regret nothing. 

Living on the edge doesn't mean taking risks, it means living knowing that tomorrow might not come, and being okay with that. I've learned that I don't need some guy to be happy. I need to just LIVE. 

Besides, come May, we'd have to break it off any way, and I don't want to have to go through that. Meanwhile there are other relationships that I'd like to work on. Like the one with the all mighty God. I've been so busy I've left Him at the wayside and I'm giving Him my left over time. He deserves ALL my time, not just the left overs.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
pictures

Mr. Opportunity knocked, and I slammed the door in his face.

So its been a while since I've actually wrote anything, and I'm sorry. Its just college applications and school have completely bogged me down, but none the less, I feel the need to blog.

You know Wren, well, I thought I was over him, and I hoped and prayed I would be, but I'm not. No matter what I do, and do you know what sucks. I'm pretty sure he liked me. Back way back before he thought I wasn't crazy. 

I was looking at the emails we sent, and I realized, he DID like me, and I was too stupid to do anything about it. I just let it be.

UGH! Do you know how frustrated that makes me like Frustrated to the 10th power. I had a chance, and I sat there in my own little world and watched it pass me right on by. What am I going to do about it? Nothing, because thats what I do best.

AH, I was trying to fix it though, I really was and still am, but its not happening. Ah, and no one probably even cares. Lovely.


Peace out Girl Scout.
pictures

A Letter to the Future- Ex-Boyfriends.

Dear Future Exes,

Whether you broke my heart or I broke yours, thank you. Though it didn't work out with us I learned something from our relationship. Though I might not see it immediately, I'll be a better person because of you. Thank you. I'm sorry if I'm a rude obnoxious person, thats who I tend to be sometime.

I apologize for my lack of trust, and lack of communication skills, I'm still working on both. I hope with all my heart that you won't hate me after we've gone our separate ways. I hope that we're still friends and can laugh at our mistakes. I hope truly that you got something meaningful out of our time together, whether it be long or short. 


Much Love, 
Tansy


Peace out Girl Scout.
picture

Sometimes Nothing is Really Something.

So this post is a sort of continuation of my last post. After all of that I look back on my "crush"(that seems like so seventh grade, but still) on Wren. I used to think that I made it all up in my head, and that he didn't care for me. Yet as I think about all our conversations, we had something. We had something that made me happy.

I don't know if it was just a friendship, or something more, but whatever it was, its gone now. And somehow, I'm okay with it. I've realized that if God wants something between us, He'll put it there.

Peace out Girl Scout.

picture

Brief is Life, but Love is Long.

So, as I was cleaning my room today I discovered a small journal I used to keep from seventh to eighth grade. Well this journal was full of stupid stuff about a crush I had on this ONE guy for that long. I was a stalker. It was scary.

Anyway, this guy was all I used to think about, and as I read this stupid girls version of what she felt for this guy, I realized, 1. I was a creep and 2. I had better things in my life to worry about than guys. As I came to the last page in this journal I read a entry that I had written my Freshman year, It seems forever ago, I don't even remember writing it. This is what it said.

"So yeah its almost been a year since I wrote in this stupid thing..... I've learned somethings since seventh grade (mostly from God). I shouldn't seek love. I should stumble upon it."

I then go on to talk about a previous boyfriend and say "I didn't go into this relationship head over heels, but I didn't come out of it heart over head. The whole thing was a big awkward mess, but those little, but few sweet things that we shared stuck. It was awkward, so I tried to get out of it. I started a fight out of nothing and broke it off, and put it out of sight, out of mind."

Wow, I was a deep person then.

I then go on to finish the entry by saying.

"I really haven't stopped thinking 'did i do the right thing?".......  "Do I let it go knowing I might have missed out on something great?"

There was a big transition from that seventh grade girl obsessing over some guy she thought she knew, to this older, more self aware girl who knows that everything in life isn't about having a boy friend.

I look back at that journal, and my previous blog posts and realize, that seventh grade girl was there during the summer, and that mature ninth grade girl has made her way back into the picture. I understand now that God knows what is best for me, even when I think something else is better. I know now that God's love is all I need.

Just think, the creator of this glorious universe loves ME. Me of all people who sin and could care less about God during the week, but on Sunday act like He is the only one for me. And He is. He's the only one I could ever need, and I forget that sometimes. Not anymore, never again will I forget that.

Peace out Girl Scout.

pictures

Will you be my best friend?

The more I think about it I realize I'm not looking for love. I'm looking for a best friend. A best friend who will always be there for me. A best friend that will love me for who I am. A best friend that is good looking, but a best friend who I can always count on.

I love my best friends. I let them know that. This is a special love. A special connection. Thats really what love is. You never can give it away too much, but you can keep it to yourself which might not be a good thing. I want a best friend. I best friend that will kiss me in the pouring rain. A best friend that will take me places and show me off.

I want to end up marrying my best friend. I want every thing we do together to be fun, to be a memory. This makes me realize that to marry my best friend I have to let people into my life. I'm a very introverted person. I need to open up to more people. I tend to turn people away. If I keep doing that I'll live to be an old maid with 30 cats.

I want someone to sweep me off my feet, but I want to know this person too. I don't want some random prince charming. I want someone I know. Someone I already care for. Someone who has been through it all with me. Someone who knows myself better than I do. That will be my best friend. Thats the person who I'll fall deeply and madly in love with.

Peace out Girl Scout.

pictures

Sweet sweet Freedom

So after all that whining and crying, I realized. I don't like Wren. Nope. Not at all. Well maybe a little, but thats not the point. I realized I had built him up to so much more than he really was. Yeah, I realized that before, but before I didn't do anything about it. So after I figured out I just put all the "perfect qualities" into him. I did nothing. I kept on liking WREN. Not the made up person in my head.

Now I've figured out how I can avoid not liking Wren, and getting hurt by someone who I thought I knew, but really I know nothing about. Its going to be lame. Don't laugh at me. I'm going to insert those soul mate qualities into a celebrity. Lame. I know. Laugh all you want. This way I'm not obsessing over a guy I actually see during the day. So who is my handsome soul mate you might ask.

None other than Nick Jonas. Don't make fun. I actually really like Nick. I was going to pick Justin Beiber, but then I might kill myself hahaha. No, but Nick is really cute and fits all the physical requirements, so I can just insert my soul mate qualities and stop flipping heart over head for Wren. I feel somewhat loserish for doing this, but I think it might help me in the long run.

It will also help me find an actual guy. You may say "Why Tansy, how is that ever going to help you find a boyfriend? Aren't you basically making up your own boyfriend" Nope. I'm not. This way I won't be so blinded by Wren, and I can see when guys actually like me. I tend to do that. A lot. Turn guys away that I'm not crushing on.

Of course, this doesn't mean I'm fishing for a boyfriend. I'm just going to wait and sit and do nothing. Yup. I don't like anyone any more so I can be free to be single and mingle haha! I don't expect to find a boyfriend, he'll find me, and unlike most of the time I'll give it a chance. I feel so light hearted right now:) I like this feeling. Its like I'm turning over a new leaf.

Peace out Girl Scout.

pictures

Loserville: Population- Me.

So I am officially a loser. I did it, but then I took it back. No seriously. I am a loser. For this to make sense read this. I can't believe I canceled it. Yeah, thats right. I took initative, set up this "meeting" and freaked and canceled it. UGH! I hate myself sometimes. I chickened out because I was so terrified of Scenario Three! AH! I fail.

To make it even worse I lied to him! I told him that I couldn't make it because I had to baby sit my sister. LIES! I am a LIAR! AH! AH! AH! I hate myself. Really, why didn't I meet him. It would be the first time I saw him all summer! Now I'm just wishing he'll ask me to go to a concert that we've been talking about forever, but knowing me I'll say I can't go. UGH!

Why did I do it. I really don't know. I think its my fear of confrontation. Seriously, if I don't know you like if I haven't been to your house and met your parents know you, I will not talk to you in person alone. I've talked to Wren like that before, except we were waiting on friends and we were the first people there. Thats different though. This was my one opportunity, but wait! I still have the notes! I can still win this! Hazaah! Okay, I'm an optpessimist. Guilty. I overthink things way too much.

Peace out Girl Scout.

weheartit