I don't like leaving. I don't like it. Not one bit. I hate that my friends are going to be scattered across the south, I hate that I never had with him what I wish I did. I hate becoming super close to someone this year, then leaving now. I hate graduation, I hate finding out other people are leaving. I can't stand hearing, "this is the last."
I know I'm in denial. I scream and close my ears when anyone says something about leaving or graduation or college. I can't help it. I've known this place for all my life, I've known these people forever. How can I let them go?
I know that it's pretty ridiculous of me to say, that I have to let them go, because they're going whether I like it or not. I just hope they know how thankful I am to have them in my life. How grateful I truly am to have known them and to laugh, and cry, and sing, and dance, and explore, and create, and experience, with them.
Maybe our stories don't end here, but it sure feels like it. I hope it doesn't, but if it has to I hope that every moment we spent all together will not be forgotten. I know it will be, and that's okay, what I really want all of us to remember is how much fun we had, and how we were each other's strong holds; that we were there for each other.
This is my last blog post. It seems appropriate. I'm leaving high school behind, I want to leave the girl who all she cared about was whether she needed a boyfriend or not behind. I'll still pop in, look at my posts, reflect about who I was and who I was becoming.
I guess you could say I found myself. It wasn't what I expected. I didn't find out what I wanted to be in life, I didn't find my social circle, but I found my potential. I learned I have something inside of me that's great. I learned that life isn't just what I see from my viewfinder. It's that I have to take away that blue plastic toy and learn that there is a whole world out there ready for me to experience.
I want to thank everyone who reads this. Who has supported me with kind words, who's put up with my mindless rants. I truly appreciate you. You've made an impact on my life, and I hope I've impacted yours too.
Much much love,
Tansy.
Dear You;
Why do you fool me so? I'm pretty sure I was head over heals for you since last year. You lead me on, or maybe you didn't. Maybe you truly did like me, but you didn't do anything about it.
Maybe that's what hurts the most. Knowing that you cared for me, but you didn't care enough. Like I wasn't worth it. I'll have to tell you sometime how you made me feel, or I'll regret it forever. I have to, but I can't do it now. Not now.
Maybe you didn't like me. Maybe you just thought of me as a friend. I don't know what that looks like. I've never been so infatuated with one of my close guy friends. You make my head explode.
In the halls, I constantly search for a glimpse of you, because it makes my day 10 times better just seeing your face; I never say anything to you though. If I do, you talked to me first, and that doesn't happen often.
I try to look busy like I don't care, so if you don't care. I won't be the only one caring. It's a self-defense mechanism. I sat at my locker today, looking for you, and when I saw you all the way at the end of the hall, I smiled and quickly turned away.
You didn't see me, and you didn't smile; or at least I didn't see. I know one thing though for sure. You don't hate me. You don't grow annoyed with me or frustrated, and maybe that's why I keep hanging on. You always respond to my texts, and never yell at me or act disinterested.
Maybe if you didn't care, or hated me. Then my mind wouldn't be such a messed up place.
Love
Me.
I've forgotten how therapeutic blogging was. I can just breathe, sort out my thoughts, and share. Share to a world who is not judgmental and who all feel the same. I can't wait until I actually have time to poop out a real post again. It will feel glorious.
xo.
Tansy.
Secret No. 17: I just keep sitting here thinking; if you wanted to talk to me you would.
I can't let go of him. I know that he's bad news. I know that he probably doesn't like me. I know it won't last past May. I know that I can't go 24 hours with out thinking about him.
It's horrible. I can't stand it, but I can't help the fact that I find the need to talk to him every chance I get.
I sit there and wait for him to get on facebook to chat, and when he gets on I just stare at my computer screen in shock and never say anything.
xo.
Tansy.
Hey. So you're probably like, "Who are you again?" It's me, Tansy. Or at least I think it is. Shit's happened. I became something I never thought I would be. I did something that I regret, and that doesn't happen often.
I thought I could hang around the wrong crowd and not get sucked in, I thought I was strong enough that I could resist temptation. I was wrong. I didn't do anything illegal. I didn't do anything too terribly bad. I went against my morals.
So I've been hanging around this group of guys who, don't always make the best decisions. I was sucked in by charm. Long story short. They convinced me to sneak out at 2 am. I got caught.
Was I mad that I was grounded for 2 weeks? No. I was mad that after all my protesting, Wren said, "Do I have to make the decision for you?" I said yes, and he said, "We're coming to get you."
I'm still pissed that I did it. I'm pissed that I've turned into this person who cusses and my excuse for hanging out with them was "Maybe if I hang out with them, I might be a good influence. God wants me to do this."
They know I don't like drugs and alcohol, so they didn't do that when I was with them, (well once, but I didn't know they were high at the time). I thought I was changing them, but they were changing me. I was trying so hard to impress them, that I changed.
Now. I'm just through. I've spent the last month alone. I never go out of my house. No one invites me to things. Just alone, and that sucks, and it makes me want to cry. I don't tell anyone anything. I'm pissed and hurt and scared and alone and no one cares.
No one asks how I am. I act okay at school. I laugh. I smile. I fake. My grades are dropping. I'm sinking into this place that's awful. And it just feels so good to write this. To get everything out of my system.
xo.
i missed you.
pictures
Secret 16: You're shit, and it's taken me sometime to realize it, but I do know. I'm glad I didn't grow too attached.
It seems like I've been absent for a month! Unbelievable. It's just life got ten times more hectic. Drama started. I'm overwhelmed. I don't want to do school work. I don't want to do anything. I just want rest.
Peace out Girl Scout.
This is the soundtrack to my life. You think I'm kidding you, but I'm not.
Best Coast- Boyfriend
I wish he was my boyfriend
I wish he was my boyfriend
I'd love him to the very end
But instead he's just a friend
I wish he was my boyfriend
There's nothing worse than sitting all alone at home
And waiting waiting waiting waiting by the phone
I hope that he's at home
Waiting by his phone
I wonder if he knows
That I want him
I wish he was my boyfriend
I wish he was my boyfriend
I'd love him to the very end but instead he's just a friend
I wish he was my boyfriend
The other girl is not like me
She's prettier and skinnier
She has a college degree
I dropped out when I was seventeen
If only I could get her out of the picture
Then he would know how much I want him
One day I'll make him mine
And we'll be together all the time
We'll sit and watch the sun rise
And gaze into eachother's eyes
And know that he knows
I know that he knows
That he wants to be my boyfriend
Boyfriend
Boyfriend
I'd love him to the very end
But instead he's just a friend
I wish he was my boyfriend
I wish he was my boyfriend
I'd love him to the very end
But instead he's just a friend
I wish he was my boyfriend
Secret No. 15: Maybe I gave up too soon.
Dear Morals,
I love you. I really truly do, and I'm sorry I'm putting myself in these situations that you get quite a beating, but always end up kicking ass in the end. I mean how many people can stand by what they believe in getting picked on for two hours? Not many.
I know that you're probably telling me to stop putting myself in these situations, but the truth is, I think God wants us in those situations. Though you probably hate me for letting those kids laugh at you, I know we're stronger than that.
Maybe we'll have some sort of impact on their lives, and honestly I really hope we do. They don't have awesome morals like you, except for Sam, I think he respects us. Even if we don't change their lives, I hope they know we tried, and I'm proud of us for not giving in and giving up the fight.
Love,
Tansy.
I don't like him anymore, and I don't care. Okay, so maybe I like him like just an itsy bit, but I'm not going to be following him around like a hopeless puppy anymore. I'm relieved to say the least.
I mean, sure, it's disappointing to know that nothing happened between us, but at least I'm not going to feel my heart break come May. I let go. I let God, and now I could care less if he text me or not.
Was this what I wanted? No, honestly, and maybe it's for the best.
Peace Out Girl Scout.
Everyone around me including most bloggers have been talking about what they want in 2011. Goals, dreams, etc. I don't know. All I do know is.
I want to be happy in 2011.
Peace Out Girl Scout.
