It was really nice to meet you, goodbye.

I don't like leaving. I don't like it. Not one bit. I hate that my friends are going to be scattered across the south, I hate that I never had with him what I wish I did. I hate becoming super close to someone this year, then leaving now. I hate graduation, I hate finding out other people are leaving. I can't stand hearing, "this is the last." 

I know I'm in denial. I scream and close my ears when anyone says something about leaving or graduation or college. I can't help it. I've known this place for all my life, I've known these people forever. How can I let them go?

I know that it's pretty ridiculous of me to say, that I have to let them go, because they're going whether I like it or not. I just hope they know how thankful I am to have them in my life. How grateful I truly am to have known them and to laugh, and cry, and sing, and dance, and explore, and create, and experience, with them. 

Maybe our stories don't end here, but it sure feels like it. I hope it doesn't, but if it has to I hope that every moment we spent all together will not be forgotten. I know it will be, and that's okay, what I really want all of us to remember is how much fun we had, and how we were each other's strong holds; that we were there for each other. 

This is my last blog post. It seems appropriate. I'm leaving high school behind, I want to leave the girl who all she cared about was whether she needed a boyfriend or not behind. I'll still pop in, look at my posts, reflect about who I was and who I was becoming. 

I guess you could say I found myself. It wasn't what I expected. I didn't find out what I wanted to be in life, I didn't find my social circle, but I found my potential. I learned I have something inside of me that's great. I learned that life isn't just what I see from my viewfinder. It's that I have to take away that blue plastic toy and learn that there is a whole world out there ready for me to experience.

I want to thank everyone who reads this. Who has supported me with kind words, who's put up with my mindless rants. I truly appreciate you. You've made an impact on my life, and I hope I've impacted yours too. 


Much much love,
Tansy.

I'd be happier if you didn't care.

Dear You;


Why do you fool me so? I'm pretty sure I was head over heals for you since last year. You lead me on, or maybe you didn't. Maybe you truly did like me, but you didn't do anything about it.

Maybe that's what hurts the most. Knowing that you cared for me, but you didn't care enough. Like I wasn't worth it. I'll have to tell you sometime how you made me feel, or I'll regret it forever. I have to, but I can't do it now. Not now.

Maybe you didn't like me. Maybe you just thought of me as a friend. I don't know what that looks like. I've never been so infatuated with one of my close guy friends. You make my head explode.

In the halls, I constantly search for a glimpse of you, because it makes my day 10 times better just seeing your face; I never say anything to you though. If I do, you talked to me first, and that doesn't happen often. 

I try to look busy like I don't care, so if you don't care. I won't be the only one caring. It's a self-defense mechanism. I sat at my locker today, looking for you, and when I saw you all the way at the end of the hall, I smiled and quickly turned away.

You didn't see me, and you didn't smile; or at least I didn't see. I know one thing though for sure. You don't hate me. You don't grow annoyed with me or frustrated, and maybe that's why I keep hanging on. You always respond to my texts, and never yell at me or act disinterested. 

Maybe if you didn't care, or hated me. Then my mind wouldn't be such a messed up place.


Love
Me. 

Blogging. Good for the Soul.

I've forgotten how therapeutic blogging was. I can just breathe, sort out my thoughts, and share. Share to a world who is not judgmental and who all feel the same. I can't wait until I actually have time to poop out a real post again. It will feel glorious. 


xo.
Tansy.

"You didn't care at all."

Secret No. 17: I just keep sitting here thinking; if you wanted to talk to me you would. 

But instead he's just a friend.

I can't let go of him. I know that he's bad news. I know that he probably doesn't like me. I know it won't last past May. I know that I can't go 24 hours with out thinking about him.

 It's horrible. I can't stand it, but I can't help the fact that I find the need to talk to him every chance I get.

I sit there and wait for him to get on facebook to chat, and when he gets on I just stare at my computer screen in shock and never say anything. 
xo.
Tansy.

Release.

Hey. So you're probably like, "Who are you again?" It's me, Tansy. Or at least I think it is. Shit's happened. I became something I never thought I would be. I did something that I regret, and that doesn't happen often. 

I thought I could hang around the wrong crowd and not get sucked in, I thought I was strong enough that I could resist temptation. I was wrong. I didn't do anything illegal. I didn't do anything too terribly bad. I went against my morals. 

So I've been hanging around this group of guys who, don't always make the best decisions. I was sucked in by charm. Long story short. They convinced me to sneak out at 2 am. I got caught. 

Was I mad that I was grounded for 2 weeks? No. I was mad that after all my protesting, Wren said, "Do I have to make the decision for you?" I said yes, and he said, "We're coming to get you." 

I'm still pissed that I did it. I'm pissed that I've turned into this person who cusses and my excuse for hanging out with them was "Maybe if I hang out with them, I might be a good influence. God wants me to do this." 

They know I don't like drugs and alcohol, so they didn't do that when I was with them, (well once, but I didn't know they were high at the time). I thought I was changing them, but they were changing me. I was trying so hard to impress them, that I changed. 

Now. I'm just through. I've spent the last month alone. I never go out of my house. No one invites me to things. Just alone, and that sucks, and it makes me want to cry. I don't tell anyone anything. I'm pissed and hurt and scared and alone and no one cares.

No one asks how I am. I act okay at school. I laugh. I smile. I fake. My grades are dropping. I'm sinking into this place that's awful. And it just feels so good to write this. To get everything out of my system.


xo.
i missed you.
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"He used to stay awake to drive the dreams he had away."

Secret 16: You're shit, and it's taken me sometime to realize it, but I do know. I'm glad I didn't grow too attached. 

I've missed you.

It seems like I've been absent for a month! Unbelievable. It's just life got ten times more hectic. Drama started. I'm overwhelmed. I don't want to do school work. I don't want to do anything. I just want rest.


Peace out Girl Scout.

Best Coast

This is the soundtrack to my life. You think I'm kidding you, but I'm not.


Best Coast- Boyfriend
I wish he was my boyfriend
I wish he was my boyfriend
I'd love him to the very end 
But instead he's just a friend
I wish he was my boyfriend

There's nothing worse than sitting all alone at home
And waiting waiting waiting waiting by the phone
I hope that he's at home
Waiting by his phone
I wonder if he knows
That I want him

I wish he was my boyfriend
I wish he was my boyfriend
I'd love him to the very end but instead he's just a friend
I wish he was my boyfriend

The other girl is not like me
She's prettier and skinnier
She has a college degree
I dropped out when I was seventeen
If only I could get her out of the picture
Then he would know how much I want him

One day I'll make him mine
And we'll be together all the time
We'll sit and watch the sun rise
And gaze into eachother's eyes
And know that he knows
I know that he knows
That he wants to be my boyfriend

Boyfriend
Boyfriend
I'd love him to the very end 
But instead he's just a friend
I wish he was my boyfriend
I wish he was my boyfriend
I'd love him to the very end 
But instead he's just a friend
I wish he was my boyfriend

"But Instead He's Just a Friend"

Secret No. 15: Maybe I gave up too soon.

Hang in there, I know we're doing this for a reason.

Dear Morals,

I love you. I really truly do, and I'm sorry I'm putting myself in these situations that you get quite a beating, but always end up kicking ass in the end. I mean how many people can stand by what they believe in getting picked on for two hours? Not many. 

I know that you're probably telling me to stop putting myself in these situations, but the truth is, I think God wants us in those situations. Though you probably hate me for letting those kids laugh at you, I know we're stronger than that. 

Maybe we'll have some sort of impact on their lives, and honestly I really hope we do. They don't have awesome morals like you, except for Sam, I think he respects us. Even if we don't change their lives, I hope they know we tried, and I'm proud of us for not giving in and giving up the fight. 

Love, 
Tansy.

letting go for good.

I don't like him anymore, and I don't care. Okay, so maybe I like him like just an itsy bit, but I'm not going to be following him around like a hopeless puppy anymore. I'm relieved to say the least.

I mean, sure, it's disappointing to know that nothing happened between us, but at least I'm not going to feel my heart break come May. I let go. I let God, and now I could care less if he text me or not. 

Was this what I wanted? No, honestly, and maybe it's for the best. 


Peace Out Girl Scout.

2011. You came too soon.

Everyone around me including most bloggers have been talking about what they want in 2011. Goals, dreams, etc. I don't know. All I do know is.

I want to be happy in 2011.


Peace Out Girl Scout.

Hey Morals. Good Job Back There.

"There's more to life than being straight-edge my dear." - Pot head/alcoholic/underage idiot who thinks he's my friend.

How did I respond. I gave him the, "Are you high right now look?" While I was prepared to go into "I have morals and just because I don't get drunk on the weekends doesn't mean your better than me speech", I refrained. How, because he was right.

There is more to life than being straight-edge. There is love. There is laughter. There is hope.

Sure I didn't tell him this, but I probably should have. Why? Because I was kinda in shock. My morals were being questioned, and that's something I don't come in contact with very much. I mean lately I've been hanging around people that aren't Christians, and this is really the first time my faith and morals have been tested.

And maybe that's a good thing. I don't want to be a spoil sport. I just won't drink or do illegal drugs, and that's that.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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New Year; New Me?

Every year at new years, you hear of people reinventing themselves. Changing who they are for what ever reason. In reality, we never really change who we are. We're always the same person. Scientifically of course. Philosophically? We can become who ever we want to be.

But are these new years resolutions to change how we see ourselves, or how the world sees us? Personally, I think it's much of the latter. I found a new years resolution list from 6th grade. Do you know what one of my resolutions was? Be Popular. Wow. How stereotypical. A middle school girl wishing to be popular.

My resolution for this year? Be myself. Don't conform, don't become something I'm not. Don't act. Don't lie. Be who I am everyday. It's not just that, it's showing myself to the world, and being proud of the wonderful person I have become.

Yeah, so what? I think I'm wonderful. I think everyone should think that they're wonderful. I think that true self gratification comes from accepting yourself as you are, not allowing the world to mold you into something you're not proud of.

I've been told I'm well liked. Apparently, everyone loves me. Why? I don't know. I don't try to please them, I try to please most of all God that's the only one who matters, and second I try to please myself. If I can't live my life with out regrets, then it's not a life worth living.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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"In the Shadow of Your Heart."

Secret No. 14: Luckily, hanging out with you didn't make me fall even harder. Luckily, I didn't even care you were there. Maybe I have let go and let God.

"I say I hate you and I love you the most"

Secret No. 13: How come when I decide I'm better off with out you, you make your way back into the picture? Why is it that you frustrate me so?

"I will rise when He calls my name."

Secret No. 12: I've broke, and I don't need you to fix me. God's got that taken care of.

Don't Call Me Humpty Dumpty Quite Yet

I'm lost. I'm scared. And I'm back in a bubble. I don't know what it is. I don't know what I'm feeling. I just plain out don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I don't know what is right anymore. I just feel fucked up.



Letting go. I've tried it. I've tried letting go of this, but I haven't tried letting go and letting God. This whole quarter has just been filled with stupid. Stupid crushes, stupid feelings, stupid actions, and honestly there is no one to blame but myself.



My life is twisted in knots and it's come to the point where I'm trying to undo it by pulling as hard as I can to get it undone, but all that happens is that I make it tighter. I realized tonight that I can't do it by myself. I can't really do it at all. 

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I will cry at most anything depressing. I'm a passionate person, what can I say. In reality, I'm terrified of tears, because tears to me mean heartbreak and emotional pain. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared of admitting I'm broken. 

I denied it for a long time, but I'm in pieces. And I can't move on. I can't move from this place of frustration, heart ache, stress, just being miserable. I haven't been taking care of myself, I haven't been exercising, I've barely gotten up from my lap top in two weeks. I'm just not healthy inside or out. 

I've just been holding all of this in. I literally can't talk to anyone about this. I have no one to confide in. I'm sitting here realizing, that I care so much about the world and the people in it, that I never care about myself.

"I have been dealing with versions of you my whole life and I'm going to tell you something that I should have told myself a long time ago. Sometimes it's about me, OK? Not all the time but every once in a while it's my time." -Anne Hathaway; Bride Wars

I have a passion for people, and sometimes I forget it's okay to care about myself. I need time to heal. Time to let God undo the mess I've made. Right now, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just confused, and at a point where there is no other choice but to give everything up to Him. That's what I should have done all along.

Peace out Girl Scout

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"Stay on your feet for me."

"I gave a solid attempt at keeping you in the light," he said.


Secret No. 11: I'm giving a solid attempt at keeping you with me.

SPECIAL EDITION!

Guess what. Can't well I'll tell you. THIS IS MY 100TH POST!!!!! I can't believe it, and for my 100th post I want to talk about something special.


INVISIBLE CHILDREN! 


In case you don't know invisible children is this AWESOME nonprofit organization that is trying to end a war in Northern Uganda in which a terrible rebel leader named Joseph Kony takes children in the middle of the night and forces them to kill their parents and fight in the war. 


Right now Invisible Children is trying to raise ONE MILLION DOLLARS to rebuild schools affected by the world. My friend Taylor from camp is desperately trying to raise money for Awere Secondary School in Northern Uganda. 


If you only donate $1 it would help. You can donate here and make sure you put for LaGrange High School!


Thanks so much I LOVE all of you! I love the fact that all of you have read my blog and it makes me SOO happy! 


PEACE OUT GIRL SCOUT!

You Never Know What You Got Till It's Gone.

Driving home today, I had the worst daydream possible. I daydreamed that my two best friends died in a car crash. It was awful. I almost had to put over I was crying so much. They are all that I have, and I would be devastated if I lost them.

As soon as I got home I text both to make sure they were still living, and they were much to my pleasing. Over the summer though one of my friends, Samantha, from elementary school wrecked coming home from her boyfriends house. She hit a tree, broke her neck, and died instantly. 

That same night. I was with my two best friends and their boy friends. My best friend, Lucy, was probably driving around 80 mph. I was freaking out. When we got back to Lucy's house, who happened to live next door to Samantha. We went straight to bed. In the morning, while I was leaving for church Samantha's mom and another neighbor rang the doorbell. 

I left for church and didn't know what words were exchanged until during the church service, I heard the news. My heart stopped. 

I really didn't know what to do at that point. That could have been me and my two friends. It was a wake up call. I wasn't close to Samantha any more, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks.

I guess the whole point of this post was to show how thankful I am for my life, and my friends. Knowing that life could end at any moment is scary, but it's also humbling. I now know I'm not ten feet tall and bullet proof, and I intend to live life to the fullest everyday.


Rest in Peace Sam. #7. I love you. 
Peace Out Girl Scout.
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