It was really nice to meet you, goodbye.

I don't like leaving. I don't like it. Not one bit. I hate that my friends are going to be scattered across the south, I hate that I never had with him what I wish I did. I hate becoming super close to someone this year, then leaving now. I hate graduation, I hate finding out other people are leaving. I can't stand hearing, "this is the last." 

I know I'm in denial. I scream and close my ears when anyone says something about leaving or graduation or college. I can't help it. I've known this place for all my life, I've known these people forever. How can I let them go?

I know that it's pretty ridiculous of me to say, that I have to let them go, because they're going whether I like it or not. I just hope they know how thankful I am to have them in my life. How grateful I truly am to have known them and to laugh, and cry, and sing, and dance, and explore, and create, and experience, with them. 

Maybe our stories don't end here, but it sure feels like it. I hope it doesn't, but if it has to I hope that every moment we spent all together will not be forgotten. I know it will be, and that's okay, what I really want all of us to remember is how much fun we had, and how we were each other's strong holds; that we were there for each other. 

This is my last blog post. It seems appropriate. I'm leaving high school behind, I want to leave the girl who all she cared about was whether she needed a boyfriend or not behind. I'll still pop in, look at my posts, reflect about who I was and who I was becoming. 

I guess you could say I found myself. It wasn't what I expected. I didn't find out what I wanted to be in life, I didn't find my social circle, but I found my potential. I learned I have something inside of me that's great. I learned that life isn't just what I see from my viewfinder. It's that I have to take away that blue plastic toy and learn that there is a whole world out there ready for me to experience.

I want to thank everyone who reads this. Who has supported me with kind words, who's put up with my mindless rants. I truly appreciate you. You've made an impact on my life, and I hope I've impacted yours too. 


Much much love,
Tansy.

You Never Know What You Got Till It's Gone.

Driving home today, I had the worst daydream possible. I daydreamed that my two best friends died in a car crash. It was awful. I almost had to put over I was crying so much. They are all that I have, and I would be devastated if I lost them.

As soon as I got home I text both to make sure they were still living, and they were much to my pleasing. Over the summer though one of my friends, Samantha, from elementary school wrecked coming home from her boyfriends house. She hit a tree, broke her neck, and died instantly. 

That same night. I was with my two best friends and their boy friends. My best friend, Lucy, was probably driving around 80 mph. I was freaking out. When we got back to Lucy's house, who happened to live next door to Samantha. We went straight to bed. In the morning, while I was leaving for church Samantha's mom and another neighbor rang the doorbell. 

I left for church and didn't know what words were exchanged until during the church service, I heard the news. My heart stopped. 

I really didn't know what to do at that point. That could have been me and my two friends. It was a wake up call. I wasn't close to Samantha any more, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks.

I guess the whole point of this post was to show how thankful I am for my life, and my friends. Knowing that life could end at any moment is scary, but it's also humbling. I now know I'm not ten feet tall and bullet proof, and I intend to live life to the fullest everyday.


Rest in Peace Sam. #7. I love you. 
Peace Out Girl Scout.
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Friends for now.

So when ever I'm in a sucky mood, I read over my old blog posts, and I just feel so stupid and pathetic right now, but then I came across this post. Wow, I am that seventh grade girl again, and I need to get over that. ASAP.

Then "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars came on my iPod, then "Leave" by Jo Jo, and finally "Change" by Taylor Swift. Its like my iPod made me feel ten times better about my situation.

I realize now that, 1. I should enjoy the time I have left with Wren before graduation, 2. It shouldn't be about a relationship, it should be about having fun, and 3. He's my friend right now, and I should be happy with that.

Though it's going to be hard to keep the feelings I have for him submerged, I should be completely happy just spending time with him as friends, and do you know what? For once in my life, I'm going to listen to my own advice.

"It was the night things changed, can you see it now, these walls they put up to hold us back fell down."

Sometimes I think Taylor Swift steals all her song ideas from my life, but that's okay, because now I have an awesome soundtrack to my life.


Peace Out Girl Scout
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Dear Future EX-Bestfriends

Dear Future Ex-Bestfriend,


You've probably done something pretty awful to me for you to be an EX. Thats kind of scary, and I hope that I didn't cause our EXness. You were probably a pretty awesome person. You had to be to be my BEST friend. I'm sorry if I was the reason for our EXness. EXness isn't fun. 

Its probably awkward between us if we still see each other. Trust me. Its awkward for me too. I just hope that we both learned something from our friendship and I hope we both have fond memories of each other. I CERTAINLY hope it wasn't over a boy, and it won't be because I think I've gotten over that.

So.. this is where it ends. Either days, weeks, months or years of friendship gone. Is this the way it was supposed to be? I guess we'll never know.

Much, much, much love,
Tansy


Peace out Girl Scout.
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Letters to the Future- College Roomie!

AH! So I forgot my letter to the future yesterday so here it is! OH! and don't forget about Top Ten Thursday Tomorrow! Who's pumped, because I am! 


Dear Future College-Roommate, 


I'm sorry. I have some clear issues. I'm OCD, and a complete slob at the same way. You ask how? Don't ask because I don't understand it myself, but I just am.

I'm also super excited to meet you, like I'm ready to have a new best friend, and YOU'RE IT! Well maybe not, but I hope we do become really good friends. I'm super excited to start my new awesome life with you, because let's face it, you're going to be the first person I meet. 

I can't wait for all night study sessions, dance parties in our dorm, our first fire drill, our awesome decorating that WILL take place some time during the year. I can't wait for a lot of things. I hope you don't hate me. Really, because that would be terribly unfortunate. Well until then Peace and Blessings! 


Much Love,
Tansy.


Peace out Girl Scout.
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Will you be my best friend?

The more I think about it I realize I'm not looking for love. I'm looking for a best friend. A best friend who will always be there for me. A best friend that will love me for who I am. A best friend that is good looking, but a best friend who I can always count on.

I love my best friends. I let them know that. This is a special love. A special connection. Thats really what love is. You never can give it away too much, but you can keep it to yourself which might not be a good thing. I want a best friend. I best friend that will kiss me in the pouring rain. A best friend that will take me places and show me off.

I want to end up marrying my best friend. I want every thing we do together to be fun, to be a memory. This makes me realize that to marry my best friend I have to let people into my life. I'm a very introverted person. I need to open up to more people. I tend to turn people away. If I keep doing that I'll live to be an old maid with 30 cats.

I want someone to sweep me off my feet, but I want to know this person too. I don't want some random prince charming. I want someone I know. Someone I already care for. Someone who has been through it all with me. Someone who knows myself better than I do. That will be my best friend. Thats the person who I'll fall deeply and madly in love with.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Going Dark; Update 2

So its been really hard lately with no communication from the outside world. I've just been lazy. Today after work I was driving and saw my best friends together. It was very hard to see them having fun with out me. I don't like being left out.

I don't like not being in the loop, but I think its what's best for me right now. Its not that I don't want to hang out with my friends. I do. It hurts being left out. I guess its my fault, but it still hurts. Its like I'm on the outside looking in. Actually its more I'm inside looking out.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Going Dark; Update 1

So as for going dark. I have. Well not completely. Since I've made this blog I haven't been using my normal email. And have created multiple social network accounts just for that email and for blogging purposes. I gave my phone to my loving mother to keep safe and hidden at her work. Yup. No contact from friends. They'll probably hate me by the end of the summer. If they really want to see me they can come by work.

As for what I do durring the day I embrace family. Me and my little sister have been having bunches of fun together when I'm not working at RT's. I really want to start getting into art some more. I dabble in pretty much everything and can't make up my mind.

So one of the purposes of this blog is to find out what I'm good at. I want to be a creative spirit. As selfish as this seems I want this summer to be about me. I don't want to surround myself with going to parties, getting invited to long weekend trips. I want to relax and enjoy MY summer. Its no one else's.

Peace out Girl Scout

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Chocolate and Blogging, Good for the soul.

So as I poor my heart out into the internet and eat a bowl of chocolate ice cream, I realize that it helps my confusion and frustration disappear. It removes outside distractions and problems, and I can just... write. I can focus and actually solve my problems rather than just lying there thinking.

The million things rushing about my head slowly stop spinning and start to make sense instead of giving me a head ache, but today it was so bad that I literally had to mentally collect myself before I even started writing. Why can I open myself up to everyone in the world, but I can't open it up to the people in my life I care about?

Why am I more willing to trust strangers than my best friends? Have my relationships turned that bad that I can't trust anyone? At least my headache is clearing up. That shows that blogging (or maybe it was the chocolate ice cream) does help.

Yet when I go back to the world, the REAL world. It just pushes me to the point of tears. Tears freely falling at this point. Why is it so hard? Why does the world insist on pushing against me? This is what I'm supposed to be doing right? Right?! I just don't understand.

I need an escape. An escape from all this shit(I've alloted 5 cuss words for this blog, because I really don't like doing it, but sometimes I can't help it.) that's happening. I need a break from this lonliness thats consumed me for far too long.

...

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Breathe.

I shouldn't have to put up with this. I shouldn't have to force myself to be around my "friends". Why are they all jerks?! I would really like to know. Its like you joke about "hating" me, but are you really joking? The way you treat me is intolerable. I can't deal with this any more. It is just adding unnecessary stress to my already stressful life. You really need to chill out and realize the whole world doesn't worship at your feet. You are NOT God. He is the only one I will ever bow to. No matter how many times you make fun of that.

UGH! Sorry You does not refer to you reading this. I'm ranting, psychotically. So my best friends are jerks to me. Like I've known this forever, but it's finally really hit me. I've realized that they aren't my friends, no matter what they tell me. Its giving me an awful stress headache and I'm writing this with my eyes closed. I'm just too flustered to do anything! UAH! I'm trying to do a good thing, but they're road blocking me. Not letting me do what I need to do. This has gone way to far. Its done. I'm about to go all ninja on their butts. But maybe its time for me to let go, and let God. That's always the best option right?

God, Please give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

So I can't change the way they act, but I can change the way I react towards their actions.

I think this blog is more of my personal therapist more than anything else. Writing makes it easier to sort through the mess I call my brain.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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So I have thoroughly confused Blogger.

So I would like to apologize. My whole page profile thing is acting up. I originally made this blog for my friend, but then I liked it too much so I stole it from her. I was going to get it started for her and then hand it over. So we did a switcheroo and now both of our profiles are messed up. So sorry!

Peace out Girl Scout.

You can follow Taylor at http://taylorswalkwithgod.blogspot.com or http://hopeisallyouneed-taylor.blogspot.com I encourage you to. She's such a good christian person and one of my good friends that I met at church camp. I can't wait for her blogs, they're going to be awesome.

P.S. She's not the "best friend" I've mentioned in my other post:)

Both of our profiles are seriously messed up. Taylor has no technical abilities so I'm trying to sort it out.

Hey I thought you were kinda my best friend

So I don't understand. I don't understand why my best friend is being like this. Okay story time. So I asked my best friend a simple question that I needed to know the answer to. So she told me to never talk to her again about it. I said excuse me but I would just like to know the answer to the question. Then she completely went off on me. Loud voicemail and everything. So today(this happened like a week days ago) She sends me a text answering my question then proceeds to tell me she wishes i would die because "I deserve it" So i said um what are you talking about "best friend" and she said I love you but I hate you.

So i'm like well what is that supposed to mean. ugh. I hate fights. So maybe I need to change my attitude. Maybe she's going through something right now that I don't know about or something she doesn't want to talk about. Girl Drama. Can't live with it can't live with out it even though we'd all like to. All I can do now is pray about it. God will know what to do. I just have to listen.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Don't Count on It.

So I have like started and erased and started and erased this post like twelve times, so I'm just going to write. Do you know what REALLY bothers me? People. Yup, people. At this point you're probably saying to yourself, "This chick is crazy, what is she talking about," and then you exit out of my page. Thats fine I don't care, and maybe I am a little bit crazy. Heck. Who isn't just a little bit crazy, but back to my people hating. Really though, I hate people. Don't take this personally. For all I know you are a great person, but I still hate people. I've started to rely on people way too much, and the truth is you can't rely on people. People aren't RELIABLE. No Joke. I asked someone to give my book back like a month ago and they sitll haven't. I NEED that book. It just irks me, yes I just said irks. But really was it that hard to go five minutes down the street? No. No it wasn't. Thats why I have to get up tomorrow and go do get it because PEOPLE didn't do it the first time. Hence, why I hate people.

Peace out Girl Scout.