Leftovers.

So a while back I became acquainted with a pleasant young fellow. To be frank I was quite smitten with him. We talked and conversed quite regularly. It wasn't until like a month ago, he liked me to, but I ruined it. 

For about a month I've just been head over heels for him, and it just wasn't working, until tonight I didn't realize that what happened happened, and its not going to happen again.

Though it would be nice to have a relationship, I don't have the time. With college apps taking up most of my time, SAT study time, ACT study time, and normal AP study time. I'm bogged down. 

I've learned I need to live for the moment. Live for today, and have no regrets. I enjoyed the time I spent with him, but it ended. I regret nothing. 

Living on the edge doesn't mean taking risks, it means living knowing that tomorrow might not come, and being okay with that. I've learned that I don't need some guy to be happy. I need to just LIVE. 

Besides, come May, we'd have to break it off any way, and I don't want to have to go through that. Meanwhile there are other relationships that I'd like to work on. Like the one with the all mighty God. I've been so busy I've left Him at the wayside and I'm giving Him my left over time. He deserves ALL my time, not just the left overs.


Peace Out Girl Scout.
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Sometimes Nothing is Really Something.

So this post is a sort of continuation of my last post. After all of that I look back on my "crush"(that seems like so seventh grade, but still) on Wren. I used to think that I made it all up in my head, and that he didn't care for me. Yet as I think about all our conversations, we had something. We had something that made me happy.

I don't know if it was just a friendship, or something more, but whatever it was, its gone now. And somehow, I'm okay with it. I've realized that if God wants something between us, He'll put it there.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Brief is Life, but Love is Long.

So, as I was cleaning my room today I discovered a small journal I used to keep from seventh to eighth grade. Well this journal was full of stupid stuff about a crush I had on this ONE guy for that long. I was a stalker. It was scary.

Anyway, this guy was all I used to think about, and as I read this stupid girls version of what she felt for this guy, I realized, 1. I was a creep and 2. I had better things in my life to worry about than guys. As I came to the last page in this journal I read a entry that I had written my Freshman year, It seems forever ago, I don't even remember writing it. This is what it said.

"So yeah its almost been a year since I wrote in this stupid thing..... I've learned somethings since seventh grade (mostly from God). I shouldn't seek love. I should stumble upon it."

I then go on to talk about a previous boyfriend and say "I didn't go into this relationship head over heels, but I didn't come out of it heart over head. The whole thing was a big awkward mess, but those little, but few sweet things that we shared stuck. It was awkward, so I tried to get out of it. I started a fight out of nothing and broke it off, and put it out of sight, out of mind."

Wow, I was a deep person then.

I then go on to finish the entry by saying.

"I really haven't stopped thinking 'did i do the right thing?".......  "Do I let it go knowing I might have missed out on something great?"

There was a big transition from that seventh grade girl obsessing over some guy she thought she knew, to this older, more self aware girl who knows that everything in life isn't about having a boy friend.

I look back at that journal, and my previous blog posts and realize, that seventh grade girl was there during the summer, and that mature ninth grade girl has made her way back into the picture. I understand now that God knows what is best for me, even when I think something else is better. I know now that God's love is all I need.

Just think, the creator of this glorious universe loves ME. Me of all people who sin and could care less about God during the week, but on Sunday act like He is the only one for me. And He is. He's the only one I could ever need, and I forget that sometimes. Not anymore, never again will I forget that.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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I've got a feelin'

So school is really starting to catch up on me. Thats why this blog post is so late even though what I'm about to write about happened last weekend. So I guess it would be Sunday, I hoped on over to the town next to mine to get a book for school. You're probably like, "Well okay Tansy good for you, you actually read", but no, thats not the point of this story. The point of this story is about people.

So immediately as I walk in the book store, a clerk welcomes me by saying, "Hey Angel," but at first I was like oh she's not talking to me, but then she continued to talk to me and I was like "uhhhh I'm doing fine thanks". Then she continued to say " Just let me know if you need any help now" I said " I will thanks".

Sooo.... anywho, I go about my normal shopping getting the book I need for school, a book for Bayla and my mom, and a book for me.

So as I go to check out the same clerk was just so cheerful and pleasant. It really just made my day. I had a shirt on that said "Walk Humbly" and she was like "aw, I love that scripture" and I immediately liked her even more.

Then these two girls walked in who obviously just got there hair done, and she yelled "You're hair looks really good. You're so pretty".

Then she says to me " You know sometimes girls tend to hate other girls because they think they're prettier than them, and sometimes pretty girls don't think they're pretty and need a bit of self confidience, because really all of us are beautiful on the inside. We should tell each other that sometimes."

I was like fully ready to ask her to be my best friend forever at this point.

I mean, she was like a modern day philosopher, but it made me think. No matter if I forget her name, or where she worked, where I met her. I'll know that she made me feel like I was special. That I mattered. That we all mattered in the grand scheme of things. That woman, girl, student, what ever has changed my life.

What if I hadn't gone to the book store that day? What if she wasn't working? My life would have stayed the same, but that chance encounter showed me that there is really and truly an awesome God out there. She really changed my life, I'm serious. Because of that chance meeting, my life is better.

I'll always remember that feeling that I felt when I was around her.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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What if I don't know.

So I've decided I don't like where I'm at right now. You ask "Well where are you Tansy?" My reply? "I have no fucking idea where I am right now" Thats why I don't like it. I don't know where I am. Next year at this time I'm gone. Far away. Do I know where? Nope.

I don't know where I'm going to college. I don't know where I'm going to get the money to pay for it. I don't know if I can leave my mom by herself. I don't know who my friends are. I don't know if I even have any friends. I don't know if I even want to stay in this stupid town.

All I know is right now my life is a big WHAT IF? Those two words are the most hated words I could ever speak. What if I can't afford the college I want? What if I never find out where I'm supposed to be?

Adding to the What if to my life is the DON'T KNOW, but I have decided after the many conflicting voices in my head to let it go. Let go and let GOD. He's the only one who can sees the outcome of my life. So I'll give it to him to do what's right.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Living my Life.

Life. Ah. Life. Something to be welcomed. Something to be thankful for. I'm going to take it day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Second by second.

I'm going to live my life to the fullest. Because Jesus said, "I came so that you may live, and live the best life possible." John 10:10. If thats the way its meant to be. Then thats what its going to be. I'm going to live my life for him and not for anyone else.

Peace out Girl Scout.

Someone Please Burst my Bubble.

Oh my dear bloggy poo poo. How I've missed you so. Its been so long since I've wrote a really heart felt post, and I miss that. I really and truly miss that I haven't been pouring my heart into this. I knew I would do this. Sooner or later. Leave my blog. Slowly stop posting.

Slowly stop going to this place where I get in this bubble and don't come out. Inside that bubble I stay. I don't come out. I keep all my secrets to myself. I don't tell anyone how I'm feeling, and I don't talk to God. I hate that bubble.

That was the bubble I was in before I started this blog. And I will not. EVER go back into that bubble. I won't let myself. I don't want to go back to that horrible horrible place. I can't.

As my tears stream down my face I realize that the only person who did this was me. I let myself shrivel down to nothingness. You say "Tansy didn't anyone notice". Nope, they didn't, because I'm a damn good actress. No one could have possibly known.

I was the picture of happiness to everyone around me. If they did notice, they didn't care enough to help. I realize this now. I may have had fun in that bubble, but now its slowly starting to pop. I don't care either. I'm ready to be rid of it.

I think this is why I'm so obsessed with falling in love, because when I find love. I won't be alone anymore. I can talk to someone about how I feel, and how they make me feel better. Thats why I want love.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Journal Post One

So with some pressure from my blogger friend V I'm starting over my journal challenge except I'm making it a BLOGGING CHALLENGE. So The first day you are supposed to create a page introducing yourself. Well here it goes.

My name is Tansy S. I live in the United States. I live with my mom and little sister, Bayla. God is the most important thing in my life. I need to learn to listen to his calling for me. I'll be a senior in high school this school year. I love my friends. I'm intent on learning more about myself and what God has planned for my life.

The End.

So... There you go. I've introduced myself. What about you?

Peace out Girl Scout.

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I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAck

Back from camp!! It was amazing! I met tons of awesome new people, and learned lots more about God and myself! Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to write any blog posts. So we'll start fresh tomorrow.

My blogger friend V has asked me to restart the Journaling challenge, but this time I'm just going to blog about the challenges. not journal them, because we all know how that turned out.... Well its good to be back!! I love you all!

Peace out Girl Scout

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Journal Fail, but Life A++

So I hate this journal thing. I fail at journaling. I can't do it. Nope. I hate my handwriting/doodling ablitites. So thats something I'm not good at. Which is closer than I was before to "finding myself". Progress, Progress my dance coach would say.

I think failing and passing is a part of life. You win some and you loose some. Its a part of life. Its a rising and a falling of the tides, but each time the tide rises and falls new sea shells and treasures are unhidden. The tides are controlled by the moon. A sort of higher energy.

My passes and fails are controlled by God, but shaped by my own free will. Life is about experiences, ultimately. Looking at life as it comes at you. Taking the good with the bad and learning to get on with life.

I just sort of had an "ah-ha" moment. I love those little thoughts when you realize its not about me. It was never about me. I love this. Seriously. I'm like pure mind bliss.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Open up your eyes

I think it's time for a more serious post, something that I think will help me define myself instead of talking about stupid boys. Well I think I've already ruined it by giving it this introduction. Really. I've butchered it. Well I'll go ahead and start before I start digging my self deeper.

I could never be blind. Never, in a million years would I ever be able to say okay, I don't have to see anymore. All of the things, faces, art, nature I haven't seen yet. All of these experiences I don't think would be complete with out the gift sight. I don't know if I could handle not seeing color any more. Not being able to look up at the clouds and daydream forever.

I admire Hellen Keller. To the deepest ends. She overcame so much, but she still wasn't able to fully experience the world like I have. I wonder if she knew what she was missing, yet with eyes that see, come tears that hurt. The world isn't always a happy place. Though people might like to turn a blind eye to poverty and desperation. It's still there. No matter how hard we try to look away.

Would the world be a different place if we were all blind. There would be no judgement. No discrimination. Would that be a better world, or just a blind world? No art. Not knowing about the problems the rest of the world has? Would that be better?

Believing isn't seeing, but seeing is believing. Once you see something you'll never forget how it made you feel. Ever. A piece of art. A favorite blanket. A favorite color. God gave us sight for a reason, yet he chose not to give it to others for a different reason. He chose to let us see each for separate reasons. Only he knows the full reason. We only get to "see" bits and pieces of why.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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Road Blocked

Now is the time I wish I had someone there for me. Someone who could talk back to me, not a computer. I know I can talk to God, but I think he's telling me to tell someone. I don't know who though. I just feel like bursting into tears, but I can't. I don't have the comfort of my room, or my show just feel so burdened so out of place. My mind is going twenty different directions.

I don't want to do this, but I think my mental health might count on it. Its been my life, my passion. I can't give up. I can't but I don't see another option. And the person I just told probably doesn't care what I do. Probably could care less, probably won't even respond to my text. I feel beaten, I feel abused. I feel like I can't go on. I can't take another step.

pfh.

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Going Dark.

I'm done. I'm finnished. I'm through with people. I know its awful, but its true. I need to completely sever myself from the situation, so... I'm going dark. Yup. No electronics the rest of the summer. Only exceptions are this blog, my email(for my work schedules), and my ipod. Its the only way I be at peace. No facebook, no myspace, no twitter, no cell phone(except when I'm driving I'll take that for my parents, so change of plans)no TEXTing. I think my life be much more at ease with out the interruptions of other peoples lifes. I've already logged out of twitter myspace and facebook, and I have turned off my cellphone. I'm done. Through. I'm now devoting all my time to God.

Peace out Girl Scout.

Breathe.

I shouldn't have to put up with this. I shouldn't have to force myself to be around my "friends". Why are they all jerks?! I would really like to know. Its like you joke about "hating" me, but are you really joking? The way you treat me is intolerable. I can't deal with this any more. It is just adding unnecessary stress to my already stressful life. You really need to chill out and realize the whole world doesn't worship at your feet. You are NOT God. He is the only one I will ever bow to. No matter how many times you make fun of that.

UGH! Sorry You does not refer to you reading this. I'm ranting, psychotically. So my best friends are jerks to me. Like I've known this forever, but it's finally really hit me. I've realized that they aren't my friends, no matter what they tell me. Its giving me an awful stress headache and I'm writing this with my eyes closed. I'm just too flustered to do anything! UAH! I'm trying to do a good thing, but they're road blocking me. Not letting me do what I need to do. This has gone way to far. Its done. I'm about to go all ninja on their butts. But maybe its time for me to let go, and let God. That's always the best option right?

God, Please give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

So I can't change the way they act, but I can change the way I react towards their actions.

I think this blog is more of my personal therapist more than anything else. Writing makes it easier to sort through the mess I call my brain.

Peace out Girl Scout.

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