Hey. So you're probably like, "Who are you again?" It's me, Tansy. Or at least I think it is. Shit's happened. I became something I never thought I would be. I did something that I regret, and that doesn't happen often.
I thought I could hang around the wrong crowd and not get sucked in, I thought I was strong enough that I could resist temptation. I was wrong. I didn't do anything illegal. I didn't do anything too terribly bad. I went against my morals.
So I've been hanging around this group of guys who, don't always make the best decisions. I was sucked in by charm. Long story short. They convinced me to sneak out at 2 am. I got caught.
Was I mad that I was grounded for 2 weeks? No. I was mad that after all my protesting, Wren said, "Do I have to make the decision for you?" I said yes, and he said, "We're coming to get you."
I'm still pissed that I did it. I'm pissed that I've turned into this person who cusses and my excuse for hanging out with them was "Maybe if I hang out with them, I might be a good influence. God wants me to do this."
They know I don't like drugs and alcohol, so they didn't do that when I was with them, (well once, but I didn't know they were high at the time). I thought I was changing them, but they were changing me. I was trying so hard to impress them, that I changed.
Now. I'm just through. I've spent the last month alone. I never go out of my house. No one invites me to things. Just alone, and that sucks, and it makes me want to cry. I don't tell anyone anything. I'm pissed and hurt and scared and alone and no one cares.
No one asks how I am. I act okay at school. I laugh. I smile. I fake. My grades are dropping. I'm sinking into this place that's awful. And it just feels so good to write this. To get everything out of my system.
xo.
i missed you.
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Every year at new years, you hear of people reinventing themselves. Changing who they are for what ever reason. In reality, we never really change who we are. We're always the same person. Scientifically of course. Philosophically? We can become who ever we want to be.
But are these new years resolutions to change how we see ourselves, or how the world sees us? Personally, I think it's much of the latter. I found a new years resolution list from 6th grade. Do you know what one of my resolutions was? Be Popular. Wow. How stereotypical. A middle school girl wishing to be popular.
My resolution for this year? Be myself. Don't conform, don't become something I'm not. Don't act. Don't lie. Be who I am everyday. It's not just that, it's showing myself to the world, and being proud of the wonderful person I have become.
Yeah, so what? I think I'm wonderful. I think everyone should think that they're wonderful. I think that true self gratification comes from accepting yourself as you are, not allowing the world to mold you into something you're not proud of.
I've been told I'm well liked. Apparently, everyone loves me. Why? I don't know. I don't try to please them, I try to please most of all God that's the only one who matters, and second I try to please myself. If I can't live my life with out regrets, then it's not a life worth living.
Peace Out Girl Scout.
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So, most people know at my school, I'm not a bad kid. Its a fact. I literally shy away from "bad" stuff. I'm absolutely clueless when it comes to getting drunk and high. The fact of the matter is, I'm a goody two-shoes, and I'm okay with that.
Its just, if you've ever been in high school, you know about peer pressure. Unless you were like magically gifted and have friends that never do anything bad. Well I'm not so lucky to have that pleasure.
I've had this blog post started for days now, and I just don't understand how to finish it. I guess I just want to explain my decisions. Its not like I hate people who chose to go out and get drunk Saturday night, then regret it all on Sunday. Its just, thats not my choice. It doesn't make you cooler than me, all it does is makes you drunk.
Its just. I don't need to get drunk to have fun. People get drunk, and do things people normally wouldn't do if sober, and "have fun," but obviously I'm not like that. I do things that people wouldn't do normally on an everyday basis, and I have fun. All the time. I don't need a beer or a joint to do something stupid.
If I'm going to make an ass out of my self, I'm going to do it when I'm sober, not when I'm not going to remember it the next day. If I have something to say, I'm going to say it anyway, it doesn't matter what it is.
Maybe people get drunk because they just aren't as okay with themselves as I am. Maybe they use getting drunk as their excuse to act stupid. I have the courage to live my life, as I want to live it.I live life drunk. I get drunk off of life, and I wouldn't have it any other way. That's why I'm straight-edge, and nothing is going to change that. Try all you might peers, but your pressuring me just might make me cut you, cause I'm a sharp, straight-edge.
Peace Out Girl Scout.
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